DSD isn’t coming home for Christmas

So basically you don't trust her brother's assessment?
I have no idea whether to trust her brother's assessment, and nor do you. Perhaps their mother has no idea either. That's why she should follow it up and find out for herself.

You’ve had loads of comments so not sure if you will see this but I’m a mental health professional at a university.

Please contact the uni, normally via wellbeing services or a serious concern form (info will be on the website). Explain the history and your current concerns. They might not tell you the outcome but they have a duty of care to act on your concerns. If there is any historic risk/self harm pass that on.

Message me if you have any questions.

Ps: For what it’s worth you sound like a wonderful, caring person. Trust your gut xx

I would suggest her dad went to visit her.

So it's possible that she doesn't feel quite as warm and fuzzy towards her family as OP assumes.

Quite clearly this is an epic understatement

I would be interested in hearing DSD’s account of her childhood in the fmsily

because given her mental health illness, her unhappiness at school, her drug taking, her moving 6 hours away, to not wanting her only parent to even accompany her to uni and now dodging Christmas at home - all points to a very bleak view of what the family home life represents

So basically you don't trust her brother's assessment?

A pp also made a good point that there may be some underlying animosity about financial inequality in the family as she is the only sibling at University who has to work because the 2 step-siblings get money from their dad as well as from OP and her DH - whereas her mum died. So it's possible that she doesn't feel quite as warm and fuzzy towards her family as OP assumes.

Like I said in my previous post, you don’t appear to have experience of young people in trouble.
This young person MAY be in trouble and in OP’s place, I would want to check this is not the case. I would see that as part of my parental responsibility at any age.
What makes it challenging is that the young person is. It open to this and we don’t know why.
It is a tricky situation, hence OP’s post.
Many people have said to leave her alone but it’s no skin off their nose if it turns out that she IS in trouble.

Purely from a practical perspective it’s really difficult to get a job whilst at uni in many places, lots of employers want employees not just during term time. If working in retail or hospitality then being available over peak trade is a bit of a pre requisite at the moment. DD works in a restaurant where they all have to work either the Christmas period or the NY period but not both. There are an increasing number of students staying during holiday periods to work. If she wants a social life and has £150 per month to live on she needs to work so it’s a bit of a catch 22.

This is worth thinking about.

Actually re-reading that, DSD has to work because her mum died and she doesn’t get extra money from her. So DSD is the only child who has to work and your other children don’t! That’s absolutely brutal, why can’t you give DSD more and your own children less so altogether each child has the same?

I’d feel very resentful if I was the only child in the family who had to work to put themselves through uni.

I didn’t say you should give her more, just that you should have a frank discussion about money and how she’s coping. She may know you don’t have any more money to give and might not want to worry you with how much she’s struggling. Speak to her if you’re worried, even if you can’t do anything to help her.

I think it's concerning but I think other than monitoring the situation and trying to get more of a sense of what's going on for her there's a limit to what you can do without pushing her away. I work in mental health with a lot of uni students and it's unusual to not go home for Xmas, I'd be worried that given her history she is relapsing. You sound lovely and supportive.

I don't think that is true at all.

I'm not "young and fancy free" - I've been married for 32 years and have had 2 university aged kids - including vulnerable ones. But unless you have some more worrying signals than "she's independent, wants to work Christmas and prefers to have a family get together in January" then it's just catastrophising. OP does not say her issues were very recent - she managed a gap year of international travel and apparently coped fine. Her brother saw her recently and didn't see any problems. Trying to re-wrap her in cotton-wool is more likely to lead to a permanent breach.

The trouble with families is that you're always the person you were within the family unit.

@MilleniumOyster You make a very good point. It’s easy to forget how an eating disorder or another serious illness affects the whole family, it can be very difficult for parents to forget how ill their child was and stop worrying that it might happen again. Her DSD may be completely fine, enjoying her independence, and wanting to forget about the past. But her parents will still worry more than if she hadn’t gone through this.

I know someone like this IRL. Her DD (24) had also recovered from anorexia, but her Mum is still very anxious about her, her attitude is noticeably different to the rest of our friends (we all have young adult children).

We usually have curry too but this year our local shop has closed so it's Cook shop dinner, I think. Enjoy your curry

I'm nearly 60, maybe that's pretty young to you, or maybe people of all ages have different opinions.

