To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

Her home, her rules. If you don’t like it……..don’t visit! Simple.

I’ve been to Italy/Sicily quite a few times over the last year or so and a couple of cigarettes after a meal and an apéritif/digestif (which negroni is, rather like a thimble full of Limoncello is drunk after meals - they are supposed to aid digestion and clear the palate) is totally part of the post-dining culture.

I am seriously not a fan of smoking - like other PPs here my mother was a chainsmoker and abusive, so I find the smell quite triggering. I have never smoked, discouraged my DCs from it (they confess they have tried it nonetheless) and wouldn’t date my DH until he gave it up. It smells vile and is not allowed in my home or even in my garden. But it is not my place to comment on other people’s lifestyle choices or what they choose to do in their own homes. It isn’t yours, either, and to take umbrage really makes you a very discourteous guest - which many people find more offensive and disgusting than smoking.

At the risk of adding to the pile on of the OP, I think that there is more underlying this than your general disgust at smoking. I cannot quite work out whether you actually have an issue with her foreignness (the comments about her language fluency, the inability to accommodate the fact that culturally she has different customs, etc) or whether you are somehow over-enmeshed with your DS and really don’t want to see him with a GF who may potentially become a wife.

Either way, I’d suggest you do a little soul searching.

I mean, you're not unreasonable to have feelings about repulsion. If that is how you feel, you can't help it. You are also not unreasonable to think it is unhealthy, cause it is.

But nothing you can and should do about it. Unless she tries to smoke inside your house. You can have your thought privately, if you want to have your son and his gf in your life, you need to work on those feelings cause repulsion is very hard to hide.

Thay being said, repulsed is a big word. I don't have strong feelings about smoking and I do think people tend to be over the top with their anti-smoking. However, I don't understand people who smoke inside but if it is something that bothers me, i can decide not to visit.

See, it's actually irrelevant whether you have fallen in love with her because she's not actually your girlfriend. Respect your son's choice.

Literally nobody is saying they've never met somebody and not fallen in love with them instantly.

Your job as his mother isn't to fall in love immediately with his girlfriends, and his girlfriends' jobs aren't to make you fall in love instantly with them either.

Your job is to be polite and respectful to her, and to for the most part stay out of his decisions and let him work out his own life choices.

Did you like everybody in your life the first time you met them, or did it take a little while with some people?

YANBU to dislike being in a house where a smoker smokes out of the window (I can always smell it), but YAB a bit U to come to mumsnet and post about being repulsed by it.

Leave them alone

Yep, I definitely interpret descriptions like "obstinate" and "weird" as negative judgement.

Repulsive?! Mass genocide, CSA, axe murder...those are repulsive.

Smoking is just an unhealthy personal habit. How old are you? If you're 45 plus you must remember when everyone smoked everywhere?

It's one person choosing to smoke out of the window of their own house. I very much doubt she'd smoke at your home. People go outside.

For god’s sake OP, you seriously need to unclench. It’s a couple of fags and a negroni a day, she’s not shooting up smack.

I disagree. I think you’re taking observations as judgement with no evidence to do so and you’re interpreting questions and curiosity as negative judgment.

But as above, that poster is asking whether the OP is insecure, not judging her for being so (at least as far as we can tell from the post)

judging people is normal and protective. But you know that’s binary, that too much insignificant, unimportant judging is toxic. You can’t compare the judgement you make to keep you safe (that person is behaving a bit strangely I’ll keep my distance) to “that person smokes it’s nothing to do with me but I’m REVOLTED” which is clearly at the toxic end

OP, I can’t stand the smell of cigarette smoke, and some might find it a strong word but I really do think smoking is disgusting - and don’t even get me started on vaping.

Your son is an adult, so there’s not much you can say to him regarding his girlfriends habits.
my own child had a brief stint in hospital with an illness and was specifically told that smoking would be a higher risk going forwards for her, and that included passive smoking, so if I found myself in your position I would remind her of that, but then have to back off.

the only way to deal with this without causing an upset would be to host at your house rather than go to them, and if the situation ever arose make it clear that you don’t allow smoking in your home - next to a window or not.

the drink before bed is probably just habit. I can’t sleep without a tea before bed, regardless of time.

