I really resent my parents for labelling us as children

Some people are being quite hard on you OP. But my personal response is to say thank you, as this has given me a lot to think about. I am a mum to a 7 year old and non-identical twins who are two and a half years younger.

It is a fine line to tread, treating them like individuals whilst also not pigeonholing them. As a parent yourself (you don’t say how old your DS is), perhaps you’ve had the experience when your son was a baby / toddler of this weird process by which we are are half responding to and half creating our child’s preferences. Perhaps your less than one year old has cooed a couple of times at pictures of tractors with no such reaction to dinosaurs. So you start favouring clothes with tractors, and tractor picture books. Before you know it, he’s 6 and into LEGO vehicles and saying he’s going to be an engineer. He’s still into that when he’s 8/9/10 so by the time you’re looking at secondaries you have it in the forefront of your mind which ones offer the best science and maths provision, etc. etc.
When you have twins, let alone three, this phenomenon is even more exaggerated. It’s a lot looking after three kids close together and at times it feels like you are just bombarded by one great wave of ‘child’. But then you feel so bad about feeling that way - of course they’re individuals, you have been able to tell your twins apart since they were born, long before anyone else could! So you’re more invested than anyone in finding and fostering the interests and talents that make them different. And perhaps you do so even more if you have the money to make that happen (as it sounds like your parents did).

This is very rambling, apologies - I think what I wanted to say was thank you, it sounds like your parents should have focused on fostering the relationships between you and on making you feel equally valued, and I will take that lesson to heart. But I hope my perspective might help you a bit too.

I hope therapy helps you make peace with and sense of it all.

It doesn't sound great as I believe parents should enable children to be who they want / feel themselves to be. On the other hand, it's hardly abusive. Presumably your sisters had the talents / interests themselves. Your sister getting better exam results doesn't negate your achievements.

I think it can be healthy to attend separate secondary schools. My siblings and I did, though it was more down to circumstances (an11 plus system was changed to comprehensive). My children did too - one attended a school that opened after their sibling had started secondary.

Bring close or otherwise as adults is based on all kinds of things - different personalities, life stages, circumstances. I'm closer to one sibling than another but it's more that we are close in age and have mostly lived close to each other as adults. I actually have more in common with my other sibling.

Siblings also experience the same family differently. My preference as a child was for my mother - my father worked long hours and rarely engaged much in our family life. I was surprised to realise as a teen that my siblings favoured my father.

Talk to your siblings!

I just think some parents are odd. There's no such thing as a perfect parent, just some that make fewer mistakes than others.
Go to the Xmas gathering, make good with your sisters - tbh, you all have your parents in common, am surprised you didn't stick together more and instead it became resentment to each other. Am pleased that you all went your 'own way' anyway, despite your parents labelling.

My own dad pigeonholed me to be a secretary, married and pregnant by the time I was early 20's as I was the only girl.. That was all he wanted (nothing wrong with that, just not for me). He spoke down to me often, took the mick because I struggled with the maths and science subjects. You can imagine his disappointment when I went to art college instead and came home with a mowhawk when I was 17. Then off to uni at 23 to study photography, film and TV!

Crikey, I must be totally out the loop on this one then because I think it all sounds bloody weird.

But you did. Otherwise your sister wouldn't have been able to perform academically.

Presumably in order to be a good netball player your elder sister wasn't prevented from participating in sport.

Perhaps what they expected from each of you was off but it sounds like they still gave you many opportunities.

Did you want to do the morning sports or go to the same school as your sister?

I'm not saying they were completely right but I can see where they were coming from.

You also have to decide things at set ages for school. At 11 you probably were more academic than your sister but we don't all develop at the same pace.

Maybe they took it too far OP but it does sound like they were trying to work with your interests and personalities. Much too much though with the labelling which seemed to imply that the other two couldn't possibly be pretty, or sporty, or musical etc. My parents didn't do this but I still have absolutely nothing in common with my sibling.

That sounds incredibly hard. Being boxed into roles like that really does stay with you into adulthood. It makes total sense that you’d still feel the impact now. Therapy could be really helpful, and reconnecting with your sisters at your own pace sounds healthy.

Ah this sounds a bit like my childhood - I'm the youngest of three girls.
The eldest daughter was 'the sporty one', middle daughter was the 'pretty/musical one' and I was 'the bookworm'.

We weren't sent to different schools, but like the OP we were treated differently. Eldest with judo and horse riding. Middle had clarinet lessons and loads of extra pocket money for clothes and make up. I got tuition and practice papers after school to help me pass the 11-Plus to get into the local Grammar. (ha ha - it didn't work)

I wonder if parents (this was in the 1960s/70s) who have three daughters felt that labelling each one differently made them seem more unique and special?
I know dad and his family were hugely disappointed I wasn't a boy after 2 girls, and they frequently told me. There was a huge burden on me to try and make him proud, but I was a girl, so I was never good enough.

Sorry for the childhood 'hangover' OP. I hope it helps to talk about it x

but however I see you 3 sisters, having an yearly meet up deep in the countryside, then in your semi and then your sister glamourous London pad. Could turn into a great healing one day

Why do you dwell on any of this. It's perfectly normal to "label" your children. The quiet one, the loud one ,etc. That doesn't mean thata who you are or will be. It's a snapshot in time. I honestly have no idea why this bothers you

My Mum always says that she and her sisters had this labelling - “the nice one, the pretty one and the clever one”.

