A man who doesn't see his children

Regardless the reason he gave me, I wouldn't be able to believe it without speaking and confirming with the mother. That's obviously not going to happen, so I wouldn't continue with the relationship.

Hypothetically, if he showed me he was actively putting money aside, then I might consider it. Probably not.

If a man isn’t an active parent to his minor child, he isn’t worth dating. It’s not even enough to see them occasionally or pay child support.

Unless he is dealing with the location constraints of military service, he needs to be there doing his share of the parenting.

I would walk away because my children’s father has been such a let down. First to me and now to them. My 18 year old gets upset about it sometimes which upsets me and I think how dare someone upset our lovely boy who has done nothing wrong. He walked out when they were 3 and 1 and has missed most of their lives and continues to let them down.

So if someone told me that they didn’t see their child I couldn’t be in a relationship with them. The reason given is a rubbish one if it’s even true. If it’s true then he should still have fought to see the child as the child’s best interests are more important than either adult. He should be paying maintenance regardless and if the mother won’t take it it should be in a savings account ready to help with. Driving lessons/ a car/ uni or whatever when the child turns 18.

Ok, not good. Not having a relationship with the mum does not preclude him from having a relationship with his child.

Supposing a woman gave up a child for adoption would you judge her?

It's amazing how many men duck out of ANY level of parental responsibility by 'respecting the mum's wishes' - which is code for 'I don't want the responsibility, so I've found a way to do nothing for my child and for me to feel justified in doing so'.

Yes it's a red flag, he is the definition of irresponsible and selfish.

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His reason is poor. He should have more sense to know that the benefit of the child is more important in this situation that what the mum wants. I'd expect anyone decent to fight for their rights to see their child because it's most beneficial for the child. I wouldn't choose this sort of person for a relationship no.

I do think he would be wrong. He also made the child, planned or not. Men have to realise that pregnancy is possible every time they have sex - did he leave responsibility for contraception solely to her? Why did they have sex if he doesn’t want a relationship with her - was that clear when they had sex or did he lead her on then dump her when she got pregnant? We cannot know from the info provided.

He should contribute to child’s support. Child support isn’t for the mother. We don’t know if he does or not pay maintenance.

My son's dad would say that the reason he doesn't see his son is because the relationship with me hasn't worked out and he's respecting me by not being involved.

The truth is he abandoned me when I was 20 weeks pregnant and even though I tried really hard to facilitate a relationship between them he has not been part of his life in any meaningful way.

I would never be able to trust a man who wasn't in his child's life regardless of what he said the reason why was. I just think it shows an incredible lack of character and high level of selfishness.

Obviously you run for the hills.

Red flag

Why on earth do you need to ask?

I see the Mum wants nothing to do with him. Fine, her choice. But is it a choice or a decision by the courts that he has no contact?. That would be my first check.

If he does not provide financially or has no trust fund type thing for his child (assuming the Mum of child wants nothing from him) I would run so far away from this.

Any man with a modicum of care for the welfare of his child would at very least, send a card each birthday and a card at Christmas with contact details inside.
There is much much much more to this story.

Yeah. Thats a red flag.

The child is a separate human being with their own set of rights.

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If the child wasn't planned, the mother wanted the baby regardless of his wishes, then says she doesn't want him involved, why would he be so wrong to do just that? Plus has he said he doesn't pay maintenance?

So he’s framing his neglect as a badge of honour! Give me strength!

Is he paying support? He can do that and respect her wishes! A "good" man would pay child support and would then go to court for access to his child.

Now I say run. He should still be paying for his child. At least paying. Not having a relationship with the mum doesn’t mean he can’t have one with the child.

Edited because you answered my question.

Sorry that's a bullshit answer from him. He can have access to his child without having much to do with her at all. He should have gone to the courts to get access. It's not 'respectful' to his ex to never see the child. That's balderdash.

Does he financially support his child - because that means money going into her bank account - so they are linked in that way. She sees her name in his bank account every month. I am really quite disgusted at the way he is framing this as if he's doing the right thing. What a pig.

If I wanted children it would be a massive red flag not to have them with him.

If we were both 55 and said child was an adult, it would be something I’d explore further but not necessarily a dealbreaker. If he’d never been in that child’s life and not supported, it would be.

Wouldn't trust him.