Your son obviously finds it sexy! 😂

Read this back to yourself tomorrow, have a quiet lil cringe to yourself and resolve to meddle less.

I hate smoking, I think it's gross. It's why I don't do it. It's why I wouldn't date someone who did. The fact your son has health anxiety and is in love with someone who enjoys the odd cigarette and glass of wine is a positive sign, no? It means his anxiety isn't controlling his life!

I think you should apologise for implying his partner is an alcoholic too. That was over the line.

I'd say it's the very definition of judging. The PP you first quoted had written "I judge anyone for smoking. So shoot me. Both my parents were heavy smokers and it killed them."

In response you said that attitude was "obstinate", "controlling" and "weird". You have definitely formed a judgement about that poster.

Like I said, judging is normal. We all make judgements based on what others say, deciding if someone is kind or cruel or helpful or mean or funny or boring... It's human nature.

Her habits arent healthy. I can imagine my adult son would find a gf smoking out if the window very off putting. It’s very stinky isn’t it. I wouldn’t like it either. Maybe the novelty will wear off for your son. I hope he doesn't start joining in.

Two cigarettes and one negroni a day honestly wouldn't bother me. Is DS genuinely happy with her? Does she really love DS? That's what I would focus on.

Aren't you judging the OP yourself by thinking the she's insecure?

I think not judging people is a problem that will probably lead someone into many bad friendships/relationships.

Imo it's perfectly normal to judge the people around us. It's how we decide who we want to get to know better and who we want to steer clear of.

I made judgements about my in-laws when I met them. They're generally lovely, thankfully, but I do think my MIL is a bit oblivious to other people's feelings. She went on and on about her recovery from cancer when she knew my own parents died from the disease, one very recently.

So yes, I have made a judgement based on her behaviour. Now I'm prepared if she does something similar again (the first time it made me cry and I had to hide in the bathroom to get a hold of myself).

Wow. I have a son and in your position I'd just be so utterly thrilled he and his girlfriend wanted to include me in his life, host me and cook for me at their home - I can't believe your level of judgement. I dislike smoking too but they are young and if that and the odd negroni are the worst thing about her and her son seems happy then thank your lucky stars they've found each other. And honestly, being snooty about her English when it's her THIRD language - I have no words. She sounds clever, educated and generous to host you and I'd say that rejecting her kindness early on in this way is a seriously dangerous road to head down.

It's none of your business.
It's your son's choice.
She smokes out of the window so it's not like she sat down on the sofa and lit up in front of you.
You know your son has health anxiety (I wonder why), so you shouldn't mention things like the gf smoking and having a glass of wine each night, as this could feed in to the health anxiety and make it worse.
He's obviously fine with it, despite his health anxiety, so do not mention it again.

I'm actually shocked at how puritanical the British are based on this thread.

If people in "tomato Europe" say ever heard this - smoking referred to as disgusting/repulsive/grim, they would scratch their heads at the British....

And the smell being referred to as worse than BO 😬 - doesn't exactly stack up given that people don't mind it so over there, and people generally didn't here either while it wasn't socially unacceptable. While BO universally is (to various extents 😬).

I think you need to get a grip

That is not judging. You can observe behaviour and be curious about it without judging. You can even name and label behavior. That is not the same as judging.

I don't understand all these posters complaining about OP or others being judgemental when clearly in the middle of being judgemental themselves. They're judging the OP right back and you yourself are clearly judging the PP, calling her 'obstinate'.

Judging is normal, we all do it. We make judgements based on appearance, actions, beliefs etc. You are making a judgement based on what the PP wrote. In return I'm judging you for not even offering token sympathy for the fact that her parents died.

You'll probably now judge me in return. It's just a part of human interaction. We form judgements to keep ourselves safe, to decide who we want to be friends with, to decide who we want to date etc. It's not a character flaw to do it, it's being human.

Please stop with the judginess about drinking. It's perfectly fine to enjoy a glass of wine a day. No lectures please as they're very tiresome. MYOB.

It's absolutely fine to be disgusted by someone who smokes at home and around food and to be worried about someone who has to have an alcoholic drink every night. It's not sophisticated - in fact, for a 25 year old, it's generationally unusual and rather old fashioned. They are mostly health nuts these days!