DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

@Andiey In that case, he could meet her in the afternoon or for lunch to hand over Christmas presents and then go home later when she goes to work.

Even if it’s three/four hour drive each way, I think he should do it, otherwise you’re going to be worrying. My DD (20) is at uni a three-hour plane ride away and I’d honestly be booking a weekend to visit her if I was concerned about her.

I agree with you OP. I think it's pretty unusual for a uni student not to go home for Christmas, assuming they have family in the UK. But even accepting she may be quite independent, not seeing you at all for what could be over 4 months is the concerning bit. None of mine came home in term time because they were too busy having fun/working, but we visited once a term and they also came home at some point over the holidays. Could you say, we're coming on X date , we'll see you for dinner even if you can't spend long with us? I would definitely want to see her to make sure there were no mental health concerns.

You sound a lovely caring mum.
Is there a partner on the scene?..is she in a relationship,could that be why ?
I went to uni and never went home again .. literally never went back for more than a couple of hour's visit .. probably twice in the whole 3 years .
But my relationships with my mum and step dad were breaking down..and I had undiagnosed autism..( now diagnosed)
I'd be worried if I was you op ..
I'd be dropping in unexpectedly for a visit and to take her out for a meal.
I'd also ,offer the money she was going to make over Christmas,..as I'd think she must be very short of money to give up Christmas at home voluntarly ,to work .

I work in student services at a university and can confirm due to GDPR, we’d only ever do anything if it’s a serious welfare concern - in which case we’d refer on to that team and they’ll try and contact the student but otherwise we can’t even confirm if someone is a student with us (if there’s no consent)

Could her dad go and see her before Christmas? Keep it brief and low key, say he wants to drop off her Christmas presents or take her Christmas shopping or something? Is there something she particularly wants that could be the object of the trip? Is it somewhere possible to go for a quick day trip?

She may need to distance herself a bit OP, and she's been clear that she doesn't want a visit from you at the moment. I'd leave it until she invites you. Send her a nice Christmas present and leave her to enjoy being independent. It's a special time for her.

I think it would be a good idea if your DH went to visit her for a day/overnight in the run up to Christmas- it doesn’t matter if she’s working, he can meet up with her when she’s finished and they can spend the evening together. Just to have some one-to-one time with her and ensure that she’s really ok.

I'd be worried like you OP. Her situation isn't quite the same as others because she has anorexia - and it may be back. (This would make her reluctant to face-time or to appear where you can see her.) It is a horrible illness and does make you hide from the people who love you.

I hope she is just living a great life and feeling too secure in your family's love to worry about needing to meet up with you. It could also be that.

I can understand why you’re concerned. The first term at uni can be very intense. I don’t really know how these things work - can you check in with the uni?

When I was 19 I would've snapped up the opportunity to work over Christmas for double pay. At that age, I honestly had little interest in Christmas or even that much interest in my family. I also would have preferred a pot noodle and drinks with my friends over a home cooked meal with my family.
I got more interest I'm family, Christmas and good food in my 20s but in my late teens it just didn't matter. I was enjoying being independent and carving out my own life with friends (and lots of partying).

Has her older brother seen her at all since she left for uni?

I would just plan a nice meal with her in her uni town in Jan. Or if she doesn’t like eating in public (due to the previous anorexia) then see if there is something else there that you could do. This may not be an issue at all in which case go for a nice meal. Otherwise nice coffee, art gallery to walk round or whatever.

Dd is very independent. There’s nothing wrong as such with our relationship but I guess she prefers friends and boyfriend to us which I do understand. I do wish we were closer but she just seems to think we’re a bit irrelevant. I probably thought the same about my parents at her age. Dd isn’t coming home for Xmas either. She didn’t last year. She does have a bf abroad so I understand her wanting to see him. And I can understand your dd wanting to earn money. Sort something out for January and make it a nice visit.

She was anorexic as a teenager, though in recovery now. As a teen she sort of straddled the line between being super studious, really engaged with her sports, but also going to a lot of parties, tried weed and cocaine, had sex much younger than what most parents would want for their children.

Are you concerned about her mental health?

It could be just independence as people are saying but with her background I can understand why you are a bit concerned . Have you video chatted with her at all? Does her texts seem upbeat or give info about how she is finding uni? Maybe her brother could arrange a meet up . If she continues to be evasive I would probably journey up to see her anyway.

How did she get to uni on a train?! Usually there’s a car full of stuff..

I’d try to hold off worrying seeing as she’s such an independent woman already. Hopefully she will see you after the new year like she says.

Are you certain she’s actually at university? Do you have any solid proof she’s there? Her reluctance to be dropped off with all her belongings, her refusal to let you visit, and now her decision not to come home for Christmas all seem quite suspicious. It gives the impression that something isn’t quite right. I wouldn’t be surprised if she finds another reason to avoid seeing you in the New year. That kind of distance might make sense for a final yr student deep into exams or placements, but for someone just starting out, it feels unusually detached, and not simply a case of ‘growing up.'

I can understand why you worry, but her behaviour isn’t currently unusual. When did she last have an issue going off the rails?