To feel repulsed by sons girlfriend smoking

Are people really saying they’ve never met someone and not fallen in love immediately?

Oh it definitely takes me a while to warm to the majority of people. However, I think you should be keeping your mouth shut when it comes to the partners of your adult children. What a great way to push them away.

If my Mum criticised any of my partners upon first meeting I certainly would not have taken it well.

How have you reacted to your son’s other girlfriends? I think you need to bear in mind that it’s possible that this girl you find so ‘repulsive’ could become the gatekeeper between you and future grandchildren. Probs best to keep things cordial ie keep your judgements to yourself

One drink a day makes her an alcoholic?!?!?!

Also she is young, I smoked quite heavily until 27 (living in southern Italy) but haven't since.

Are you intimidated by her intelligence or jealous of your son's adoration of her?

I agree, you don't have to fall in love with her, or even think she's all that, just be happy for your son. I am mildly fond of one of my daughter's boyfriends, but certainly not mad for him, and my loyalty and interest is always with my child and their welfare.

She's young, she's from a culture where this is normal, certainly a lot of the continental girls (French, Italian, some Spanish) smoke occasionally in their youth. A few of my colleagues from those regions still smoke. She will most likely give up over the years.

It's lovely of them to invite you over so try to focus on that.

Good thing you’re not dating her then. Your son is. It’s absolutely none of your business and she couldn’t give tuppence for your irrelevant opinion anyway.

This!!

I wondered if the son’s health anxiety was caused by an overbearing mother.

I echo all these comments. The "falling in love with" a son's girlfriend is daft and reminds me of when my mother was upset that my younger brother broke up with a girlfriend (brother was 25 and a soldier, deployed abroad a lot), saying "I'd got to really like her - I'm going to tell him not to bring any more girlfriends home, you just get used to them and then he breaks up with them>"

I gently told her that he wasn't obliged to keep seeing someone just because she (mum) might be upset if he didn't and that his choices were nothing to do with her.

Lungs and liver probably don’t care about different relationships, but I would mind my own business and just let them get on with it. It wouldn't affect my liking her.

Try and separate your views of her from views about her habit.

She's been lured into a bad habit that is expensive and addictive by forces bigger than herself. Giving up is really difficult (but having done it. not as impossible as people lead you to believe). In some ways she's a victim - a perfectly adjusted person probably wouldn't have fallen into that trap.

Maybe avoid going to her flat if you can't bear the smell.

You’ll just have to leave them to it. If she’s st your house then no smoking indoors or out of windows. Outside only. My son smokes (and vapes) and his gf vapes. I wish they wouldn’t but it fall on deaf ears.

You are very judgemental. News for you, smoking is sexy - sorry. I used to prefer men who smoked a pipe. You don't like your DS's GF for whatever reason. The smoking and the nightcap are just excuses. Leave them alone.

I think you should keep your thoughts to yourself. It's your son's life, not yours. She sounds magnificent and he's happy, that's enough isn't it?

Haha I was about to post the exact same thing! She sounds amazing! No wonder your son has fallen for her.
i’m more a cuppa and digestive before bed kinda gal but this sounds completely normal for my French/Italian friends. They have a much different relationship with alcohol (and smoking) than we Brits do.

Her body, her lungs, her flat, her life. Nothing to do with you. Personally I would never sit in judgment on anyone who smokes.

I loathe smoking. I struggled to talk to someone the other day because their clothes stank so strongly of smoke I wanted to back away. I struggle to respect people who choose to have such a repulsive habit. My sibling used to smoke out of the window and their room still reeked.

But ultimately it's not your relationship. The most you could do I think is politely request she doesn't smoke when you visit, but of course it's her home so up to her.

Then don't YOU date her. If your son is content, its not your business.

It is weird that you have started a whole thread on this rather than going 'So glad my son is happy, she is an amazing girl. Shame she smokes though' in your head and moving on. If this was YOUR new relationship, I would get it. But it's your son's, so this thread is really bizarre.

YABU.

None of your business! I sympathise that you felt unwell and probably a bit uncomfortable but beyond that, you have no place to judge her choice to smoke if your son doesn’t.
I genuinely think being on Mumsnet/many other social media’s, seeing all the hyper-judgmental posts makes a lot of people actively search for criticism….
I used to be a smoker and it really, really is very difficult to quit but regardless, that’s her business. Just be happy for your son.

K

Well to be fair it's also perfectly legal to pick your nose but many people would still be repulsed by it.

But I agree it's definitely not the OP's place to say anything to either her DS or the girlfriend.

Could your sons health anxiety have been caused by your own anxieties around this? Your reaction to someone else you don't even live with drinking a negroni and having two cigarettes a day seems very extreme.

Good lord.

That's sadly true.

Loads of my family smoke.
I don't smoke , my mum hates it. My dad and my DH smoke. I can't imagine being utterly repulsed and disgusted by it tbh.
It's not healthy, of course. But not really any of your business. It's perfectly legal to smoke.

You need to re-do this thread but say you are worried about your son's girlfriend being fat because of the effect on her health. You'd then get the responses you want!