I really resent my parents for labelling us as children

I think some of those labels would bother me more than others. I was called the quiet one growing up which I'm fine with. I am quiet and introverted compared to my siblings to be honest. However I would not have appreciated my parents calling a sister "the pretty one" or comparing things like intelligence and kindness.

Did you ever tell your kids that one got the pretty genes and one got the smart genes?

That is beyond awful and not something a parent should ever say.

At the time did you each want to pursue different things, did one sister love music and want to do it, did the other sister love sports and did you enjoy shining academically? I think children do like to have 'their thing' to single them out from their siblings, particularly when you were all girls and so close in age. Would you still be annoyed now if you had been forced to do lots of music and sports, because your sisters loved them and you all had to do the same things to be 'fair'.

The different schools for each of you seems a bit extreme, possibly to prevent you just being a little group of three and not making separate friendships? But the pretty, not pretty bit was really cruel. I had a friend who said one of her daughter's was really pretty which was just as well because she wasn't very smart and it was all she had, I was so shocked.

You could get cross and resentful, or try with therapy to get over it and don't let it fester.

It does sound like your parents weren't consciously trying to pit you all against each other, but that's how it had turned out. On other levels, sounds like you had parents that cared enough to try and notice and exploit your 'strengths' and put you in schools they thought were the best fit. Obviously in hindsight it has hindered. I think try and look at why they did it - was it with malicious intent or good intent.

Who knows how we're mucking up our kids future lives right?! We're all trying to do our best, but what will our kids say when they're adults...

I think we al have resentments like this about our family. I was the independent, difficult one in my parents eyes and my brother was the kind, helpless one. I used to really resent the different way we were treated, but at some point youve got to move on and become the grown up, and forgive them like you would forgive a child who didnt know better, because they were doing their best.

Yes find it strange they do this too! My sister was the "smart" one who will do well in life. My brother was the "dumb and quiet" one, and I would " probably stay home forever and work in a cake shop!?" My sister dropped out of school and lives on benefits still at the age of 52. My brother became a skilled carpenter and I was the first person in the family to go to university, twice! I have a well paid job and a paid off house! I've told my children that we can all change and improve along the way, and grow with opportunities.

It sounds like they done what they thought was best and tried to play to your strengths I'm 100% sure you aren't a perfect parent either and will make decisions for your child they may come to resent . As parents were damned if we do and damned if we dont we just do what we think is best at the time and hope we got it right .

My father would call me "hijous" ((hideous) and my brother "fairy child" among other ethereal names which he found hilarious. He didn't do it out of malice. I look exactly like him so I now believe it was meant in a weird, self deprecating way. He would also say I was "plain". On top of that I was labelled as the naughty one, I had a "penetrating" voice that would get on my parents' nerves and yes, I did grow up feeling invisible and awkward.
My parents were older and very sheltered and this was a long time ago but labelling children is damaging.
My father died a few years ago and I miss him dreadfully because essentially he was a good man and good father.
Most parents are doing the best they can with the knowledge and resources they have.
My best advice would be to seek some therapy and try to move forwards and build your relationship with your parents. Perhaps if they know the impact the labelling had they may start to understand you more.

TBH you sound a bit whingy, spoilt...

stop overthinking things, get over yourself and get on with your life.

My mother had me pigeonholed as 'disorganised'. She only had the two of us, and the other one was my brother, so it wasn't as though she HAD to put us into boxes, but this was the 60's. I was chaotic, apparently and needed to learn to organise better.

She kept this myth of me being a total mess right through my adulthood, even when I was a single mum of five, getting all the kids to school on time every day, fed, washed, dressed and all bills paid. I've subsequently been diagnosed ADHD and I think - to her, superorganised and regimented mind - I WAS chaotic. But the way I was, worked for me.

As I grew up though I could see her as a human being with problems of her own, so I understand her reasoning. I think it can help if you stand back a bit and try to look dispassionately on your upbringing and see your mother as a fallible human being who was usually trying her best.

I wish motherhood came with some kind of manual myself.

I get it. My mother went through a stage of being obsessed with the idea of me and my sibling being autistic. She did not keep the idea to herself and regularly went on and on and on about it from when I was the age of about 10 up until I left at 16. It had a huge effect on my self esteem and my siblings too

It sounds as though your parents genuinely had your best interests at heart, and tried to give you opportunities to develop that were appropriate. It sounds as though they were well meaning. In the end it turns out they didn't get it right - but parenting is hard and they did their best as they saw it. Your feelings are understandable but you are now an adult in your own right and can make your own decisions and change your life if you want to. TBH you sound a bit depressed, therapy might or might not help depending on the therapist (IME it is a waste of time and money with only the briefest glimpses of insights that help change one's thinking/behaviour). Realistically the way your adult life has turned out is not solely down to your parents' perception of you as a developing child. In your position I would try and reconnect better with sisters, see them more often, and perhaps talk to them about their own feelings about your upbringing. And try not to hold onto only the negative feelings about your parents, look back on the good times as well.

