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Original poster

DH wants to meet up with his ex while abroad with work

139 replies

Erns · 20/11/2025 01:35

My DH used to live and work in Paris many years ago, he’s currently in Paris for 2 weeks for work and has decided to remain over the weekend.
Apparently his ex who he still follows on instagram (I don’t mind this) has seen on of the stories he’s posted and asked if he wants to meet up while there. DH said he’s keen to go, they are both married now, we have a DC, but it would be nice to catch up with an old friend.
I don’t think I’d mind if it were a group setting but from the sounds of it, it would just be the two of them, sharing wine in one of the worlds most romantic cities and that makes me feel a bit strange about it. I don’t doubt his loyalty, I’d never imagine he would cheat on me but I guess it’s just a little different when it’s his ex?
AIBU to be hesitant to allowing this?

OP posts:
MibsXX · 21/11/2025 04:34

Erns · 20/11/2025 01:35

My DH used to live and work in Paris many years ago, he’s currently in Paris for 2 weeks for work and has decided to remain over the weekend.
Apparently his ex who he still follows on instagram (I don’t mind this) has seen on of the stories he’s posted and asked if he wants to meet up while there. DH said he’s keen to go, they are both married now, we have a DC, but it would be nice to catch up with an old friend.
I don’t think I’d mind if it were a group setting but from the sounds of it, it would just be the two of them, sharing wine in one of the worlds most romantic cities and that makes me feel a bit strange about it. I don’t doubt his loyalty, I’d never imagine he would cheat on me but I guess it’s just a little different when it’s his ex?
AIBU to be hesitant to allowing this?

If he's already there and already decided to saty the weekend extra, that would tell me theres a good chance they've already been meeting up, and the weekend is the fun bit..... only you know him well enough to know how likely this is

Vordooflore · 20/11/2025 23:54

Morningsleepin · 20/11/2025 03:06

I'm so glad I'm single and can keep my friends. What suffocating marriages most you lead

I think deep inside you are not glad to be single.

raspberryberet2020 · 20/11/2025 22:30

Again, the coolwives will be along to pretend it's normal to keep following an ex on insta. It's not, of course, it's odd. But the same desperate to please women will tell you that no matter what manky kink he's into you're just being "vanilla" and you're not "sex positive" if you don't embrace the gimp suit 😆

It's all on a spectrum of having no boundaries and allowing men to do anything, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, anything to sound cool (in their own minds) rather than admit to normal human emotions and concerns about inappropriate behaviour.

You don't want him to do this, so ask him not to. Not having a cosy lunch in Paris with your ex wife is a normal, non controversial and completely standard boundary. If he pretends not to understand your concerns, he will be lying.

If he insists you know you have a real problem.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 20/11/2025 22:25

I wouldn’t have a problem with it at all.

Tuesdayschild50 · 20/11/2025 22:19

Your mot unreasonable but your feelings need to be talked about in a genuine way to your partner / husband about how this makes you feel.
There is nothing wrong in needing reassurance and asking him why he feels he wants to meet up with his ex when he has you.

Glendaruel · 20/11/2025 18:34

Reading this, im glad my husband trusts me. Ive stayed on friendly terms with exs, would meet up for a meal if in same town, one has even come and stopped the night here. I dont have an issue with my husband doing the same.

GoldenGail · 20/11/2025 18:34

Beekman · 20/11/2025 02:05

Well, you’re not in a position to “allow” anything but you need to speak to him about how you feel. It is possible he has no idea how much it would upset you and would cancel in a heartbeat if he knew.

Also, after two weeks away, he should be dying to get home, not extending his trip.

She means the weekend in the middle of the two week stretch

Ocelotfeet27 · 20/11/2025 18:29

YABU - if you can't trust him then it isn't a good relationship. If you do trust him but just feel uneasy then remind yourself you trust him and don't try to stop him going. I would share your feelings about it with him though and say whilst you support him going it does make you uneasy.

Thoseslippers · 20/11/2025 18:25

I don't unfollow anyone on social media unless they did something awful. Therefore I am still following most of my exes. Bar one who did do something awful. It seems aggressive to unfollow someone just because the romantic relationship did not work out. I mean everyone is different but I do find it strange people saying having anything to do with your ex is some sign you aren't fully invested in your current partner. Seems a bit childish to me.
I'd fully expect any grown adult to have exes from long term relationships that they still cared about as friends. In fact it would be a massive red flag to me if anyone over 30 had no contact with any exes from any ltr. I'd think there was some level of volatility there. Either they weren't very emotionally stable or they didn't care about sexual partners as human beings and wrte just done with them when the sex stopped.

