DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

This and she is living her best life!
No reflection on you at all

I moved away from my own town in late teens I was happy doing my own thing, loved working over the Christmas period I not only got double time but had friends I loved spending time with. I would be furious if my parents turned up unannounced or pressured me into a visit. My life away from home was my personal sanctuary.

None of that meant I didn’t want to be around my family, I loved going home and hanging out with my extended family and friends, but I also loved living a life away from my family, being me and not Toms sister, Cath and Teds daughter and so on.

if she’s recently seen her brother and agreed to seeing you guys in the NY then I’d take that as an opportunity to eye her up to see if she’s healthy, I’d only push if there are signs she’s relapsed.

She sounds very independent, enjoyed her travels and obviously dosnt feel the need to come home as much as others and that’s fine.

So you assume you have to have a car available to go to university?

Isn’t she still a teen?

She had a gap year; she might be 20 by now.

This is so true.
I think this is a generational topic.
The young and fancy free think OP's SD should have her 'freedom' respected.
Parental types understand their responsibilities and the importance of keeping a young, potentially vulnerable woman safe.

She was a bereaved child she won’t be like other students her own age. She will have an independence about her and a resilience.

Isn’t she still a teen?

Exactly. I can't stand my mum because of her smothering me my entire life. She got blocked and is out of my life for good now for almost a year. Please do not surprise her with a visit.

My DS went to uni a 6 hr drive away. The expectation from him was that we would drive down, unload his stuff from the car, make his bed, and buggar off within 30 min of arrival. Using the loo in his room made him uncomfortable and us meeting any of his flatmates made him painfully embarrassed.

We didn’t see him during term time at all but did have a few calls.

I found it really difficult, he didn’t understand the issue.

He was fine, just compartmented his life completely. He did get diagnosed with ADHD & Autism during his time at uni which may explain his behaviour but I would advise trying just keep in contact with DSD but do it on her terms as that way you won’t lose her.

At that age, if you have a job where you have to work one of Christmas or NYE, I think quite a lot would choose to work Christmas and go out with friends NYE. And even, tbh, if you don't have to but get double pay. I do understand why you're a bit worried. I'm a bit surprised she doesn't want to come home between Christmas and NYE unless she's working then too. That is often dead at uni. But If you don't have other reasons to think she's trying to avoid you (rather than just branching out to do things her way) this could easily just be normal teen/early 20s reach for independence and centering of friends over family. It's normally a phase that lasts a while but isn't permanent.

Both my brother and I went to uni by train and didn't come back for the first term (we did come back for a few days over Christmas and NY, but neither of us had work). Nothing to do with not wanting to be home - more a matter of knowing home was always there but wanting to see what we could make of uni without falling back on our support. My brother's son recently went off to Uni in his own car without his dad, he just wanted to focus on his new adventure and not spend his first moments mediating the place with my brother (who he is super close to and who is in no way smothering). Some people like the sense of adventure and the freedom of not being accompanied.

Being honest I think that we as parents put a lot of emphasis on being together at Christmas - my youngest son always has come home for Xmas,even when he was on his gap year in China he flew home to surprise me for Xmas.
A couple of years ago, I became aware that he wasn’t really enjoying coming home the day before Xmas Eve and when we were arranging Christmas I actually said to him, it was his Christmas too and if he was happier to come home on Christmas Eve I completely understood.
I kind of wanted to put it out there that he had options and (sadly) last year he didn’t come home until lunchtime on Christmas Day - it worked well and I can see this being the norm for the next few years.

It's amazing how things seem to have changed since I went to uni in 1993. There were far fewer self-catering flats and a lot more catered halls. (My niblings were all in self-catering flats for their first years.) The halls were used for conferences etc. during the uni holidays, and almost everyone went home. People didn't want to pay weeks of extra rent and so most worked locally to their home towns in the hols. There were some who had bad home lives and they stuck around, but it was much less common for people to stay on campus over Christmas, outside those circs. It wouldn't make financial sense anyway, given that you have to pay rent and bills and buy food. OP's daughter would save a lot more being at home outside termtime and working locally.

I think there has been more openness to conversing with parents after he rates of student suicide have gotten media attention when unis were found not ot have contacted parents when there has been serious mental health decline.

@ColdToesandWarmHeart Given her health history, I can understand why they’re anxious about not seeing her in person, recovering from anorexia is a long journey. But as her brother is meeting up with her, that’s reassuring.

Her priority will be working if she has no money at all for socialising, travel, clothes or study unless she works. She probably doesn’t want to spend money travelling home even. Have a frank conversation about money as £150 a month for food isn’t much.

If I was 19, the opportunity to work for double pay would be too good to turn down. It really could be as simple as that.

It's hard to know. I understand why you are concerned due to her risk factors, but she also sounds independent and hard working.
I would be concerned that she has a partner who is trying to isolate her from her family, or that she has relapsed with her ED. Hopefully her brother can see her and assure you all.
If her dad tells her that he really misses her and wants to see her in the next couple of months, do you think she'd come home? Or he / you both could travel to her?

It’s never unreasonable to be concerned and worried about people with love. Just shows you have a lovely heart. Kids only cause more worry the older they gets I’ve come to realise x

Try and see it as a positive that you’ve raised a strong independent girl with your husband. Keep checking in on her of course to know she always can come to you. Xx

On the face of things my initial thoughts were that she sounds sensible to be wanting to work over Christmas. Also totally normal to want to just socialise with friends at new years. However only you can know if there is a wider context to why you are worried.
Can you make a wee visit to her before Christmas? When you’ve spoken to her recently how has she sounded?

He said that as far as he knows she’s picking up every shift going in the week before and the week around Christmas as she works with lots of people who do want to travel to be with their family or have kids on school holidays and need the childcare

Good for her. Not only is she making good money, she's showing herself to be a reliable employee and considerate co-worker.

No idea if it is concerning sorry, but wanted to share support.
DS1 has thinking he isn't going to come home as he is living his best life away. I am heartbroken.

I will miss him. But that is definitely a me thing and I know he is going to come back at other times, it just feels harder as it is Christmas.

It’s her choice.

she’s going to be paid a lot of money to work, which is invaluable in your first year. Then she is going out with her friends. Why would you not be happy?

@Andiey If your DSS is seeing her, that’s reassuring. He obviously knows her health history and will take notice if she seems unwell physically or mentally.