Anyway the OP has decided to leave visiting to the new year, as requested, and her stepson is seeing step daughter before Christmas, so all well.

Personally I don't understand why anyone could think visiting when not invited, and specifically asked not to, would be a good idea. It would only alienate the step daughter.

She obviously found her independence whilst travelling the world and wants to keep it.

The trouble with families is that you're always the person you were within the family unit. After such a turbulent period in the past, it's no wonder she wants to move away from that idea of her and forge her own path.

Many posters are advising to leave her alone but I’m willing to bet that precious few of them have direct experience of a situation like this, including the red flags OP mentioned.
yes, xyz may have not gone home at Xmas etcetera and been fine.
Sadly , not all young people are fine. We all, including adults, need a responsible people to keep an eye on us.
I Imagine the pple advising OP not to annoy her are pretty young themselves.

It’s good step son had eyes on her but is he clued up. A relative was anorexic at uni and clothed she was ok ish, she knew all the tricks to mask it, if you knew to look her wrists etc were shockingly thin. Her mum saw pics she was posting online and they were horrific.

I'd be concerned too. Sound's like she is intentionally distancing herself which, given her history is alarming.

In that case, and given what you've said about her always having been quite secretive/private by nature, I think she's probably OK. Sounds like your stepson is on the ball and would be able to talk to you if he was concerned.

She sounds extremely independent and that's a good thing really, provided she knows she can come to you if she needs you.

It was shocking to all of us because she was a quiet, nerdy student who was 3rd overall in her class at graduation and did EVERYTHING perfectly and by the book. And it wasnt a controlling BF situation because once her family knew, she was deliriously happy and thrilled to have the baby and said that the BF always wanted to tell her family and it was her decision to keep the secret. Her family supported her/them through the rest fo her college years ad as far as I recall they married and had their careers (Its been 30 years since we graduated). So all well in the end.

As an adult child I always found these big family christmas visits a drag and did anything I could to avoid them. If fact I hated christmas so much I deliberately went to non christian countries like Egypt, Morocco etc. I did try explaining my feelings to my parents but they took it personally as you have obviously done.

I agree with the posters upthread who point out that your daughter has travelled extensively and is obviously an independent and relf reliant young woman. This is something to rejoice in because it means that as a parent you have done your job well. Your daughter has launched as a fully fledged adult. It doesnt mean that she no longer loves or needs you. Simply that she has begun to make a life for herself.

One of the things I found as a mature student is that the undergraduates of normal age (18-20) did not really want to socialise much with an older person. It would be like socialising with their parents! Your daughter will obviously want to spend time with people of her own generation so be careful not to come across as needy.

We have 6 kids, 4 have autism. One is in supported housing due to her needs . It’s crazy how your worries are our dreams ( nit drugs obv) ours are unlikely to achieve any of that … one can’t even leave the house without visuals. As parents we can be there (24/7) offer advise and be there for the fallout
I think the key here is to be available for anything that goes wrong .

She sounds very independent and private which is completely normal for her. It’s perfectly sensible when you work in a restaurant to take as much cash as you can before it slumps in January and February when you are young person with not much money who wants a good new years and good summer. Her brother has seen her in the flesh and will see her again soon and thinks she is fine. It’s a 6 hour journey home - of course she hasn’t been.
One of mine is very independent and private to the point of rudeness - as a pp said “monumentally self centred” at times. He thinks he is a very considerate person as he doesn’t put upon people but it’s honestly just frustrating at times. The secrecy/privacy thing is an overthinking and inward facing trait I think.
I would try to nail her down to a date in January when you can visit, she won’t be working so much and there maybe a natural gap in study in between semester 1 and 2. I suspect this will be your relationship for a few years - you guys worrying and her prioritising almost everything else - work/money/travelling/fun/study over you. I wouldn’t be above telling her she is rude to ignore your calls and you expect to speak to her at least once a fortnight to touch base.

2+ months in, no visits home, no visits to her, barely any video calls, not answering phone calls?

Even if this is her usual MO I would have grave concerns for her op. I'm sorry, but I absolutely think you should be making a surprise visit. My DD is just a regular first year at 19 and I'd have made the 12 hour round trip before now.