Sichsehnen · 20/11/2025 18:04

In Paris. And its freezing and grey right now! @BlueEyedBogWitch

DarkPassenger1 · 20/11/2025 17:34

Situations like this can build trust and strengthen your relationship tbh. If I were in your DH's shoes I know I'd feel really close to my spouse knowing that they trusted me 100% and knew that I would be faithful. I'd be a bit concerned tbh if they were worried I couldn't be trusted, and wonder if there were deeper problems ongoing with the marriage.

thedoofus · 20/11/2025 16:59

I wouldn't have a problem with this personally - in fact, something not dissimilar happened a few years ago when DH met an ex for a drink when she came to London for work (she lives in Vienna). It didn't occur to me to mind. (Though I'm pretty sure that if I had minded he wouldn't have gone.)
I'm close friends with a couple of my exes (as is DH, we've all known each other for years). We've been on holiday together with our families etc. One of them lives in another country, and the occasions he's visited and I've been available and DH hasn't, the two of us have been out for dinner.
But it's how you feel that is what matters here, and if you're uneasy, I think you should express that.

BlueEyedBogWitch · 20/11/2025 16:57

Paris is a shit hole?

Where do you live? Heaven?

Arlanymor · 20/11/2025 16:51

Sichsehnen · 20/11/2025 03:39

I'm going to weigh in as a French Parisienne woman. I would find it to the contrary strange to not meet up with someone who you shared a bit of life with if you're in their city and haven't seen them for a while. I'm also less wary of exes that I am of other women, they've lived what that had to live together already and they are exes for a reason. later in life we all have pasts. Our pasts also shape us and the people we love. I would also think that the fact that he told you he's going to meet up with her means that it is just "friendly".

But none of what I think matters OP. What matters is how you feel about it. If it makes you uneasy, tell him you don't want him to meet with her because it's making you feel inconfortable. Explain it to him. And if he's a good partner, he'll understand and take your feelings onboard. Do you know why you're feeling uneasy or untrusting?

I hope you find a solution that suits you both.

Edited

This is an excellent answer and I totally agree.

ContinuewithGoogle · 20/11/2025 16:49

Maddy70 · 20/11/2025 16:45

Paris is not romantic it's a shit hole. Nothing wrong with two old friends getting together and having some food or a drink. Honestly I despair at Mumsnet sometimes. The insecurity is unreal. You either trust your partners or you don't

let's not push it, it might not be the most romantic city in the world the OP is trying to imagine, but it's hardly a shit hole 😂

Maddy70 · 20/11/2025 16:45

Paris is not romantic it's a shit hole. Nothing wrong with two old friends getting together and having some food or a drink. Honestly I despair at Mumsnet sometimes. The insecurity is unreal. You either trust your partners or you don't

ContinuewithGoogle · 20/11/2025 16:21

sharing wine in one of the worlds most romantic cities

You are a bit ridiculous. It's not like he invited her TO Paris, they just happened to be there, it could be Blackpool or Detroit, it's work,

You cannot "not allow" him to do anything, you are not his mother - and you REALLY don't want him to think of you as a nagging boring wife 😂

He's thinking about meeting an ex, you say she's married, they both long moved on.

Either you trust him or you don't. If he wanted to cheat, he wouldn't need to try to impress an ex, he could cheat with anyone and he wouldn't tell you.

You are feeling jealousy because she's an ex, that's human, but chill.

noidea69 · 20/11/2025 16:11

SunMoonandChocolate · 20/11/2025 02:06

I haven't voted OP, because it's hard to know if you're being unreasonable, as we don't know your DH. Has he ever been unfaithful to you? Has his physical appearance changed much since he was with her, ie, has he lost all his hair, or gained a huge amount of weight, something which might well put her off if she were looking to re-kindle the relationship? Have you seen a picture of her as she was, and an up to date picture of her, in order to tell if she's changed much physically since he was with her? At the end of the day, only you really know if there's a chance he might be tempted. Have you told him that you feel a little uncomfortable at the thought of them meeting up, and if so, what sort of response did you get, was it reassuring, or did it not make a difference? Finally, you can't do anything to stop him meeting up with her if he really wants to, as he could just do it, and lie, so I guess in your shoes, I'd tell him I feel a bit uncomfortable with it, but if he really wants to see her, you can't stop him, so it's up to him.

surely if they are both now unattractive that would cancel it out? Very odd approach to take.

