I really resent my parents for labelling us as children

I tried my best with my children, as your parents did with you and your sisters, OP.

Its interesting how the things I chose to do weren't always right. I made mistakes which I didn't realise at the time WERE mistakes

My children and I often speak about it and I always apologise. They're aware that no matter how hard you try as a parent, you always end up fucking things up in one/some areas of your parenting

I think as parents it's important to acknowledge your mistakes (however well intentioned) and talk things through with your children to try to help them understand your parental choices and for you, as a parent, to understand the damage you've done .....meaningful and heartfelt apologies can help imo

Therapy is an excellent idea

I sometimes feel I'm guilty of doing the same with my kids - even though what I'm actually trying to do is 'see' and recognise all the things that are special and unique about them. Of my three children, my eldest has SEND and finds school a lot harder, and the middle is prone to feeling overlooked because of all the focus on DD1 because of this. I probably go OTT commenting on and celebrating the things DD1 is good at (because she finds so much else a struggle) and my DD2 will say 'what about me, my drawing is nice too.' Or when I'm worried she's feeling overlooked, I'll comment on all the ways in which my DD2 is talented and special and unique and my DD1 will get upset.
I guess the best thing is to let them develop their interests without making a big song and dance about those interests defining them or connecting your love for them to them being 'the sporty one' or 'the arty one' but as an exhausted working parent with three kids, do we always manage to get this tone or nuance absolutely perfect? No we absolutely don't. Do we love our kids and are we doing our absolute best for them? A hundred per cent yes.
I say this kindly as I didn't have the easiest parents either, but I do think if you don't have your own children yet, you might be inclined to give your parents more of a break after/ if you choose to have your own and realise how f*ing hard parenting is and how easy it is to do the 'wrong' thing.

Ah yes the boxing of otherwise similar siblings. I was the smart one and my sister yhe pretty one which for kids sounds like you're ugly and you're dumb. Both very insecure about those things even as adults.

Did they encourage interests that you had or try to push you to ones they thought that you should have?

Were the 2ndry schools suitable for you at the time?

Did any of you want to change but wasn't allowed to?

Have you ever spoken to your siblings about it?

Why do you also resent them?

Therapy would be a good idea.

The thing is, it sounds to me as if your parents were actually trying to create a childhood in which you were all able to shine as individuals. Maybe they got that wrong. But as others have said - there's no instruction manual, and I don't think they could necessarily have predicted that you'd feel the way you do, either when you were a child or now that you're an adult.

I would also add that many, many siblings are not especially close. There's no guarantee whatsoever that you'd be best of pals with your sisters if you'd all gone to the same school or done the same hobbies.

That's not to say that your feelings aren't valid. Everyone's affected in some way by the way they were brought up and it sounds like you were too. That's why I think you could benefit from therapy. But I do think it's quite unhealthy to resent your parents for what, on the face of it, sounds like good intentions that didn't work out as planned.

Wrong thread @Embankments .

OP - yes, what they did was wrong. Their intentions were likely good, but their execution was poor. But I have to say, I empathise. I have twins. It is a constant "Don't call them the twins!" "Don't compare them!" "Focus on each one as an individual!" and so on, and it is bastarding hard work. They were probably patting themselves on the back for discerning that one child was more academic, the other more sporty and so on. They got it wrong in their approach, but they tried.

I wouldn't be skipping Christmas over this. I would be getting therapy.

I think you need to remember that your parents, like most of us, were just trying to do their best.

Many years ago, long before I had children of my own, I taught the child of a prominent pediatrician. He had three children at three different schools. At the time, I thought this seemed crazy. Three sets of expectations, three sets of notes and newsletters, three different uniforms, Three different days for school meetings etc.

Once I had children of my own and had a bit more life experience, I realised that he and his wife were probably just trying to do the right thing for each of their children. He was a very high earner, she was a stay at home parent and probably had more time to sort out all those different school requirements.

I had four children, we picked the best school we could for our then four year old, and because of practicality, all three of his brothers went there too. There were times that I did wonder if it was the right school for one or the other of them, but with both of us working full time, we could not have managed the practicalities of having them at more than one school. We just had to hope that they would make the most of the opportunities given to them in that school.

It would be interesting to chat to your parents, because I'm betting that from their point of view, they were probably trying to help each of you excel in what they thought each of you were best at. Unfortunately, in your case it left you feeling isolated and pigeonholed.

Families and dynamics are tricky though, There's no guide book and nothing to ensure closeness in siblings. You could have all gone to the same school and yet ended up clashing with each other anyway.

She's doing the sensible thing instead of adhering to a silly pointless queue.