It’s so short sighted as it assumes that people can’t grow and develop as they get older, and also is ridiculously simplistic.

Funnily enough, it’s the clever one who most resents and resented that in their case too - even though she’s massively successful and mildly famous. My Mum was seen as the pretty one but this isn’t one of the things she resents about her parents - she does seem to view looks as more important than they are as a result though.

My parents were sort of the opposite- they tended to lump as all in (one girl, two boys) as a homogeneous mass quite a lot.

You were not allowed to be who you are and were labelled and forced into isolation from each other....just offering condolences and if you grieve, you are right to do so

I think it's true that (almost) all parents do their best. Even mine did, and my childhood was really quite fucked up. It's simply that (almost) all parents carry their own issues, so, in many cases, their best isn't very good.

Definitely explore therapy if it bothers you but it does sound like they did what they thought was the right thing, and who knows if you would have been happier with them letting you choose - would you potentially have felt aimless, not supported or structured, allowed to have made the wrong choices as a child? Not saying that IS the case, but it's just something to think about - sometimes the grass is always greener.

I guess it's just a case of resolving it for yourself and thinking about whether your parents' hearts were in the right place.

I'd be the twin sister, the pretty one, out performing all the others.
Which one are you?

Sorry this just sounds like too much navel gazing…therapy for what? It sounds like your parents loved you, encouraged you all based on your strengths and gave you lots of opportunities. Try to be grateful to your parents instead of inventing problems.

Or maybe they didn't think you were that academic so they got you loads of tutoring to help? But said you were to boost your confidence.

It seems very odd to pay for a tutor for a child who is already extremely smart.....and not get a tutor for the child who is struggling.

Maybe it was all a bit of reverse psychology because it doesn't make sense.

Do you think your parents did what they thought was best, OP? Or do you think they had ulterior motives?

My Mum tried to be a good mum (she still does). I know she loves me. However, she is a flawed person (like all of us) and some of the things she said to me / about me when I was growing up were damaging. She'd die if she knew (these were not unkind things but lots of pigeon holing, like your parents and some transferred issues around food), so when I reflect on it, I try to do so with empathy. She tried her best, I genuinely believe that, so that's what I try to focus on.

You say you had your schools imposed upon you - We asked our primary headteacher for a day off to go and look round secondary schools, she was of the opinion that I was daft to give my kids any input as to secondary schools choice…

I saw a comedy sketch a while ago where a chap was in therapy for similar non-traumatic life events, complaining he’d spent a fortune and felt no better…”have you tried not thinking about it” was the therapists best advice, many a true word spoken in jest!

A friend of mine - also one of three girls - had exactly the same experience. Down to the “clever one, sporty one, pretty one” descriptors. I wonder if it’s a more common thing than you’d imagine; she certainly didn’t like it much either! I think it’s hard just to let these things go when they’ve been so ingrained from childhood.

OP what should your parents have done?
They looked at what you seemed to be like at 8/9 and chose schools that thought would suit you based on that information. What would you do so differently with your own kids?
As a mum of three I can tell you that unless you're extremely wealthy and privileged it is simply not physically possible to allow them all to try every single extra-curricular hobby or interest they might possibly enjoy, until they figure out what they like the most. They do have to choose to some extent because the logistics are a nightmare. It's very different if you have one child.
I'd love my three to be able to try every instrument, sport and performing art going to work out what their real passions are. Of course I would. But the reality is we can't afford or facilitate this! They each get to do a couple of activities so they choose the things they most like... at the moment the eldest chooses arty stuff and the middle one prefers music and sport.... the thought of them growing up to decide this was us 'pigeonholing' them really horrifies me- but what should I do? Give them all expensive sport, art and instrument lessons - even DD1 who has no interest - just in case sone of them he later feels pigeon-holed?
Furthermore it doesn't sound like the 'pigeon holing' actually limited you in any way- take the example of your sister who was thought to be more sporty but then got top A levels - she obviously thrived where she was. The fact that she did well is not some sort of indictment of your parents' approach, I don't think.
IMO it is very normal for it to take until late teens or even uni - or later! - to work out what really interests and excited you and what talents you have, those things can also change. It's also your responsibility as an individual to discover those things. I've only really done this as an adult.
Your parents sounds like they tried hard to parent you all well and give you lots of opportunities. I am sure they made mistakes, like all parents, but did the best they could with the information and knowledge they had. Parents are human and fallible, like you. Try to give them some grace.

The reality is, I wasn’t just academic, I discovered a love for performing and theatre while at uni, my twin was clearly much more academically capable than my parents ever gave her credit for. At her very sporty independent school she was the top academic performer in her A-Levels with 3 A and an A. My older sister was actually a really good netball player as well as violin and clarinet.*
None of us got to develop our other skills as our parents had defined us so rigidly.

It looks like you did each develop other skills, albeit later.

That’s not to say don’t try therapy and don’t discuss it with your sisters, but give yourself/selves credit for growing beyond those initial ‘categories’. I don’t believe my path was set at 8, 12, 15 or until after uni, quite honestly.

@RescueMeFromThisSilliness

They are all positive traits. I think it would be different if they were negative characteristics.

But the ops parents aren’t yours?

I agree with this.

You are going to make mistakes with your ds. We all do.