To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

That’s what I thought.

He has a nit-picky mother who frets over non-events and by her own admission, judges everyone she meets.

I wouldn’t love this either but if she’s a nice person, treats your son well and he’s happy I think you need to keep your reservations to yourself. I think it’s normal to want your child to have a partner that is healthy and looks after themselves. Maybe in some ways her more relaxed attitude could be helping him with his health anxiety a little? Obviously smoking is terrible and too much alcohol not great (though neither in her case sound extreme) but maybe she’s showing him life can be a bit more balanced?

One of my best friends is a smoker and smokes out the window and I do avoid visiting her house as much as possible because of the smell and not wanting to breathe it in. Smokers know that lots of people don’t like it and I think mostly just accept that’s a non-smokers choice to avoid just as it’s their choice to smoke.

Also it has only been 6 months so just take your sons lead with it, enjoy the fact he’s happy right now and is open and wants to share his life and happiness with you, and don’t look to far ahead. Que sera sera.

HER rage. The irony!

😂

Smoking is disgusting; I’m pretty sure my sons would never date a smoker.

You’ll just have to accept it and say nothing.

Your son is 29. His girlfriend cooked you a meal. She seems nice.

You can not approve of her smoking and choose not to visit her in her home again. But it's her choice to smoke. Same as to have a drink every night. Sure there are healthier wind down habits to have but it is her life and choice, barely has any impact on your son and really has no impact on you.

Take a step back, try and be welcoming to her amd get to know her as a person if your son is serious about her. And stop judging her and worrying about your almost 30 year old son as though he was 15.

You need to step back here, your son has Health Anxiety and seems happy with his new relaxed girlfriend, how would he feel if he knew you were starting threads about her and gossiping about bad habits?

On the one hand of course its repulsive and yes its cultural, Im always surprised and amazed when I see young women smoking in France in particular, much higher rates there than in Spain or Italy for example, it comes as a shock. Men I dont see quite as much which surprises me.

But if he isnt bothered by it, thats up to him.

I wouldnt be able to eat in someones house with the smell of fags though.

Poor Sheridan, stuck with an alcoholic fag ash Lil.

Mind your own bloody business. You're trying to taint your son's thoughts about her by whispering about what you see as her flaws. That's a terrible thing to do.

faint scent of cigarette smoke and it made me feel a little unwell.

Nah, you're being too precious. Someone sitting there smoking 40 a day might make you unwell, not this. I don't think you're giving the poor girl a chance and picking up on anything that you can be negative about because you simply don't like her. Luckily it's not you dating her!

I don’t like smoking. I do think you should just MYOB.

This is a very important stage of parenting and how you handle it will affect the rest of your life. You need to get very clear on the fact that you no longer control your child, and have very little influence. Your advice is not wanted.

In law relationships are very challenging because you’re thrown together with someone you don’t know, may not particularly like, and have to behave as if they’re family, while adjusting to the loss of your own little family dynamic.

You have no idea if this woman will disappear out of his life next week, or if she will be the mother of your gc, the love of his life, and the person who will sit beside you at his funeral, or beside him at yours.

Her drinking and smoking would worry me op and I’m not unsympathetic because I am viscerally repulsed by smoking. But this may be how he is unconsciously addressing his own health anxiety. And you would be wise to take the opportunity for personal growth too.

I’m saying this with more kindness than might come across because this is one of the hardest phases of parenting but it’s not the last phase and being kind and accepting of his choices, confirms his independence and helps him grow into manhood. Trust him to make the right choices for himself. They won’t be the same choices you’d have made for him but that’s the point of personal growth.

You are intrusive and over involved. Your son is nearly 30. You were invited to someone else’s home as a guest and think you’re entitled to judge and pick apart the host.

I suspect you are intimidated by someone who is young and has your son’s attention. How many languages do you speak OP? I hope it is more than 3 while you look down your nose. You are the one who is repulsive I am afraid - and to post this shows you have absolutely no self awareness so you deserve such a harsh response from everyone.

YANBU. Smoking is disgusting, and I would be upset if either of my kids ended up with a smoker. People on here will disagree with you just for the sake of it. In reality no one would be happy in your situation.

That’s unfair. I am a MIL. I haven’t always gelled with DS partners but OP sounds like “this woman isn’t good enough for my little soldier”.

Take a step back and chill out OP. And whatever you do, don’t say anything negative about her to DS.

Why do you need others to validate your feelings? You feel what you feel, they are feelings, you are generating them yourselves, they don’t mean anything.

its also irrelevant what you feel as it’s nothing to do with you.

I also hate smoking but find you post to be littered with judgment and snobbery. Ostensibly it’s about smoking but it then goes onto a litany of uncharitable observations about her English, her drinking habits etc.

I think you need to separate out the figleaf about smoking and be honest about your real motivation which is that you irrationally dislike her.

You can’t help how you feel but I would urge you to do your best not to pass this to your son under the guise of “health concern”. He will see through this a mile off and you risk damaging your relationship.

I'd be mildly disappointed if either of my DDs got with someone who smoked (or vaped), but repulsed? Not if it was only one or two a day. If they chain smoked though, that'd be different.

Also, if her standing at the kitchen window blowing her smoke out said window made you feel unwell then maybe you need to get your own health checked. You sound very dramatic OP.

Be careful, OP. She's done nothing but be welcoming to you and your response is a tirade on MN. Carry on like this and you'll either drive her away, which will be sad for DS. Or you'll drive them both away, which will be sad for DS and you.
And while you're at it, talk to someone about your own health anxiety. It's pretty extreme.

I hate smoking, but that’s my issue.

You felt sick? But it’s your son with health anxiety?

Your post is full of judgement, one drink a night is not an issue.

What could her parents criticise your son for? His health anxiety? That’s not good is it? How would it make you feel if they did that?

A lot of people do these sorts of things in their 20s, and are done with it by their 30s. Especially women after pregnancy. I agree you are coming across as very judgmental which isn’t great for your wellbeing either. It might be helpful for you, and your relationship with your son, to try to practice a bit more detachment.

Repulsed is such a strong word. And yes you attributing it to her. I don’t know if you’ve seen the series The Girlfriend on Amazon but you are giving those vibes (the overbearing mother). Mind your own business and stop being so judgemental. Your post reeks of ‘this woman is not good enough for my son’ however nicely you try to dress it up.

Oh it's another one of these! OP: am I being unreasonable? Everyone: yes! OP: No I'm not, youre all misunderstanding me.

Surprised her armpits and poss hair weren't mentioned because you know, those foreign women are different to us.

This. What a judgement load of nonsense.