I've got a friend with non identical girl twins and she did exactly what your parents did ... with awful consequences. She thought one was socially gifted and pretty and popular and the other was introverted and brainy. It was all in her head. Quite mad.
I think therapy would be a very good idea. It must have been crazy-making to be labelled like that.

My brother was the mathematic science one and I was the artsy one. My mum was very clear to us on the (fully debunked and blatantly obviously not true anyway) idea that you were either one or the other. I didn’t think about trying in maths because I knew it wasn’t for me. I just couldn’t do it.

I actually am quite good, have a very logical and problem solving mind and while yes, artistic, science is one of my favourite points of study.

With my own children I don’t box them in as “this is the X one and the other is the Y one” for this reason. While they do have their strengths and differences, one of them being good at maths and overly openly kind doesn’t mean the other is not also these things. Open ended compliments is the way. You are such a kind boy. And my other boy will hear the same. There is no easy one, no “naughty” one. While they sometimes make these jokes themselves I do knock it back. They both are easy and difficult in their own ways.

Read running on empty. If I'm remembering correctly there's a whole section on what pigeon holing kids does to them and their sibling dynamic.
If not, I'll have to have a good think about which book it was but I think it was that one.

Your perception of your childhood may be very different to how your sisters see it and how your parents see it. I organised piano lessons for my children when they were young. One drifted away from it after a couple of years. The other now plays three instruments and still loves music. We encourage him with his music because that is what he is into. My daughter would think I was daft not to recognise that he is much more musical than she is. Children don’t have time to do everything so parents tend to encourage them in their areas of interest. The pretty/clever thing is really not good though.

Or did they respond to the dc individual interests? None of us can tell from here.

It sounds like your parents really tried to support your individual needs. They weren’t neglectful. I worry my dc will describe similar. One is a dancer, one into science and nature, one an army cadet. They also have different personalities that respond differently so I parent each differently. I hope they don’t see it as favouritism. One of my twins is often referred to by her sister as “the pretty one” - they are identical!

I think you need to move on and realise there’s no guide book to parenting.

Unless your parents have been deliberately cruel I think it is sad not to go because my parents are no longer here and I would give anything to have them back.

To those posters telling the OP that her parents 'did their best'. They did not.

They didn't do what was best for each child as an individual. They did their best to attempt to mould the children into fitting the images of who they wanted their children to be. Which is not the same thing at all.

You’re all adults now and I’d go for Christmas. I’d try not to resent your sisters for how things worked out and work on improving your current relationships. Tell your parents to stop if they begin to do the same with your own children.

You spend nearly twenty years raising kids and you’re still influencing /supporting/semi raising them after that. I’ve tried really hard with mine to love and support them, but yes, over two decades I’ve got it wrong sometimes. But I love them and I did my best. Maybe your parents are the same?

I’ve not got any sisters but I can imagine they’d feel similar. Maybe it will bring you together, getting this stuff out in the open?

It sounds like your parents really tried hard to do all the right things but got some things wrong. I’d give them some grace for that.

I think you have to ask yourself what you gain by holding onto the resentment.

It's possible to be aware that this was a mistake that caused problems but to choose to have a lovely family Christmas. It's possible to recognise they shouldn't have done this and also recognise all the things they did do for you, out of love and good intentions.

You could ask your sisters to come for a drink or a walk with you over Christmas, or stay up one night after parents have gone to bed, and approach the subject of labelling, that you have recently felt it was tricky and wonder how they felt.

My DSis and I had some real heart-to-hearts about our childhood in adulthood. It helped strengthen the bond between us.

My parents were tricky. My father was a very selfish bully and my mother pandered to him. We were materially neglected. I remember being bought a skirt once in my entire teens. I worked from age 12 after school to pay for basics like shoes and coats. I had excruciatingly low self-esteem and depression for decades. I felt deeply resentful when I started to look at my family. But lately I've calmed down and also remembered the good stuff - and there was a lot of that too.

I think if this is all you've got to worry about, you’re petty lucky. Lots of people don’t have close sibling relationships, lots of people don’t get on great with their parents. I expect they did their best. Look forward not back OP. What are you going to gain from going over minor stuff that makes you miserable, move on and find contentment where ever you can.

You sound like you were very loved and that counts for more. I'm sorry dome things were damaging but don't turn your back on your family. You will be getting more from than you realise.

This.

Get therapy. You’re an adult now and you can’t change your childhood but you can learn to accept it, to acknowledge that your parents were not perfect but almost certainly did what they thought was the best thing for all of you, and reframe your thinking about yourself in light of the above. I’ve found it life-enhancing really.