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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

234 replies

Reookay · 20/11/2025 00:04

DS is 29, his gf is 25, they have been together for about 6 months and at the weekend I met her for the first time.
She hosted us for dinner, made a lovely meal and she seems nice enough personality wise. She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.
Anyway she smokes, DS has reassured she’s not a chain smoker but will have one or two cigarettes in the evening. Her flat was lovely but she smokes out of her kitchen window which is open plan to the dining and living space, there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.
I told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed, not by her as a person but by the smoking and the scent. They all said it’s cultural (I mean I’m not sure it is I have lots of French friends who don’t smoke, though I do appreciate it is maybe more common in continental Europe than here in the UK), and actually a bit sexy. I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.
I like her as a person, even if I didn’t I’d still be lovely to her as it’s ultimately up to DS who he dates. However it does worry me a little as DS has really bad health anxiety, he’s had to receive therapy for it and I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally?
DS also joked that she can’t go to bed without having a drink, be it a negroni or a glass of wine or something similar. I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy (privately) but he rebutted it’s only one drink, she’s not an alcoholic, she just likes her “personal rituals”.

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

OP posts:
LonelyPotato · 20/11/2025 01:24

Arlanymor · 20/11/2025 00:11

If you read back your post there is judgement on judgement on judgement about her, on many levels. Not just the smoking. Seriously read it back. Her stilted language, her drinking, her smoking, she seems 'nice enough'. Faint praise.

You think it's disgusting and not sexy - you're not dating her. Your son is. Your son who is 29. A full blown adult. You're worrying about his health anxiety even though he's completely fine and enjoying the situation?

You don't like her. You don't think she's a good match. You are thinking of your son and his future family; you don't envisage how she would fit in. Be honest.

First post nailed it

Arlanymor · 20/11/2025 01:23

Outside9 · 20/11/2025 01:17

YANBU. I wouldnt want that for my child's partner.

Its judgemental, but big whoop, we all judge

And that's why YABU. As is the person who made this post.

HelenaWaiting · 20/11/2025 01:19

HeddaGarbled · 20/11/2025 00:19

there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell

I suspect that was psychosomatic.

You're very generous. I suspect it was made up (the unwellness, not the smoking).

Outside9 · 20/11/2025 01:17

YANBU. I wouldnt want that for my child's partner.

Its judgemental, but big whoop, we all judge

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 20/11/2025 01:14

Oh dear. It doesn't look like the thread is going the way you thought it would.

Arlanymor · 20/11/2025 01:09

By the way, I dislike smoking too. But I don't use it as a 'smokescreen' for my obvious dislike of a person.

PussInBin20 · 20/11/2025 01:08

You’re a MIL (or potential) so you’re never going to get unbiased opinions on here. I’d give up on this thread if I were you.

You can’t be a MIL or stepmother on here and ask if YABU as the answer is always Yes! Even if you aren’t actually asking that, you are still unreasonable lol

Lunde · 20/11/2025 01:06

Reookay · 20/11/2025 00:23

Acknowledging that due to someone’s first language not being English meant the conversation didn’t flow as smoothly as If we had all been native English speakers, is not the same as judging her proficiency, it’s merely an observation of the situation.

Show quote history

Tell your DS that in future you can hold dinner discussions in your second or third language

AelinAG · 20/11/2025 01:00

I wish I was a beautiful, intelligent European woman who ended every night with a skinny cigarette hanging out of what I assume is a beautiful, stylish flat and then having a negroni before bed…where I could watch Netflix in three languages….

ive missed the point haven’t I? I think she sounds fab!

Mistyglade · 20/11/2025 00:47

I don’t even know where to start with this. I think you felt out of place around this intelligent and cultured young woman your DS is seeing so have taken to denigrating her because she enjoys a cigarette or 2 in her own home. You sound very uptight and very beige. Perhaps you should seek help with the health anxiety, it’s very unhealthy.

Monty27 · 20/11/2025 00:45

@Reookay you're a bit previous in becoming the mil from hell.
Politely, you could wind your neck in if you want a welcome back.

zazazaaarmm · 20/11/2025 00:39

I think as a parent I would be as concerned by my child's partner smoking the odd cigarette as I would by them having health (or any)anxiety.
I say this as someone who has been a smoker and had significant mental health issues.

