DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

I worked Christmases in hospitality for years when I was young. It was a lot more fun than going home. This young woman is probably far more interested in earning money to support her independent lifestyle than she is in doing the family Christmas of her childhood.

She suggested they come in January, if they roll up in December uninvited, she is just going to be pissed off and want to see them even less!!

Maybe she has always missed her mum enormously at Christmas and now she has something that is totally different from the family Christmas that stopped when her mum died.

I would absolutely be going to visit her. Take a Xmas hamper. Take her for lunch and make sure you are the house/flat she is living in. Make sure she has everything she needs and is living in a way you are all happy with :) Girls are independent!! But nothing wrong with you being caring and Turing up with gifts and love. It’s a shame isn’t it. We had similar

Me too. I worked in a hotel at weekends/ holidays. The atmosphere at Christmas was fabulous and the tips were huge. I've never liked Christmas lunch. The freedom of being away from things having to be 'just so' was lovely.

Although it might seem hard on the rest of the family, some people don't like Christmas, preferring to work that day, and your DSD might be one of them. I'm one of those people; I'd rather have a peaceful day in work, rather than having to travel a long way to join the hustle and bustle of a big family Christmas, which is a bit overwhelming for my anxiety. Alternatively, she might have an issue with certain family member(s), and not want to spend the day with them.

Perhaps she loves the privacy and independence of living away from home, and is trying to prove (to herself, to any family members, etc.) that she can stand on her own two feet. Also, at 19, your family can still seem embarrassing. Students tend to lose this embarrassment, and become normal again, at around 21/22!

Either way, OP, have a good Christmas, and I hope that you get to spend some time with your DSD soon.

Only double pay for Christmas Day?
I use to get triple pay and working Christmas and Boxing Day use to pay for flights to Thailand for me and my partner later in the year. So worked for us.

Think you’ll have to accept she’s growing up and leading her own life and being independent.

Christmas is so focused on kids now I find the whole thing a bit of a bore.

So how old is your child/children?

She sounds independent. Why are you comparing her to her brother? It's what she wants. No its not concerning.

That’s just nasty. The OP didn’t even frame them as “mistakes”, you did, and certainly wasn’t dragging anything up

I missed a couple of family Christmases in my teens and 20’s I really missed family way more than expected and didn’t miss them unless it’s avoidable after that. I’d go visit in the new year.

I’ve read your follow-ups. She’s a young woman who has travelled extensively and is now working and going to school.

Yet, you’re dragging her further past mistakes to wrap it up into some reason to be concerned. I can see why should distance herself from you.

Respect what she’s said and leave her be - and no, uni will not tell you anything as she is an adult. They will tell her though when you ring up and start asking questions.

Make plans for the new year with her and start respecting her boundaries.

He's done well to get on the housing ladder at 22 @MrsSkylerWhite so I don't blame him!

Sounds a lot like my brother-in-law, who never wanted much to do with his family after he left home, and my former DH always wondered why. Did you stay away because you didn't get on with your parents? Do you ever wish you'd spent more time with them while they were alive, and did you grieve for them when they'd gone? Maybe you just didn't like them that much? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just curious, as I was very close to my late parents. Would you have been OK with your daughter rarely coming home after 18, not even for Christmas?

I find it quite fascinating how many people on this thread say that they left home at 18 and rarely went home again, not even for Christmas. It's understandable in cases of dysfunction or abuse of course, but posters who became very low-contact haven't said that that was the case.

I went away to university, and I moved to London for a few years in my twenties, and then decided to emigrate to America age 29. That was almost twenty years ago and I'm still there. (Or here, I should say, since I'm in America right now, not on a visit home.) However, even in all that, I went home a lot - or, later, had my parents to stay in the States - and I looked after them during their terminal cancer journeys. I am so glad I have a store of memories of them to last me the rest of my life. And they weren't perfect parents either, and it wasn't the perfect home. But I just cannot understand the mindset of leaving your family in the dust where there's no abuse or dysfunction.

It must be utterly heartbreaking for parents who have done nothing wrong.

I stayed at uni for Christmas for the exact same reason, by the time you include travel time you can lose a lot of working days and because other people head home there's often extra shifts. There was always a few of us who were staying around so we'd stay in one house and have a Christmas lunch, drink and watch Christmas movies. Some of my best Christmases.

Tbh I always find it a bit weird when people who are off in the adventure part of their life try super hard to be back for Christmas, there's loads of Christmases where being back with your family will be important, but your 19th isn't one of them, nice time to try something different

I think it’s bound to be a question of finance for her.
She probably can’t afford the return journey home if it’s six hours each way.
It sounds to me that she couldn’t wait to start work and has been working and trying to self-finance ever since she was 16.

You help her with top up for accommodation costs and give 150 a month for food. She obviously has to work to pay for her uni course fees and the rest of her living expenses. Has your DH ever had a conversation with her about how she was expected to keep herself at university?

No wonder she is chasing every shift they can give her at work. Double time shifts must sound very attractive to her.

YANBU to be concerned about her OP and even though she is super independent, uncomplaining and hard working, I would very much want to reassure myself that she wasn’t actually in debt or struggling to keep up with course work if she is having to work so much to stay on top.

She does need rest at some point if she is to stay healthy. I do see her at a bit of a risk and I think it’s her father’s responsibility to follow up to be certain that she is thriving.

She sounds very mature and independent. I admire her for that. A nice change to hear a story like this instead of the usual ones about useless adult children who don't work, won't help around the house, won't leave home or are just selfish.
You have given her wings. Let her fly.

I think the same

I know times have changed, mostly driven by mobiles making contact much easier and thus expected. I was at uni prior to mobiles. Once out of halls, there was no landline in the student flats, students had to queue at public phone booths to ring home! I was close to my mum and loved her, but never felt the need to keep in close contact. No one apart from students living at home seemed to have much to do with their parents.

i went home in the holidays in first year, but after that, I rarely went home. My uni city felt like home, I loved it. My friends were my support network. I never returned to live in home area. I was very independent , as were my friends. In adult life I would visit for the odd weekend, a couple of times a year. I never spent Christmas with family after 1st year at uni.

A different perspective, my parents and sibling are deceased now and the friends I lived with in my final year at uni are still my closest friends. They have been the family I chose and made. I added a husband to our happy crew along the way. Sadly my husband is now dying and those same uni friends are supporting me and our child through it.

There are many ways to live a life and although it must be hard to yearn for more contact, celebrate that your SD is thriving and enjoying her life at uni. It is after all , her life.

I’m a parent and I think they should respect her wishes. Nothing generational about it. We all have different opinions. She lost her mum as a toddler, Christmas might be a painful time so she may as well work. Her brother is keeping an eye on her so they don’t need to do anything drastic just yet.

DSD is adventurous and independent.
You will miss her, and tell her that.
Make sure DSD 's gift is posted in time to reach her for Christmas.
Don't forget to choose an agreed date soon after New Year and have a wonderful celebratory meal and visit with her and as many others of the family as you can gather.

Your DSD will appreciate the family Christmas when she is older, don't take it to heart.

Absolutely this ^
not coming home for Christmas is a red herring

She’s enjoying being an adult and earning.
I did the same

Push it like this and you might end up estranged. Accept what is.