To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

When you are worrying about this micro level of detail, yes you are over involved and intrusive and you need to back out. Things that would be worth worrying about and intervening - abuse, control, manipulation, and maybe (but very light touch) a difference in a major dream/value in each partner eg your ds always wanted kids but the partner doesn't and you want to make sure they are happy to give up on their dream. But tbh even this last one is none of your business. You have to let go of him and let him lead his own life. No wonder he suffers health anxiety - it sounds like you do too.

You’re in danger of becoming an MN MIL trope. You’re not dating her, your son is. Stop questioning him on his GF decisions. It’s like you’re trying to set of his anxiety.

You’re not dating her, so what’s the problem?

I don’t like smoking either but wouldn’t judge someone for choosing to do it out of the window in their own house. It is cultural btw, lots of European countries have far higher smoking rates than the UK. I think it’s slowed down a little in France but is still fairly high compared to us.

You just sound judgemental and like you were trying to pick faults with her. Drinking a glass of wine each day isn’t the end of the world either.

Let's imagine the OP said "AIBU to be repulsed by DS's girlfriend because she loves Trump or Farage". All these oh so tolerant smoking-is-cultural-and-sophisticated people would be falling over themselves with repulsion.

Smoking is gross, but you'll need to put up with it in her flat for the sake of your relationship with your son.

This is what I was thinking!

Your reaction is extreme. I would be much more disgusted with your judgemental opinions than I would by someone smoking.

She invited you round, made the effort to cook, and all you can do is think about her smoking. It doesn’t make you come across nicely.

Agree with this! Plus, this woman hosted you and “cooked you a lovely meal”. Perhaps focus on that?

You’re right it’s none of your business. As long as your son is happy and she’s a nice person that’s all that matters

there was a faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.

told one of my friends about this and said it made me feel a bit repulsed

I just don’t understand how it could ever be viewed as sexy or anything other than a little bit disgusting.

I’m just not sure an actively unhealthy happy will be good for him mentally

I pointed out to him that not being able to go a day without a drink doesn’t sound very healthy

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?

followed by

DS has really bad health anxiety

Do you think it’s possible that your forwardness about habits being unhealthy , disgusting, leave you feeling unwell might have something to do with it?

I think smoking is disgusting. My lovely in-laws smoked heavily for many years and it was difficult when they visited. However, you are trying to stoke up your DS's health anxiety by pointing out ways his gf isn't living a healthy lifestyle. That is even worse than smoking.

As long as she’s not smoking a crack pipe I wouldn’t worry.

She sounds great!

As long as he's happy then you should try to stop being so judgemental

Wow. Your just a tad snooty imo

Gee whiz I wonder where he gets his anxiety.

Your son has HAD therapy for his previous health anxiety. It is in the past, or something that he is aware of, not a label or condition to restrict his life

The fanatical Puritanism of some on MN never fails to astonish and amuse me. Oh no! Somebody has a drink more than once a year (gasp!!) and the odd cigarette (faints!!)

I can see you didn’t warm to her op. If she had been a young English woman you may have shared more in common, and maybe even underneath there is a fear he will stay with her and be whisked away? Given she is not from the U.K. they may choose to live elsewhere?

I detest smoking, but her habits seem totally in line culturally. Continue to be pleasant and welcoming, try and look for the positives and be sure to be entirely kind in front of your son. Let him make his own decisions and choices.

Oh, and as well as all that, I said "I cannot tolerate being around them, at all, but I would never bring it up in real life, as it is their choice and I can easily stay away from them".

So - nope :)

Nope, I absolutely don't. Stated clearly it is others choice and I just stay away from it, also stated OP should not be talking about her perfectly valid feelings to her son. How I feel is how I feel and you don't get to police that.

Nobody is being "condemned" by me discussing on an online forum my absolutely true and honest feelings 😄😆

And not just that but I specifically said it was NOT about the fact that it is unhealthy, it's just grim, gross and disgusting to me and always has been.

You do sound enraged about me being honest about how utterly repulsive I find it though. Projection is real.

I think we all understand by now that smoking is a Bad Idea. But you sound scarily fanatical and furious about it. There’s a bit of a difference between chain smoking and having an occasional cigarette after dinner - especially if you have just been hosting your partner’s rather judgmental mother!
I would not condemn anyone as “grim, gross and utterly disgusting” simply because they indulged an unhealthy habit from time to time.
And I don’t smoke before you ask.

What language she speaks, her proficiency in English and whether the conversation flowed is not relevant at all. Why did you mention it?

You could've just mentioned the smoking in your post but no you had to include comments about her language skills, personality and drinking. These have nothing to do with her smoking. Anyway I smoke and drank at 25. At 46 I no longer do. So give her time.

Passive smoking is dangerous and OP's son will be exposed. Plus, smoking kills your eggs, so she's risking fertility issues. And smokers never lessen the habit, they only smoke more, unless they give it up entirely. I wouldn't be impressed with a child's partner who smokes. It also doesn't speak well of her intelligence. How utterly dim do you have to be to have started as a young person today, when we all know the dangers? As for someone saying it's sexy, yes, lung cancer is the sexiest thing imaginable. 🙄 Maybe I've been living in the US too long. No one smokes here.

ETA: The daily drink isn't great either. Recent years have uncovered just how bad for you alcohol is, and how many cancers it's linked to, even one drink a day.