DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

YANBU for being a bit sad and missing her, but she sounds very competent and independent. Christmas doesn't have to be the only family/special time. I would let her set the pace, unless there are other issues.

Together with not wanting to be dropped off, it sounds as if she's desperate to carve out her independence. You're best off going with it. She'll be back.

Let her be. My parents were very smothering and it took me ages to rebuild the relationship because I resented their interference. I actually didn't see them for two years between the ages of 22 and 24, because I needed them to give me space. They realised I meant business when I didn't return calls for over a year.

Given her brother has seen her I would maybe let Christmas slide. Where is she living though? Most halls aren't open over Christmas. Mine closed - a few international students moved into the Japanese exchange halls if they needed to stay over Christmas week.

It wasn’t not close if you see what I mean? I think it was more my personality rather than any lack of warmth on my family’s side. I was more independent at an early age, I think being the eldest makes you so, plus I was fairly resilient and had always worked as we were short of money growing up. Times were different then.

we do keep in touch more nowadays, but mainly FaceTime as I live in a different country. I travel a lot for work, the odd time I’m in the UK I do pop in to see some of them, but I tend not to go “home” on the few holidays I have. But then my home is here with my now nuclear family.

Both my DC have been through uni and always come home for the Xmas hols, as do/did all their mates. Not sure what DD will do this year as now working, but plans to come back for a few days.
Id be more worried about her not allowing you to drop her off or visit - seems very arms length. DD is very independent but we went up at least once a lan academic year to visit and same w DS (and they come home too).
I’d be really sad if DCs didn’t want us there or them come back for visits, and I’m not some clingy mum who felt ‘grief’ when they went to uni or even cried at drop off in the first year.
How much do you FaceTime/call or WhatsApp? All this will be relevant.

Yabu, she has her own life. Your going to have to get used to this.

I'm sure you are both caring parents but perhaps this post is symptomatic of the issue. Have you and/or husband overstepped in the past? The fact that she would not share her shift rota because she fears you would turn up announced, along with the fact that you appear to be contemplating doing just that, is concerning. I don't think its unusual for a parent not to know when their adult university student child has their lunchbreak, classes or their work pattern is not unusual. However it is unusual that you think appear to think you should or that the reason she hasn't told you is to stop you turning up. I understand that she had anorexia but is there a history of her privacy being invaded?

I'm saying YABU @Andiey because your DSD has her own life, friends, job near Uni, and social circle. My DC when they were at Uni, knew a few people there who went home 2 or 3 weekends a month, and every minute of every holiday, because they didn't like being away from their parents. They seemed really needy and still quite childish. A young adult 'child' who wants to stay around Uni in the holidays, and maybe travel a bit, and doesn't go home very often is far more independent and mature IMO, and will handle adult life better.

Unsurprisingly, the ones who kept going home, are still living with their parents at nearly 30, and the ones who didn't go home very often - like my DC, left home and had their own place by 22-23, and never returned home. I'm not having a go at people who are still living with parents at 30, and I know it's unavoidable sometimes, but there is definitely a pattern. The more clingy 'I need my mum' ones who went home all the time, never left home. And the ones who returned home fairly infrequently moved into their own place as soon as they could.

When my 2 went to Uni, they were there at the same time, as one had a gap year - there's just over a year between them, and when they both left for Uni at the same time, the feeling of emptiness and sadness was palpable. I missed them so much, that my heart ached. They did come home for a few days in early November though, and for Christmas - 2 weeks, (the first year at Uni,) and I have to say I would have been crushed if they'd not come home at Christmas. (I wouldn't have complained or let them know I was bothered though.)

Then they came at Easter for a few days, then shot back to Uni. For the summer, they came home for 2 weeks, and spent the rest of the 7-8 weeks, travelling, going to festivals, and staying at various friends houses. (Also doing casual work for some extra money.) They did spend every Christmas 'at home' though. They both got their own place by 22-23 and never returned home. They live 20 and 30 minutes drive away, so not too far away!

So all you can do is let your DSD live her life, and just bottle your feelings. Just rant on here about it, many Mumsnetters are good listeners. 😍

YANBU to be a bit sad about it though. And I hope you have a lovely Christmas anyway. You can always facetime your DSD on WhatsApp.

But her brother has seen her recently and says she's well.