OrigamiAnimal · 20/11/2025 16:10

Wow some people are MENTAL. She's an ex for a reason, he's married to you, she's married as well. They shared a part of their life and now they live their current lives. I would think it was lovely if my DH wanted to see an ex and catch up.

As for the people who don't even think you should be friends on social media, I find that quite disturbing. That level of insecurity and control must be horrendous to live with.

I checked my ex's page this morning because his wife is due her first baby around now. I'm delighted for them, it's so exciting and something he has wanted for years. I wouldn't touch him again with a barge pole, don't fancy him, have nothing in common, but I want him to be happy.

ScrollingLeaves · 20/11/2025 16:09

I understand your feelings but somehow ‘not allowing it’ might not seem quite right.

It might be best to allow it and keep everything open.

Livelovebehappy · 20/11/2025 16:08

I’d also be a bit hesitant about it, although I might want to be that cool wife who doesn’t sweat it. You could flip it and ask how he’d feel if it was the other way round. Sometimes that puts a bit of perspective out there, and he might decide it’s not a good idea.

YodasHairyButt · 20/11/2025 16:04

SageSorrelSaffron · 20/11/2025 11:35

I get that you would hate for your DH to have a 'date' (it isn't really, is it) in Paris, or presumably anywhere with an ex.

But do you think that is a function of his standards, or of your immaturity. It seems you are jealous of him having a nice time in the company of an ex or presumably any other woman, and want his life to be smaller so that you never have to experience uncomfortable feelings or question the root of your "hate". The problem is all in you, and shouldn't you be prepared to own that you are the jealous insecure one, who isn't even prepared to acknowledge it, never mind address it.

There have been loads of "cool girl" snide comments here, but to offer the flip side. Even if you lock someone up to stop them cheating, you can't control their thoughts. Even if you give a Hard No to them meeting up/messaging/Insta, ultimately if you were secure in yourself, and in your relationship this would be a non-issue; you would be able to acknowledge and talk about your feelings, including the uncomfortable pangs that you wish you could be there too.

Show quote history

Was this directed at me or the OP? Because if it’s at me, you’ve made some pretty wild leaps and assumptions there based on what I said and the fact that you know nothing about me or my circumstances.

Beautifulhaiku · 20/11/2025 15:46

TakeMeDancing · 20/11/2025 10:11

No, I wouldn’t be comfortable with DH going out for a 1:1 with a former flame, but then I’m not a CoolGirl™️.

We all have insecurities. It doesn’t mean you need to criticise people who don’t have the same insecurities as you (i.e. they trust that their partner can hang out with people of the opposite sex without cheating on them). Do you really think people are just pretending to be fine with it to be cool? You don’t believe that there are some people who actually feel like their partner should be free to meet with whoever they like, and trust them not to take it further?

WinterHangingBasket · 20/11/2025 15:36

IvedoneitagainhaventI · 20/11/2025 11:37

@PotolKimchi
If he didn't have feelings for her on some level he wouldn't be following her on Instagram.
And he wouldn't be extending his work trip to meet up with her in order to have an intimate dinner with her.

It is on a weekend in the middle of a 2 week trip. There is no indication of an 'intimate dinner', only have a glass of wine. As for thinking someone must have feelings because you follow them on Instagram, what a poor barometer - do you only follow people you actively dislike?

TempestTost · 20/11/2025 15:22

museumum · 20/11/2025 08:20

I really don’t consider myself a “cool wife” (eg I wouldn’t even have married anyone who would consider going to a strip bar) but I honestly don’t get the hang up about exes. Maybe I’m unusual but I have exes from 20 years ago as social media / Xmas card friends and would meet up without a second thought if we were ever in the same city (hasn’t happened for a decade). They’re exes for a reason. I cannot in a million years imagine cheating with them, you know all their bad points!

Yes, this.

Also, some of my exes I was friendly with their families and such, and would want to catch up about that.

I actually ran into an ex of mine the other day as he was back home on vacation. We chatted for a while, largely about the people we worked with back in the day, who he is more in touch with than I am. It was nice.