To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

I do think the OP sounds judgemental, so I’ve voted YABU, despite not liking smoking myself. OTOH, she’s expressing it on here and not to her DS and his GF. A lot of people vent on AIBU. As long as she keeps her feelings to herself when with them, then she might be able to avoid falling out with her DS about it.

Sadly, as she feels this strongly about it, I think it will be hard for her to hide her distaste and she’ll end up saying something about it. My DM certainly can’t stop herself from speaking her mind.

Be careful, OP.

After your saying you were ‘repulsed’ I thought you were going to say she was picking her nose and eating it, doing noisy smelly farts, etc.
To use the R word about a couple of fags does smack of OTT health anxiety, not to mention unhinged, I’m afraid.

I don't mind the smell of cigars or roll ups, but the chemical smell in commercial cigarettes does make me gag, its foul.

There’s some seriously colossal projection going on here.

This^ is such a wise post.

Op I think you are being far too overly negative towards your son’s gf.

For example, why focus on conversation being stilted when you could have framed it that she has an amazing gift for languages? To speak three is very impressive!

And that at twenty-five to have a nice flat and serve a lovely meal is pretty good going? I know plenty of 25 year old’s who are still living at home, being cooked for!

First, it’s not your choice. You don’t get to have an opinion about this.

And second, imho, this is just the sort of person your son should be going out with!

Someone who doesn’t have health anxiety, someone who takes a few risks, lives life a little!

When it comes to couples, opposites often attract, and it’s a good thing, because they balance one another out.

Someone in my family is quite anxious, and they went on to marry another quite perfectionist, quite rigidly rules based, anxious person, and together they have raised a very anxious child who is now a very anxious adult. The couple also have lots of good qualities too but it’s not the ideal scenario shall we say because they each confirm one another’s worries all of the time,

Each to their own, but if they had married someone a little more relaxed, who encouraged them to live a little, who took a few risks, who broke a few minor rules (within reason) who didn’t confirm their worries and heap on more anxiety, then the outcome may have been a little different? Who knows?

As the pp said, you need to tread very, very carefully here as you are in danger of damaging your relationship with your son if you don’t trust him to make his own decisions about relationships.

And you know why some children get anxious in the first place? Because their parents are anxious and point out all the pitfalls about doing something, and worry and stress about the decisions they make to the extent that the child gets the message that they are not capable of thinking and acting for themselves,

I am not saying that you are responsible for your son’s anxiety op, but your opening post is full of worries for the future! I think it’s possible that you may not feel on the same page as this young woman as she is very different to you and you find that uncomfortable and challenging. And that is ok. We don’t have to immediately like everyone we meet. But the point is, she is not going out with you! This is all about your son and his choices.

I know you are genuinely worried for your son, And this anxiety comes from a place of love. But op he is nearly thirty years old! He is a grown man!

As mentioned by the op, I think it would be wise to take some time, think about it, step back a bit emotionally, adjust your expectations, hold your own counsel, don’t offer unsolicited advice or opinions and maybe reframe all of this in your head.

Also, I hope your son’s gf doesn’t read Mumsnet, as you have been quite specific!

Good luck!

I'm repulsed by people smoking and the smell has always made me feel ill, no matter how faint. I'd never be able to date someone who smokes.

So I understand your feelings. However, it's your ds who's dating the woman so, like you said, not really your business. You can judge (I would, smokers literally stink) but it's definitely not your place to actually say anything.

Keep quiet and secretly hope this woman decides to quit someday.

Oh give it a rest 🤣

Most people don’t ‘gag’ at the faint whiff of cigarette smoke.

Yes, I thought this too.

(Great user name btw @AelinAG!)

second hand smoke kills

She sounds quite a catch- your son is probably attracted to her exoticness and independent spirit.

I smoked when I was 25- I def preferred it to my Bf (now husband 😁) and would’ve happily dumped him and his ma before the fags. I couldn’t have cared less what some old woman* thought of my habits. I wasn’t very interested in my BFs parents when I was 25

*that would’ve been my attitude at 25, for sure.

Well yes because I would think someone who ‘loves’ a misogynist bully and sex offender like Trump was an absolute arsehole with a completely different set of values and morals to me, whereas I wouldn’t make a moral judgement on someone based on them smoking, even as a non smoker myself.

The issue many of us recognise but you are resusting is that your choice of words and phrases do reveal an underlying judgmentalism about her. You need to police that in yourself and make positive efforts to get on with her or eventually, ifvthey start a family, you won’t be part of it (deservedly, frankly). Unless you yourself are utterly perfect with never a bad habit?

Well done you OP for describing the smell of cigarettes as a " scent". I would describe it as an obnoxious stink.

I 'm afraid imo cigarettes smokers are selfish people who put the health of others at risk as well as their own. And far from it being glamorous it is a filthy habit. I also question the intelligence of anyone in these enlightened times who takes up smoking given all the well known health risks, the addictive quality, and the expense of smoking

But. Having said all that if your son is willing to put up with all the downsides of smoking then it really is none of your business. They are adults. Her choice to smoke. His choice to put up with her smoking.

OP, you need to get a grip of yourself quickly, because you do sound very judgy. My MIL is judgy - a real queen of damning with faint praise. After years of trying to get along with her I gave up and left the contact with DH. He takes our DS to see her once or twice a year - he could take them anytime but is a bit lazy but I don’t stop him. Basically, if you don’t make real efforts to like your DIL eventually you won’t be part of their family. Think of that.

Well that’s lovely. The smell of smoke on people is worse than BO I’m afraid. It is really repulsive and most people’s response is to gag. There’s nothing judgemental about it, it’s just stating fact. If you smoke, you smell in a way the vast majority of people find unpleasant.

I don't think you have anything to worry about. Your fretting is uncalled for.

OPs disappeared. Obviously gone out for a fag.

I personally don't like smoking and couldn't go out with a smoker.

I don't go around calling it repulsive or spewing the kind of judgmental rage a few posters on this thread have come out with. That's much less pleasant behaviour than smoking.

My son's last girlfriend didn't smoke or drink. She was also very moody and I didn't like her much. (I never said so though.) His current girlfriend does occasionally smoke and will have a drink. She's lovely and I'm glad they're moving in together.

YANU to be repulsed by smoking. Smokers stink. Their clothes stink, their homes stink, even getting in the lift after a smoker has been in it after their gag break stinks.

if the relationship progressed and they had a baby, unless she quit she would be endangering your grandchild.

My mum smoked, both my brother and I have serious lung issues.

Having to have drink before bed every night is worrying too.

She's young. She's living in a country where smoking is increasingly difficult and judged, with heavy health messaging, and with a non smoker. I suspect she may be an ex smoker before too long. And very probably before any GC arrive. Don't with another word let this show again to your son or to her. Because your early attitudes towards her are likely to leave a smell in the air that lingers longer than the smoke.

I agree. I hate boring and judgemental people.
Im an ex smoker but I do have the occasional fag with an alcoholic drink and I would be round her flat like a shot 😆

Yep 85% of voters are definitely just disagreeing for the sake of it. Don’t be so silly.

One piece of advice - do not, under any circumstances, voice these judgements to your son. You will alienate him. You will lose him.