Thedogscollar · 20/11/2025 00:38

The only sentence I agree with in your post is the last one. Nothing in your post is reasonable. It is judgemental and yes YABU.

sunkissedandwarm · 20/11/2025 00:33

Smoking is gross but, as long as she's not doing it in my house, not my business.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/11/2025 00:33

VoltaireMittyDream · 20/11/2025 00:21

I wonder where DS got his health anxiety from…

This. Fancy talking about health worries (made up ones) with someone with health anxiety.

She sounds great. And will probably do what I did and give it all up sadly. Let her be young and him be in love with the beautiful interesting person!

cowslick · 20/11/2025 00:31

She sounds like a lot of fun and very sophisticated, bright, and she is his choice.

The smoke made you feel a little unwell, and it is 'repulsive', that's a lot of drama from you. Her flat and her boyfriend. You will push your son away if you don't check your attitude.

Arlanymor · 20/11/2025 00:30

Reookay · 20/11/2025 00:24

Repulsed by the smoking, not the person ffs.

Show quote history

Don't FFS me. You seem repulsed by quite a lot - not just the smoking. You say something horrible about her and then try and 'soften' it, which doesn't forgive the original offence. Your whole post is unkind about her - someone who cooked you a meal and loves your son. She makes him happy. You are unhappy. Why?

So FFS back to you. Idiot.

KayDog · 20/11/2025 00:27

'Obviously it’s none of my business'

And that's it, leave it at that.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 20/11/2025 00:27

Reookay · 20/11/2025 00:23

Acknowledging that due to someone’s first language not being English meant the conversation didn’t flow as smoothly as If we had all been native English speakers, is not the same as judging her proficiency, it’s merely an observation of the situation.

Show quote history

That's not how it comes across though

It comes across very, very judgey

CombatBarbie · 20/11/2025 00:26

But in Europe it is more common to smoke (because its so much cheaper than uk) and fairly common to have a glass of wine in the evening albeit with dinner. Its cultural especially in France, Italy, Spain from what ive seen when travelling/living there.

And I wouldnt be concerned at one glass a day, theres many MNers openly say they have a glass every evening. Its when you finish the bottle every evening thats the problem.

MeatsAndCheesesAlwaysPleases · 20/11/2025 00:25

Smoking is vile, I completely agree. You are, however, being extremely judgmental towards his GF in many many ways. Her language, smoking, having a drink of an evening.. she’s an adult, as is your DS. He’s been with her 6 months, so none of this is a surprise to him, and he’s happy with her; you should be happy that he’s happy.

Much of your post is you making excuses about how judgemental you’re being. Your DS having health anxiety is one of the most ridiculous excuses to be judgemental towards his GF. You need to butt out.

Original poster
Reookay · 20/11/2025 00:24

Arlanymor · 20/11/2025 00:23

"Are people really saying they’ve never met someone and not fallen in love immediately?"

Read back the title of your thread. Nothing do with falling in love immediately. You said REPULSED.

That's a big word.

Repulsed by the smoking, not the person ffs.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 20/11/2025 00:23

"Are people really saying they’ve never met someone and not fallen in love immediately?"

Read back the title of your thread. Nothing do with falling in love immediately. You said REPULSED.

That's a big word.

Original poster
Reookay · 20/11/2025 00:23

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 20/11/2025 00:21

She is Franco-Italian, English is her 3rd language so conversation definitely felt a little forced which I expected.

And

Im not judging her proficiency in English

Don't go together

Acknowledging that due to someone’s first language not being English meant the conversation didn’t flow as smoothly as If we had all been native English speakers, is not the same as judging her proficiency, it’s merely an observation of the situation.

OP posts:
AdjustingVideoFrameRate · 20/11/2025 00:22

I think you’re being a bit precious to say the least. She smokes out of the window, not in the room or over you. And anyway it’s her flat, not yours. You sound determined to find fault with her (eg the comment about her conversation being “forced” because English is her third language - how many languages do you speak OP?)

In short, it’s none of your business.

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