DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

It's very normal at that age for your friends to be more important to you than your family. I would keep lines of communication open, fix a date to visit and hope that she returns to the fold next year.

21, she does come home at Christmas but mainly because she’s at uni in a different country so there is no popping in during the rest of the year. She comes back to see us but also to see her friends, many of whom are also at uni in different countries, so this is the time they get to catch up.

She doesn’t come back “for Christmas” per se, but rather comes home to us, friends from school, nice food and sunshine. It could be at any period between terms. If she decided to stay where she was to work, I’d be disappointed I wouldn’t see her but not concerned.

she has a long holiday in the summer, and she is absent from home to work (we live in a country with a long tourist season but not in a touristy town) or to volunteer and travel. She does pop home for the odd week but most of the time she’s doing her own thing. She and I are close, but she’s secure and independent enough to organise her own thing. Again, I’m not concerned because if something was amiss she would share it with me, as she always has done.

Shes definitely being evasive. I don't think the way to discover why, is to force her to meet up when she doesn't want to

Even if it’s not concerning I would want to visit pre Xmas to show you love and care for her. Often we push people away at that age and to have consistent love and to know someone is always there for you is so important. She must have a free day or even afternoon sometime in December… if she doesn’t suggests she’s being evasive.

Excellent points. I wonder if DSD has had therapy to deal with her grief

Hyper independence is often a trauma response. Is her brother the golden child? Also a bereaved child who now has a replacement mother? That seems to have been passed over, that’s very damaging no matter the kindness and good intent of the new caregiver.

That's the post I was looking for! So DSD hasn't slipped back into anorexia. That's wonderful

There's a reason why she doesn't want to see you or her Dad. Are you both a bit judgy? Not that you're likely to admit that ....so silly question. I just wonder if her lifestyle is such that you wouldn't "approve"

I don't know - I had a relative who worked December in a restaurant and he did work every day December - New Year .... and he earned £1000s - overtime/double pay/triple pay/extra shifts/special parties and drunken big tippers. It got him through Jan and Feb where work was thin on the ground

My own dd worked December in a psychiatric hospital and was loath to commit to anything because if the offered her an extra shift she wanted to take it - she had no MH or HC qualifications but when they were desperate they were offering her £30+ an hour. - so £250-300 for a shift

@Andiey it sounds perfectly in character for your SD, her brother says she is good. January is not too far away. Best to see her then when she has more time :)

I know that but I think OP is right to be concerned.

December may be a busy month but the daughter won't be working every day. I would be saying that myself and her Dad really want to see her even if just for one day to give some Christmas gifts to unwrap on the day, love and support.

Never knew they existed, but you are a decent SM. It is so good to read about your concern.

At least you know for sure that her halls are open over Christmas, my DD’s weren’t.

Was he concerned after seeing her?

ETA I see you’ve answered my question in another post.

Being independent is one thing, but not coming home for Christmas two years in a row is a bit cold. I'd be upset about that. Nothing you can do, though.

I think all you can do is let her know you love her, she’s always welcome home and to let you know if she needs anything.

Mine isn’t either, and I am pleased for her. My mother always guilt tripped me into coming home for years, even when I had flights and small children to organise, and it was a real pain. I have encouraged my DD to do what she wants at Christmas- it’s actually better for everyone to avoid the rush, the traffic, and the exhaustion that goes along with that. She has a bar job and her boyfriend and friends with whom to spend the holiday and then we’ll see her in January when all her coursework has been handed in and she has time for a proper break.

She's working in a restaurant - December will be her really busy month and her chance to get extra shifts and make more money from work/family dinners

The dsd has said meet up in January

I though the dsd was working in a restaurant? - likely the busiest day of the year

I would be a bit concerned and want to do a welfare check.

With her Dad, I would be saying that we really do want to see her before Christmas and that you will be coming up for a visit, maybe after term has ended when it will be quieter.

I would be insisting on it, actually. Not necessarily a long visit but enough time that you can see her accommodation and take her out for a meal and check that she is ok/everything is ok.

I think you should try to get some contact, say a FaceTime call, on Christmas Day. Shops will not be open late into the evening I expect.

My eldest is in the process of buying his own home at 22. It's a combination of a decent salary (he's an engineer), and some savvy saving as well as an ISA we started for him. It helps that he's as tight as two coats of paint when it comes to treating himself (though not towards others), so he doesn't tend to buy many luxuries beyond ice cream and a nice car!

Fair enough then - at least you know she isn't sofa surfing at friends' to avoid coming home!

It's possible that Christmas is not a happy time for her - the whole "family togetherness" expectations may just make her sad that her mother is dead.

I would tread lightly here as you might just push her away - really an ambush visit might cause a permanent breach. You say that her brother has seen her recently on nights out and she's OK-

So if she doesn't enjoy Christmas and has the opportunity to earn £1,000s in wages and tips - I can see why she might choose to stay.

How does anyone buy their own home at 22? That's amazing!

How old are your children?

because mine are 19 and 21 and this would be very very unusual and concerning if they did this. We are close and loving. They love uni but they love Christmas at home!

and all their friends going back too and all local friends coming back from uni.