DH wants to meet up with his ex while abroad with work

Lots of people are still friendly with people they dated years ago. Some even with people they were married to. That probably is a good thing about your dh as a person, Much better than someone who has bad relationships with exes.

Given you say you trust him, I don't see what you are worried about. Especially given she is also married with kids.

@IvedoneitagainhaventI It's not a question of " planning " something. I'm sure nobody thinks he is planning on seeing his old love with the specific intention of jumping into bed with her. It's about rekindling old longings, igniting feelings of what might have been and fuelling discontent with the life he has instead of the life he could have had.

That's a pretty wild reach. What on earth makes you think he's going through all that, rather than the much more common, "Hmm I wonder how things are going with Ex, would be nice to catch up while I'm in town"?

People are saying"he must have feelings for her" - of course he does, but it's not a binary distinction between either loving someone or never wanting to see them again. A lot of us care about our exes in the same way as we care about our friends. And that's a GOOD thing.

I'd be fine with it.

Men and women are allowed to have opposite sex friendships.

I'm still friends with an ex and my partner's best friend is a woman.

Same. But he'd call me after about 1.5 hours just for a chit chat - but also out of courtesy to let me know he's back in his hotel, getting room service and putting Netflix on.

I also have exes I'm fond of, maybe 1-2. I do sometimes wish we stayed friends. It's just history, that past life many years ago. I only have fond memories.

I'm solid with my husband and nothing on this planet would make me break up my family with him.

Following people we used to know but aren’t in real contact with blurs what was once the line between friends and people we used to know. It’s a window into their lives that without social media we wouldn’t have. So when the opportunity to meet up arises there is some feeling of familiarity.

What might happen is some conversation about what has be gleaned about their lives from social media but would there be any connection to that? Surely it would just be putting more detail to the online story. To reconnect they would probably need to reminisce about their shared history. I think that is always inevitable when old friends meet again after a long gap. And this is where meeting ex partners might become problematic for the current partner who is elsewhere while that reminiscing is happening.

Is not wanting our partner to cosily be wandering down that memory lane with someone who they had once loved insecurity? Even if it is, shouldn’t the question be why they think doing that is a good idea.

@gannett
I know you have posted on other threads about the importance of your friendships and how your relationship works as regards friendships.

Obviously OP is happy for her H to follow his ex on Instagram. So she is happy for a certain level of contact between the two of them.

But it is OP who feels this meet up crosses a boundary and enters intimate territory she is not comfortable with. And that is entirely her prerogative. She is entitled to whatever boundaries she is comfortable with. If her H doesn't accept her boundary then that is a discussion they need to have.

Personally I wouldn't be happy with my H following his ex on Instagram and I wouldn't be happy with this meet up. But that's me. So we are all different and we all have different boundaries.

This is a strange leap.

I follow a lot of people on Instagram, including exes, and my feelings are that I platonically enjoy seeing what they're up to. An Insta follow does not equal romantic intent.

"Intimate" is overegging the pudding. Is socialising one-on-one always intimate to you? I had dinner with a male friend last week, was that "intimate"? Are married people not meant to socialise one-on-one with anyone any more? That's not how I want to live.

@PotolKimchi
If he didn't have feelings for her on some level he wouldn't be following her on Instagram.
And he wouldn't be extending his work trip to meet up with her in order to have an intimate dinner with her.

I don't think I'd mind. They broke up because presumably they are incompatible. He's moved on married you and has a DC now. He probably wants to show off DC photos to her.

I get that you would hate for your DH to have a 'date' (it isn't really, is it) in Paris, or presumably anywhere with an ex.

But do you think that is a function of his standards, or of your immaturity. It seems you are jealous of him having a nice time in the company of an ex or presumably any other woman, and want his life to be smaller so that you never have to experience uncomfortable feelings or question the root of your "hate". The problem is all in you, and shouldn't you be prepared to own that you are the jealous insecure one, who isn't even prepared to acknowledge it, never mind address it.