I think this oscillates between generations. My mother was treated the same as her sister - same school, same extra curriculars, same approach. She grew up resentful that their individuality wasn’t explored.

She treated my sister and I in the same way that your parents have treated you. The problem is, you’re right in that whilst they are trying to foster individuality, they inadvertently end up pigeon-holing. All they’ve got to go off are the interests and skill sets of 7-16 year olds which of course will change significantly.

I’m trying to find a balance for my kids, but honestly it’s so hard to make the right choices for them. We’re taking the anpproach that it’s important that they’re involved in any decisions, but then again that’s a balance too.

My DH and I have spoken about this, and if our kids ever come back to criticise our choices, we can hand-on-heart say that we did our absolute best. Mistakes are probably inevitable, but we’ve raised them with love and respect, and worked with the info and tools we had at the time. Hopefully they accept that.

I think therapy would be a very good option for you. All the best!

Yes, try to work through the issues with a professional. The more quickly you can move on, the more of your life you have to live without resentment. You don't get any extra time back.

There will be positives, I'm sure, that will surface and help you not to dwell on only the negatives of your parents' efforts.
You sound like you are a family of wonderful women.
Try to see and celebrate the best in you all.
Start afresh this Christmas.
Try to laugh together about the 'experiment' and identify the horrible and happy things. Talk it out; tell your parents that it somewhat back fired (without being too cruel).

Fact is, you'll never know whether you will have ended up anywhere different had you three all gone to the same school, or if each of you had been treated as Sporty Spice, or if you had been Baby Spice and your twin sister, Scary Spice.

Your parents would have meant well in noticing strengths and offering you all individual opportunities.

It's not too late to form a girl band!
And to make your parents sparkly badges with their own labels. Who would they be?

Prime example of swine-like lack of gratitude for amazing childhoods arranged for you three by your parents. Wow. Your poor, poor parents.

This is really sad! I'm a non identical twin too, and had the same stereotype of 'i chose books, she chose looks' but this didn't come from my parents- that would have been so hurtful to me!!
I think therapy is a great idea. And maybe speak with your sisters about it all and see if they're feeling the same?
Sounds like your parents tried to do what they thought was right but it's a good example of how you don't have to be completely abusive to hurt your kids.

Held accountable for what? Not being perfect? We'll be a long time if everyone is made accountable for that.

Wow! do you tell only one of your DDs she's the pretty one? Awful parenting

It sounds like they were trying to give you all good chances in life in line with your talents. They may have been misguided or got things wrong, but it seems like the intention was good and they were trying their best. I wonder which parents among us do our job perfectly?

I think you need to stop focusing on this and move on with your life. We are all flawed human beings.

Not good parenting, for sure, but I think no malice was intended. You are now adults who have found your niche in life. Move on from perceived parental expectations and be kind.

If your parents hurt you but you want to protect their feelings then that’s very sad. People should be told when they’ve made a mistake and hurt someone and have that chance to learn and apologise.

I think this emphasises the dangerous trap many of us will fall into without even realising.

Your parents probably thought you were the more confident one as a result of being more academically gifted and achieving more.

They tried to compensate with your sister by emphasising different qualities. But your confidence was only in certain areas and they didn't see that and you interpreted the 'building up your sister to the same ' as 'she's better than me'.

I'll bet we've all done it. Probably to a lesser extent than OP's parents but I imagine they were trying to avoid a different pitfall and got the balance wrong.

I think you need to chnage your mindset

You were loved, your parents tried their best for each of you. Surely that counts the most

I think you should definately discuss with your sisters, hopefully you can build strong bonds.

I don't think there is anything to be gained by talking to your parents about this.

They were trying to control you by putting you in little boxes they designed, and would likely get very defensive if challenged about their behaviour - you'd get a new label of the ungrateful one, and they'd try to isolate you furthet from your sisters. I don't think they were doing their best to help you thrive as independent individuals, they were telling you all who they wanted you to be - pretty, sporty, clever, nice and handy for them, but you weren't the Spice Girls.

I think you have a great chance of reconnecting with your sisters, and your kids can have aunts in their lives.

If I had done that with my parents I think it would just have upset them and not helped at all.