DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

Going home for Christmas is hardly “running back to mum and dad” at the drop of a hat.

I hate this kind of sneering of those who don’t ditch their parents at the first sign of puberty. It doesn’t make those parents better parents, you know.

Could you get her brother to call her and explain he will be so bored at home without her over Christmas and pleaaase can she come? I did this with my brother as kids for holidays etc. when he wouldn't want to come with us to places as a family

I would also be a bit worried. I am sure she is very capable, and from what you've said has a very independent spirit and is probably absolutely fine!

But I think I would be pushing for a catch up somewhere at some point between now and mid January. I'd say something like you've not seen her, you miss her, you have some things for her for Christmas that you would like to give in person. Maybe the catch up could include her brother as well so it doesn't feel like an intervention.

Good luck!

Congratulations, OP, on bringing up a hardworking, resilient, independent young person - you should genuinely be thrilled that she doesn't just run back to mum and dad at the drop of a hat. She sounds wonderful.

An old school friend did this first year at uni. Said she had too much school work to prep for 2nd semester and she couldn't get off work. Turns out she was hiding a very visible pregnancy. Which was announced to her family by her boyfriend (whom they previously knew nothing of) when he called from the delivery room to tell them they had just become grandparents to a healthy boy.
Not that this is what SD is up to, OP!!

I would try your best to go and see her, you could outright say you will all realy miss her over Christmas and could she spare a day or two between Christmas and NYE? Her Uni friends will mostly have gone home so I imagine she will want to come and see you unless she is avoiding you. This or she could have a new love interest!

Whilst i agree pressure is not going to work or be advisable, I would most certainly be concerned and not take this to mean a sign of healthy independence.

Mine is at uni. Everyone comes back for Christmas in their hall (it closed).

They are still young.

This indicates that either anorexia has reared again or she doesn’t want to come back for some reason

I would advise to NOT visit her unannounced. She's communicated and put boundaries in place. If you disrespect those it will fracture the relationship even further.

The fact that you even consider this is worrying.

You are concerned, but your concern is not tangible. Nothing is happening now to be concerned about. You need to manage your worry by yourself/with your husband/a third party. Do not let this spill onto your step daughter.

Possibly take a step back and reflect. There is a reason she's distancing herself. Have you missed anything?

Maybe that's just how she wants to live. Maybe there is something she feels she cannot tell you about why the relationship is what it is. In that case it would be on you to reflect why she doesn't feel she can't share it. Or did she share it and you didn't hear it.

Id advise to let her be and respect her decisions.

Agree with this, and maybe she has a lot of unhappy memories in her home town (you mentioned the weed, anorexia, edgy behaviour. Maybe bad stuff happened to her, unrelated to you all, and she would rather move on). Being independent might be because of living without her mum, a skill she learned early emotionally speaking. I think support her in her choice of being independent as it's what she needs.

had she lost weight before leaving?

dod you drop her at uni?

Otherwise a close and loving relationship with all whom will be present on Christmas Day? Any half siblings or step?

If you haven’t seen her in person since September it is concerning especially with a history of anorexia. I would sort out a visit before Christmas.

You know her. You're concerned. That's enough.

Social media does not communicate anything and a night out in another town with her brother doesn't show how she's doing either. If you are concerned, and given her history of anorexia and risky behaviour, invent a spurious reason to be in her Uni town overnight and insist on seeing her. That's what I would do even if it was expensive and impractical. The warning bells are ringing.

I'm not sure this is helpful speculation.

OP I was like your DSD when I went to uni- very minimal contact with my parents, got a part time job and didn't go home for Christmas or at all during my first term.

I didn't have a bad upbringing, but my mum in particular was definitely more strict than my friend's parents so the second I was off the leash with some independence of my own I revelled in it. By the time the easter holidays rolled round I was desperate to go home for a hot meal and to get my washing done!

I think she'll come back round, and nothing you've said sounds especially concerning to me.

I have a similarly very independent self-sufficient daugher who is now 21 but has been like this since she left home at 18. Her sisters are completely different. It's difficult to navigate as i don't want to hassle her for contact but 2ant to just know she's ok. I've got more used to it over the years, but i feel your pain/worry.

She sounds independent and not very close to any of you. You can’t force a relationship she doesn’t want. Would she come if you invited her on holiday or to a family event or something? Got tickets to a show somewhere neutral?

@Andiey She’s not making it easy, is she?!

The university’s website will probably have the Undergraduate Academic Calendar posted so you can see when the exams are and when the term officially ends. It might make sense to visit after the end of term as she’ll only be working then.

My DD hasn’t shared her exam schedule for but I can see the last day of exams on the calendar so I have an idea of when she’ll finish.

My son had a lot of mental health issues at university and ended up having to leave and restart at a different uni ..he didn't come home for a bit ..then it all fell apart and he was back living at home permanently..when he went back to uni he lived at home .so he clearly hadn't coped .
Definitely someone needs to clap eyes on her asap xx

I would be concerned. Surely we're still parents even when they're older? My surviving parent certainly still keeps in very close contact with my siblings and I.

I'd be concerned because pushing people away can be a sign of depression. All the friends I've known go through suicidal ideation had a phase of pushing the people closest to them away.

I don't think the Christmas thing is necessarily an issue. Working in a restaurant, especially if she likes her colleagues there, can be quite good fun on Christmas Day and she'll earn a lot of extra money - double time plus generous tips.

I would be a bit concerned about her cagey behaviour in general, though, given that she's had an eating disorder and a history of somewhat risky behaviour in the past. I think it's fairly unusual for a university student not to take up the offer of being taken there by car with all their stuff when they start, and also to have not seen you at all since September is relatively unusual I think. Most students, unless the distance is just crazy, tend to have a weekend visit home here and there or are happy to have their parents come and see their uni and take them out for dinner or whatever. Did her brother say that she seemed well and happy when he saw her?

Due to work and distance, I’ve been home for one Christmas since I was 18 and I’m now 46. I usually worked Christmas and spent New Year with friends. Aim for a weekend visit to where she is and allow her to set times over the weekend when she is free.

She might just not see it from your POV to be honest. If she has been independent and travelling she may just want to do her own thing at 19. However I absolutely see your concerns based on her mental health over the years. I think you've got two options, either message with that's a shame please keep open dialogue with us so we can get a date fixed up soon you know where we are if you need to talk. It Would be lovely to explore your university town. Or just come out with the we are concerned about you as you do not want to share our company or catch up with us.

I think you might let off a bomb with the last option though.

I'm sure you haven't treated her badly,you wouldn't be here asking for advice if you didn't care .
But she's been through a lot ,in her life and she could be hiding a relapse
Or she could be in a relationship she's not ready to tell people about .but untill you see her ..you won't know