There have been loads of "cool girl" snide comments here, but to offer the flip side. Even if you lock someone up to stop them cheating, you can't control their thoughts. Even if you give a Hard No to them meeting up/messaging/Insta, ultimately if you were secure in yourself, and in your relationship this would be a non-issue; you would be able to acknowledge and talk about your feelings, including the uncomfortable pangs that you wish you could be there too.

How does @IvedoneitagainhaventI know he still has feelings for this ex? I have zero feelings for my exes except for some residual fondness. I have literally no desire to sleep with any of them. They are all my friends on FB as we met at a time in our lives when FB use was common. I think I have one of them on LinkedIn as well. Nothing has to be that dramatic.
Other than I would be irritated about someone extending a work trip for a dinner, if that is what is happening. The rest is all wild speculation.

It 's not controlling for OP to ask her H not to meet up with his Ex.
She has every right to ask him. But of course she can't tell him what to do.
But he took vows to OP and if it is a monogamous marriage then him meeting up with another woman he obviously still has feelings for then if he can't acknowledge that would be a problem for OP and chose not to go he would be showing a distinct lack of care and consideration for his supposed life partner.

It's not a question of " planning " something. I'm sure nobody thinks he is planning on seeing his old love with the specific intention of jumping into bed with her. It's about rekindling old longings, igniting feelings of what might have been and fuelling discontent with the life he has instead of the life he could have had.

I can’t believe people think this. That you can’t even follow an ex on social media. I’m friends with exes on Facebook and follow them on instagram. If someone tries to tell me they had a problem with that, I would find it absolutely suffocating and tbh not healthy.

I’d imagine it’s a lost cause OP. You know he wants to do it, even if he said he won’t go, you wouldn’t know if he did or didn’t would you? My money would be on him doing it anyway and just not telling you

I’d imagine it’s a lost cause OP. You know he wants to do it, even if he said he won’t go, you wouldn’t know if he did or didn’t would you? My money would be on him doing it anyway and just not telling you

Tough one. If my ex was in my city (i live abroad, but moved after we split up), i would love to catch up with him. Would mean absolutely nothing romantically, just someone that I knew in a past life that I would enjoy catching up with. We also have each other on insta and facebook but don't speak.

I imagine though that he would not want to because of his partner, and i would respect that. He was very much like that with exes when we were together. Years ago though i think i would also have felt insecure if the situation was reversed, so i can totally see both sides

It’s good they’re still friends, much better than if she dived down alleyways at the sight of him, but no I wouldn’t feel right about this either.

Absolutely no. Totally odd.

No, I wouldn’t be comfortable with DH going out for a 1:1 with a former flame, but then I’m not a CoolGirl™️.

The fact that he's telling you suggests he's planning nothing. I'd let him go. Being a controlling partner doesn't help, treat him like an adult unless you have reason not to.

Far from being a cool wife but this is one that wouldn't bother me. You can express discomfort, but you don't get to allow or not allow it.

I am still in touch with several exes, one in particular has met and gets on with my husband. There is a gulf between old relationships which transition to friendships and striking up a new friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

Doesn't matter if he does or not now. He wants to. Do with that what you will.

I just met my ex in SF for a long dinner. We are married, have kids. I follow his career, he follows mine. We haven’t seen each other in a decade. It was very nice (although I did remember a little why we broke up- and I mentally congratulated his wife on putting up with this). I also took some gifts for his kids and he brought something for mine.
It was a nice restaurant and a very nice dinner. Zero romantic sparks were re-kindled.

DH also had dinner with an ex last month in London. They are good friends. I like her.

However extending a work trip to see ANYONE is a immensely irritating. I hold down the fort when DH travels and I do not expect to have to do it for longer for a dinner. That’s the unacceptable bit not the wine in Paris bit.

Not a cool wife in the slightest. I follow my ex on Insta because he was a big part of my life at one point and I’m interested in how he’s getting on in life - no different to anyone else I follow. There are zero romantic or sexual feelings.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest. If DP wanted to shag someone in Paris, there's a few million people there, she's no more likely to shag her ex than anyone else there.