I really resent my parents for labelling us as children

You also forget so much of your childhood.

My daughter will probably look back at some party photos in the same way but what she won't remember is her point blank refusal to have anything with frills or her preference for (horrible) bright blue joggers.

She's the sporty one compared to my elder son. Things just come much more naturally to her where as he looks like he has hands that belong to someone else when trying to coordinate.

However he has a naturally athletic build and so may come into his own in teenage years. He's closing the gap with his peers as they get older.

It is tricky because I've said things like 'don't worry I don't think you'll be looking for a career on stage' but this is because he was so uncomfortable doing his school plays and hated them. I intended it as reassurance in that moment but who is to say he won't remember it differently, especially as he now quite likes drama at secondary school.

However the boy in front of me now isn't the painfully shy primary schooler he was just a year ago. I spent so long with that child and I'm utterly delighted at his progress but it takes a bit of adjustment.

To get closure and move on. It helped me as my relationship with my mum and siblings has improved. Her parents should be held accountable.

What would be the point? What could her parents do about it now except feel guilty? How would that help?

I think the musical one, academic one and sporty one is fine. However, your parents saying your twin was the prettier one would’ve really hurt. I think you need to talk to your parents about how this has affected you.

Yes I agree.. reframe your thinking about it all really... your oarents put a lot of thought into doing what they thought was for the best for each of you individualy... they got it completely wrong... but it wasn't there intention.. you and your sisters have this in common.. you've all ended up doing OK! you've got a lot to build on here you could easily make a happy future with your sisters... try to think that your parents only wanted what was best you don't have to be so upset by that surely...

You could see this two ways. The other way is that they were very good parents doing what they thought was best for each child separately. It would have been much easier for them to send you all to the same school. Instead, they thought about each individual child’s needs & interests. Well done to them.

The comments about your sister being the pretty one etc. were completely wrong. We all make mistakes as parents

I think it's ok to acknowledge the difficulty this caused you without framing it as having awful parents.

Since having my own son, I've realised how much my mum dominated what was the "right" thing for me to like (classical music, not playing with barbies, being snotty about kiddy things). I was her fourth child, and she was also used by her parents to look after her younger siblings, so I guess she was bored of kiddy things, and got a kick out of making me share her interests.

But now I see my toddler son enjoying kiddy things, and enjoying them WITH his peers, and I realise that 1) I enjoy him enjoying them SO MUCH and 2) I was pushed away from my peers artificially by an adult woman's distaste for them (needless to say this lasted through my teen years... Which wasn't fun).

But to her mind, she wasn't doing anything harmful, and was in fact trying to give me something "better". I also have views on parenting and am trying to give my son "better". I hope I get it more right than she did, but I can't be perfect.

It's useful to see the situation for what it was now.

"Have you tried not thinking about it" - love it!! What excellent advice - especially for the 28 to 32 year old age group.

They seem particular "hard done by" in their own minds I find.

And utterly exhausting with the things they manage to streeeeeeeeeeeeeetch out as showing what awful childhoods they had.

I tend to agree with this even though my parents did the same. I was 'the clever one, not particularly pretty' while my sister was 'pretty and artistic'. I didn't imagine it as we discussed it as adults and both felt the same. My sister said she felt like a performing monkey. She was the one who was less successful in education and career which may have had something to do with my parents although they might just have been trying to accentuate her talents when she failed the 11 plus (this was in the 1960s). I grew up with low self esteem and was surprised if anyone (literally anyone) found me attractive.

I think they were trying to do their best though and don't resent them for it.

Therapy, definitely. And as your sisters were equally impacted, it may turn out to be a factor in you reconnecting once you’ve got further from your childhoods. My parents did similar, with the best of intentions, but tremendously negative consequences. We’ve only become closer in our 40s and 50s, after more time passed. It’s possible to acknowledge that your parents were doing their best without minimising the consequences.

I agree. It's easy in hind sight but it does sound like they thought they were doing the right thing. I have a dancer who is at lessons until late and several days a week. The younger one also goes dancing but is less consumed by it. I try to discuss with them what they want from it and as my older one loves it, she also needs to realise she will have to sacrifice other things too. She can make that decision overall but I would not expect it to be easy.

As parents we constantly second guess what we are doing. I don't know how old your son is but as they get older it gets harder to navigate their choices and the balance. I have two girls so no doubt they will compare whatever I do. I've also made it clear that they need to think about what they have rather than don't have because it is impossible to have exactly the same all the time. They are different ages, they have different interests. Also no doubt there will be the day where one of them will turn around and tell me I did it all wrong!

Go to therapy if you feel the need to. I think it can be a great option but maybe don't hold it against your parents or sisters. A therapist may help you reframe your thoughts. You have said you're all happy? Would your life be the same if you did something differently. Were you ever forced into a direction you didn't want to go? If your son isnt academic what would you do? If he's really bright and the teacher wants to give him extra work to challenge him what would you do? If he really wants to play football every weekend do you encourage that or not? Do you give him the tools to build on his strengths or say no. It sounds like the pressure was indirect not because your parents applied it but there is probably more to that than you can get in your original post.

