To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

I think judging everyone you meet is a massive red flag. Why would you do that? Are you very insecure?

It is reasonable as a mother to have certain standards that you might like your children’s future spouses to meet

Lol, sorry but 😁

AIBU to find her smoking repulsive and think her habits are quite unhealthy?
Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

It's perfectly reasonable to not like smoking, even be disgusted by the smell, I'm sure a lot of people would agree. However, most people wouldn't start a thread on social media about it. That alone shows these feelings go deeper than being a bit put off by the smell of smoke. Your entire post is littered with subtle micro-aggressions towards this women. I'd have a good think about what this is really about.

Are you the perfect weight? Exercise 3/4 times a week? Avoid UPFs/ sugar/ salt? We all have some bad habits OP. Obviously smoking and having a glass of wine every day isn’t great but none of us are perfect and we all have bad habits. If someone came on here to say they were repulsed by someone being overweight they would be rightfully hauled over the coals. It’s none of your business, you don’t have to kiss her and sleep with her, your son seems happy to, so stay out of it!

Smoking and having a drink in the evening, is likely something that she's grown up seeing her parents do, and therefore does the same. So yes, some of it could be cultural. Many Europeans smoke, it's just something they do, probably made easier as cigarettes are usually cheaper than here in the UK. I don't like smoking, I have damage to my lungs due to Septicemia, and being in or around smoke makes me cough for days afterwards. However, she's smoking out the kitchen window, in her own home, you don't have any say over that. It's her body and her choice to smoke - she may change her mind in the future, when she sees how much smoking ages the skin. Your son appears happy in the relationship and that, at the end of the day, is all that matters.

In fairness, as a smoker I’d have moved away from the group entirely and gone outside fully.

I do smoke, fairly heavily, and this house is my home. I still smoke outside, and if we had company I’d move away from them too.

Yes it’s cold, and it’s not convenient etc, but it’s also my own decision to smoke and I don’t believe it’s fair to force it on others. I’d certainly never do it in an enclosed space, even out of a window. In public I either go to a designated area, move away from other people as best I can, or don’t do it.

I don’t however accept any reminders or lectures about the obvious health disadvantages, because I’m not an idiot and I know them. My view is that if I’m not engaging you in my clearly rubbish health choices, I’m also not happy to accept criticism for them. My body, etc.

What do you want people to say? She’s a casual smoker and has a drink before bed. Clearly you wouldn’t date her yourself but you’re not being asked to.

OP, my lovely youngest daughter was with a man who smacked his lips as he ate. He'd eat with his mouth open and make the most disgusting mouth-smacking noises as he chewed and it was HORRIBLE.

But because she loved him I put up with it. Family dinners with everyone round were dreadful because we all knew what he was doing and nobody could say anything and we'd all try to avoid one another's eyes. Nobody brought it up with her either, because she obviously knew, but if someone has eaten that way all their life then all an in-law's family pointing it out is going to do is alienate them.

So we lived through it for all the years they were together. He was a lovely lad, he'd just never learned table manners and when they split up we all breathed a sigh of relief. But, crucially, nobody said a word about his eating either while they were together or afterwards. It wasn't up to us.

@Reookay with all due respect it doesn’t matter what you think, you aren’t the one who is dating her.

She is an adult and can drink and smoke as she pleases. If she were puffing the smoke in your face and vomiting over you after having a drink then I could understand your point.

If you want your son in your life then please keep your thoughts to yourself.

I assume you had some time to consider how you would phrase your OP here, and yet what you came up with makes you sound horribly judgmental and unsupportive.
You also appear to not mind triggering your son’s health anxiety by pointing out what you see as ‘issues’ even when he is unbothered!

If this is the best you could do with time to think about it, I’d avoid any substantive conversations with your DS about his girlfriend, as you are likely to drive him away.
You need to wind your neck in and try a little kindness to the new woman in your son’s life.
Think what you like, but keep your mouth shut.

YANBU to be repulsed by smoking but your entire post is full of judgement.

If this was my future MiL i too would be escaping to the kitchen for a quick fag and strong alcoholic drink!

I would prefer to walk along the road behind someone smoking a fag than someone smoking weed. Too many people seem to think weed smoking is not a problem, yet cigarette smokers are castigated at every turn

I don’t understand why people say or even think this (not you specifically ivy loads of people have said the same)

you judging someone is alll about you. It doesn’t impact anyone else and isn’t important to anyone else. It’s your own brain finding comfort in discomfort and differences you can’t relate to.

It’s a way of controlling the uncontrollable by thinking. Why do you say it like it’s a source of pride?

well I judge SO THERE. It’s so challenging and obstinate, over something no one else cares about. Do you think people who are judged by you are going to cry, repent and change their ways, maybe beg for forgiveness? The whole thing is so weird I think.

I wouldn’t want to date a smoker (I didn’t date dh when we first met as he smoked) but I’ve I had the choice of dating with a smoker and dating with someone with health anxiety I would choose the smoker every time. I could not on any level get wound up about someone having one alcoholic drink a day. If the smoking bothers your ds it’s up to him to end it but it sounds like he’s fine with it.

My advice to your son for his health anxiety would be to stay with the GF and go NC with you.

I judge anyone for smoking. So shoot me.

Both my parents were heavy smokers and it killed them.

Tbh I'd rather smoking than vaping in a weird way. I think on the continent people still smoke, and I think unfortunately it's on the rise here again because of vaping. But she's young and she is allowed to have some bad habits. I was that age in the 90s and believe me we were doing a lot worse! It in her own home and barely affecting anyone apart from her and perhaps a bit more of a relaxed attitude is good for your son rather than you stressing about a couple of fags and drinks.

You should have ended it “obviously it’s none of my business”

because, obviously, it’s not. You’re being very judgemental and unpleasant. But, like you said, even if repulsed you would out a brave face on for your son. Except for asking him if he thought she was alcoholic, of course.

Obviously it’s none of my business but just trying to figure out if my feelings towards it are even reasonable.

Nope, they're not. HTH.

Brilliant! And absolutely spot on.

Totally agree
Health anxiety fgs
you actually sound a very backstabbing person

Why don’t you talk to her about it? Explain that at the moment, she is not quite good enough for your precious son, but if she were to give up her repulsive foreign ways and improve her English, you would consider liking her?
Perhaps tell her in a very loud voice so she understands.
Bonne chance!

Agreed!

One of the oldest stories in the world: mother does not like son's choice of partner. There is nothing you can do about it except accept his choice. He is young enough that it may not last.