Marriage

Well cant speak for anyone else but not for one second have I felt the need to spy or track my husband

Yes my marriage is like this. I could snoop on his phone or laptop if I wanted but I know there’s no need and I wouldn’t find anything suspicious.

I am sorry if you’ve experienced anything different.

It breaks my heart that you have even questioned if this is possible.

It’s not just possible it’s the bare minimum in a marriage. You should be able to trust your partner and have mutual respect and love as the basics of your relationship.

I would never think twice about my partner speaking to anyone of the opposite sex or ever think to look at his phone because I know how strong our bond is and we openly communicate about how we feel about each other including our respect and love for each other.

Of course it’s possible. The best decision I ever made was to marry my husband, and I’m a better person because of him. He’s the kindest and best of men, has very strong moral values and he never, ever lies. I trust him absolutely. I trust his judgment more than mine; I panic in a crisis, but he’s a rock, calm and collected. I’ve been incredibly lucky.

Of course it is possible. I feel very fortunate to be in one of those marriages. My husband and I are very transparent with each other. Nothing is secret, phones left unlocked, share finances with each other etc. If we go away for work or with friends we just say have a good time and trust each other explicitly

It’s possible, I have met up with old friends today, another couple. They have been togetehr for 35 years and we have been together for almost 30 years. No cheating or flirting or worrying if any sort. I have friends who have divorced but a cheating husband featured in only 1 of the 4 marriage break ups.

What does any of this have to do with what I wrote?

And there is quite some variability in birth rates across what is a vast region comprised of multiple countries.

It’s like discussing the “Asian birthrate” and putting Japan, Pakistan, Vietnam, China, India etc in the same bucket.

I have said you are not unreasonable to want this. I’m sorry you haven’t seen or experienced it. I think it is actually quite normal. I’d say that although all marriages have their problems at times, no marriage in my wider family has involved the sort of unfaithful behaviour you mention. There has only been one divorce and that was a cousin who was in an emotionally controlling relationship.

My marriage is far from perfect but trust dh and feel safe in my marriage.

But Africa still has the highest birth rate in the world. In parts of sub-Saharan Africa, the average is six kids per woman. In fact, the African population is going to double (just as climate change is causing chaos).

Men have always tried to control women. And the best way to do so is to deny them an education, marry them young, and keep them pregnant. That way they are vulnerable and dependent. I'd love to see the African birth rate drop, not just for the sake of the planet, but for African women themselves. When a woman in rural Africa has six children, she has no chance of educating herself or pursuing a career.

I'd say around a third of marriages are solid and loving and tight, with very little danger of betrayal. But the majority are not like that. Marriage is hard – really, really hard. When you think about it, living with a complete stranger in a small brick box for years on end is so unnatural. Frankly, it's a miracle anyone manages it. We weren't built for it. 42% of marriages in the UK end in divorce, and of the remaining 58%, probably half stay together for the kids. A lot stick together out of fear. I'm in my 50s now, and of all my old school friends, only one is still happily married. The rest are either divorced or enduring a miserable marriage with a man they dislike. The happiest person I know is childfree and has never had a boyfriend.

I so pity women in places like rural Africa. God knows how many intelligent African women, who could have pursued interesting careers, are pressured into marriage and endless pregnancy and never get to fulfil themselves.

You definitely are seeking the wrong type of partner

There is quite some diversity in various African cultures. Even regarding marriage.

I've been married for 22 years. Dh has never given me the slightest reason to be suspicious or worried about his behaviour (towards other women or in general). I have never given him any reason to be suspicious of me either! This just seems normal to me though.

Tbh when I read your initial question about happiness in a marriage, my first thoughts were about getting on well, sharing the domestic load, matched or mismatched sex drive, enjoying spending time together etc. Those are the kinds of things that make a marriage actively happy. Whereas a lack of infidelity and secretiveness are just basic, non-negotiable expectations imo.

I think think truly happy marriages exist and they are many. Although what defines them might not be the same for everyone. Some feel happy and secure in relationships where flirting and maybe more is acceptable. Define what it means for you.
Be clear what you need to feel safe and dont settle for a partner you dont feel safe with.
I totally disagree with 'thats what men do' or whatever women should do. That would require me, an African wife, to be more domesticated than I ever care to be.
DO YOU, and find someone who can match your rhythm even if it differs from the 'happy' others see.

OP, why do you think marriage vows are as they are?

You realise the bar you’ve set here for a ‘truly happy’ marriage - being able to trust that your spouse is not lying, cheating or coming onto other women - is actually very low! That’s the absolute least I’d expect in a barely satisfactory marriage!

No relationship is perfect despite what people claim, this is because no one and nothing in life is perfect. HOWEVER, imperfect doesn’t mean shit. Of course you can have relationships where you don’t feel unsafe or walked over, or taken advantage of, or worried you are going to be cheated on every two seconds. It’s crazy you think differently.

A poster above said about it being the people you’re surrounded by. If you surround yourself with sleaze you will expect sleaze or will set your bar far too low. Then you attract the sleaze, or set the bar at “least sleazy of the sleazy bunch” then guess what? Unhappy, unhealthy relationships. Surround yourself with role models and seek out a partner who is also surrounded by the kind of marriages you wish to see. I’ve always said you can tell a lot about someone by the company they keep.

Is it ever truly possible to be completely happy in a marriage — I mean a marriage where there’s no flirting to a point of exchanging texts, cheating, secrecy, or any of that? A relationship where you never have to worry about what your husband is doing on his phone, where everything feels open and transparent?

Yes, of course. That's pretty much how all my friends' marriages are, and my relationship with my DP is like that too.

It does. Doesn’t mean everything is perfect though - there can be all sorts of worries outside of basic fidelity.

😱 I do think there is such a thing as too much information.

My marriage is good, as are t he marriages of all the people I know, but growing up Dad cheated on Mum and there were a lot of sleazy dishonest men in the crowds they ran with. I think the problem is, if you're surrounded by it then the real thing must seem like a fairy tale.

I think it is possible although unfortunately all of my relationships have included the behaviours you describe.

I live in hope of better though!