It sounds like she's not that fussed about Christmas and is taking the opportunity to earn a bit of extra cash, but it is odd that she's been so adamant about keeping you away from her at Uni. Honestly I wouldn't have let her go on the train, I would have insisted on at least her Dad taking her, although as an adult I get that's pretty hard to force someone into accepting. The idea of letting SD or DD go on their own without a parent to see them get settled in is just really sad and weird to me.

Can you push a bit harder on visiting her at some point between now and Christmas? Maybe instead of asking just say that you are coming to visit and can come on these dates or these dates- which is best for her? Book and AirBnB and don't expect to spend the whole time with her, but I think you need to at least be sure she's OK and see her. Starting Uni is a big adjustment and a big risk factor for EDs.

I work in hospitality and it's really common for the uni students to stay and work over Christmas. It's usually triple time on Christmas day and the tips are fantastic. Our restaurant has a staff meal in the evening and it's really good fun.

The trouble is that if the anorexia has resurfaced then you're not respecting her decisions or boundaries by staying away, you're respecting the decisions of the anorexia.

I think those saying she's independent/don't step over her boundaries have not experienced children and teens with mental illness because I would agree with them probably if I hadn't.

I would be concerned though at some universities if you claim you are estranged from parents you get extra cash. I've heard some children who are not estranged claim it but then have to appear estranged.

It does sound like she is trying to get no/minimal contact between your home life and her university life - getting independent is normal but this seems to be more extreme (most would come home at least for a while at Christmas and most would be glad parents offered to take things down) and I would want to know why and that she's happy and not hiding something. If she is happy I think you have to respect her choice though hopefully won't be long term. Her gap year sounds great.

Out of interest @Melassa what was the relationship like with your family at 19? Close? Loving?

I know a graduation manager and she frequently experiences it. Parents blaming her for incompetence missing their child off list, all she can say is you need to speak to yp I can’t divulge information. Some yp have kept pretending for 3 years. Her worse was parents who had flown in long haul for international dc’s ‘graduation’
Like I said above my dc’s housemate has done this this year.

Well, I would agree with whoever said she is clearly a confident and independent adult.

I never went home at Christmas either, I loved having my own space with my friends and had grown out of family Christmases that were quite frankly dull and full of forced jollity and traditions because it was Christmas. I much preferred working for double pay over this period, the money would tide me over the next 2 terms. It didn’t mean I hated my family or had some terrible vice I was hiding from them.

This was the time before mobile phones, and we were too skint for a landline, so I’d call home when I remembered, which wasn’t that often as I was too busy having fun or working, with a spot of studying thrown in. I guess with all the ease of communication nowadays parents are more anxious if they don’t hear from their offspring every couple of days. In the “olden” days it was a lot more normal not to hear from them frequently.

please do not descend on her with an unannounced visit, this happened to me and was really inconvenient and invasive at the time.

I agree the history of anorexia is the concerning part. My daughter's did resurface at university caused by a tragic event. I would talk to her again and stress that you really miss her and want to see her - even if it is briefly - before Christmas to give her some gifts. I hope you get to see her and put your mind at rest.

I think her reasons for not coming home for Christmas are perfectly valid, but YANBU to be concerned that she's essentially put off seeing you until next year. It would cause me to wonder if there's something going on with her that she's hiding from you, like her eating disorder, problems with uni, poor mental health etc. If all is well then great, she's got some great stuff going on, but in your shoes I'd also be digging a little bit deeper.

The uni Xmas break is usually several weeks long. It would be unusual for a uk home based student not to see parents at all. Going home for Christmas is very normal and not a sign they are running back to mum and dad.

This was my first thought. I know a couple of people who have found out that their child hadn't actually gone or left without telling them.

I’d be concerned with what you have mentioned. Could her dad arrange to go and see her for a couple of hours. If she refuses that you’ll know she doesn’t want you to have eyes on her, no one is too busy to have a cup of coffee with dad (who is probably funding her thousands a year if not on full loan)
Without anorexia background she sounds very independent and working Xmas day is sensible - extra pay and generous tips if she’s waiting on.
My DD’s housemate wasn’t enrolled and kept pretending for a couple of months. I emailed her mum (fellow guarantor) as I had welfare and financial concerns and mum was totally unaware.

With her history of anorexia yes missing Christmas festive season could be a red flag. I would observe her social photos to see if she’s losing weight.