Parenting is hard. And I just feel that unless they beat you or were cruel, they were trying their best and nothing is perfect. Hope you find peace and you've got your whole life ahead to decide what you do next, it's nothing to do with your parents now.

I think the issue with grammar schools is you’ve got the council officially labelling one of the kids as the ‘clever one’ which doesn’t help

Reading what your brother said to you gave me a lump in my throat. It’s amazing how a gentle kindness that makes you completely look at yourself more positively can really hit the spot

Isn't that kind of " labelling" quite the norm in families. Even if families where the kids have a far less privileged upbringing that your sisters and you?

Honestly some people find anything to moan about. Perhaps you'd have preferred no labelling from parents but crap schools, no sports/ music opportunities etc ( between all 3 of you) I'm sure you'd not really have been any happier at the local sink comp where you walk through metal detectors to search for weapons and many of the kids don't even get GCSE s. Count your blessings

I haven’t read the full thread but what stands out to me is your parents had 3 kids under two and that must have been so hard! They tried to cultivate each of your strengths by sending you to three different schools. I can’t imagine how much of a struggle that must have been for them day to day! They sound like they were really invested parents that wanted the best for their kids. Maybe they stereotyped you and pigeon holed you. If that’s the worst thing that came out of your upbringing I would be grateful.
My childhood memories are of being poor, cold and in a house where my parents argued so much there was often violence (mum being violent to dad) my mum’s mental health being so bad she ‘took to her bed’ for often months at a time. I would trade that for stereotyping.
I would definitely recommend therapy-it worked well for me. However sometimes we just need to pick ourselves up, count our blessings and get on with life and all its messiness.

I was the lazy and clumsy one..
actually have dyspraxia!

They might have been trying their best but ‘My parents also constantly pointed out how gorgeous my twin was and would say things like “you got all the smart genes, your sister got all the pretty ones”, ’ is pretty bad.

You are the only parent of the group. This gives you a different perspective and has you questioning your parents parenting skills. We make decisions based on our own upbringing.

You’ll probably find your sisters have similar stories - whilst you may think what they had was better - they may think you did!!

Hobbies aren’t so much about talent, but perseverance, team building - work ethic, a skill set however this is achieved

I have 3 including twins - I want my kids to be a team, look after each other, whilst DS lived football, the girls enjoyed net ball, one still plays, the other is more into the gym. Bit they do support each other, look after each other, pick each other up after a night out.

This is the bit that’s missing and this is the bit you need to build.

Or make others i haven't even considered!

This is so well put and is something that keeps me up at night with regard to my own primary age children. I dont have a bad word to say about my parents. My husband quite the opposite about his upbringing (i understand why) but I am constantly questioning myself and my parenting now hoping I don't make the mistakes his parents did.

It’s also known how teenagers have no self awareness and see things only from their perspective so sometimes as a parent you do everything right, bar one thing, and that’s the thing they hone in on. I remember once I’d had a day of giving my all to my kids, my job, starting at 6am, also perimenopausal. Come 9pm I was sitting down for the very first time that day utterly exhausted. Enter 9.01 dd13 with some problem with a boy which we’d been over and over for weeks. I gave her about 5 mins and then said I was exhausted and could we do it some other time. Diary entry ‘I’m totally heartbroken even my own mum has no time for me. I feel so alone’

How many times do parents, especially on here, justify their reasons for sending their dc to private school because it was ‘the right school for their child’? It seems to be seen as an acceptable reason. Your parents were just doing the same for you.

Edit to add: I don’t believe in pigeonholing kids myself, but I do accept that all decent parents do want to let their children fulfil their potential.

OP youre not alone, its infuriating and makes you feel like you are not really seen....just as the stereotype your parents slapped on you years ago and that you may have outgrown, or was perhaps even never remotely true, just something they decided was true and then imposed. people who are so flippantly saying 'get over it' or 'it wasnt so bad' dont realise how stifling it is, or how it attacks your sense of identity or feeling of being accepted and loved.

In my case I was the supposedly brainy one who was supposed to always have her head stuck in a book, was supposed to be hopelessly head in the clouds and impractical, and would never get a boyfriend. My sister was supposed to be the dumb but popular one. Actually all this is nonsense. We're both pretty similar and somewhere in the middle of these two extremes.

In our case we are able to laugh about it and its drawn us closer together, we just laugh and roll our eyes because we know its all fiction. But it can be a horrible and damaging thing. Hugs to you xx

Great response

Your parents sound well intentioned but controlling and this obviously backfired but the one thing I would say is that you all found your way eventually.
Parents aren’t perfect and often they are trying their best - whatever we might say your parents clearly tried !