How to deal with unkind behaviour in Reception class

The best advice I can honestly give is to sign him up for some form of martial arts. Boys are very physical with each other and if he shows any sign of weakness (like not wanting his coat messed with) they will zero in on it.
If he can stick with a martial arts class he will gain confidence being part of the normal boys push and shove.
This is unlikely to be the only incident he comes across at school and the above is the only long term answer.

Play date ???????????????
Really
Reward a bully with a play date?
I will get slammed for this but never mid
Our lad had a problem with a bully at school
Hubby said next time it happens be calm
Step back and which him as hard as possible on the nose
2 days later phone call from school
hubby goes and says the bullying is unacceptable
Kid did not bully anyone else gain
Many people will say this is awful but I think kids need to understand that not everyone is a nice person and sometimes you stand up for yourself

I agree. I let my daughter be hit, pushed etc for too long. I raised politely with teacher at pick ups, told my daughter to tell the teacher. No change. 1 day she shouted stop and gave the bully a rather gentle punch in the face, no actual harm done. That was the end of that and she had no more issues with that child. I would never advocate violence and we are a very gentle polite family, I think everyone was shocked when she did it. But since then I have told my girls they give 2 chances if someone is aggressive towards them. Chance 1 - tell the child loudly to stop. Chance 2 - tell them to stop and tell a teacher. On 3rd time of same behaviour, push child away from them. If child comes for them again - hit them back, and we will deal with the consequences together. Kindly brought up children are often so concerned about getting in trouble that they won't shout or push back. We need to teach them that they can do this but only if feel threatened 'never start it, always finish it'.

All concerns raised in written form - either email or school app and take screenshot.

You need to teach him to roar.
Hand out in a stop sign, hard stare- NO! STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE! DON’T TOUCH ME!

We unintentionally constrain our DC when we teach them ONLY to be kind, calm, don’t shout etc.
There are situations we need to scream and shout and shouldn’t be inhibited from doing so.
Practice at home. Lots.

It's the school/teacher's job to deal with unkind behaviour at school, you need to report each and every instance and tell DC to do the same. Don't try and solve it yourself.

I really wouldn't have the kid and Mum over for a playdate while this is ongoing, in case you get tempted to raise it directly with her. Any communicaion needs to go through the school and not with the other parents.

As pp have said, if the teacher doesn't seem to be handing it, next step is the Head.

excellent advice
and having proof of complaining about a pattern of behaviour, of repeating telling the school about a long-standing bullying campaign is a very good argument to prove self-defence when a child finally stands up for themselves.

I'm not clear from what you've written that you've told the child to tell a teacher when the incidents are happening. So yes, the first thing your son needs to do is say "stop it, I don't like it" or "I don't want to play with you now," and then if the behaviour continues he goes to a teacher. I'd also ask if there is a particular staff member he can always find at free play time so he knows a named person he can go to.

Reception is a huge transition. Even some very confident children take a while to settle. You're absolutely right to make sure the other boy doesn't continue bothering your son, but I also wouldn't place every change in your child at his door.

I have a 4yo in nursery. We occasionally have squabbles and biting incidents between children. I worry about starting reception as mine is sometimes the biter.

The child may not be a bully (they’re only 4 after all), but I would hope that teachers do a bit more than just watching and waiting. I would want my child to be told firmly, ‘no’. This is school, they shouldn’t be afraid to tell kids off.

The other parent might not be happy about the situation either.

They need to work in small groups, read books about not biting. Other parent needs to be spoken to and told what to do at home. Child needs to be told clearly that this is not acceptable and ideally feel bad about their behaviour

Basically your child is being bullied, so I would be on the school's back like a ton of brick, and insist for them to deal with it and seriously.

They are the same age, but it's still bullying.

The school cannot communicate any information about the other child, which is good, so the other child and his family are not your problem.

First you contact the teacher, then if it's not resolved, you ask for a meeting with the headteacher, then you contact the governors and ofsted.

What I wish I had done now is punch them in the face however I will not suggest this to my 4 year old.
I would if this doesn't stop, and I would tell the headteacher that my child will have to defend and protect himself if no one else does it. "Being kind" is helping your children to be safe and feel safe, not to become terrified of going to school.

You can't suggest he hits the child, but you could help him practise standing up for himself. Warn him that unfortunately it is often the retaliator who gets into trouble at school because the bully does things on the sly and then the retaliator is caught reacting. You could say something like: if he does it again, shout: Stop touching my hood! Or Stop hurting me! as loud as you can. The teacher might hear and she might think you are being naughty but you are not, so don't worry about that. Just tell her he keeps hurting you and it makes you very sad. Then it is her job to stop him.

Just wanted to add, I’d advise against inviting the bully over to your home. My parents did this with my bully at the same age although they didn’t know she was bullying me (because who would imagine a 4 year old could be like that?) and while we went to play in the bedroom she would kick me and pull my hair. I’m in my 40s and still remember it, and how unsafe I felt

When my parents eventually found out, the school did nothing about it and my parents had to change my school. But I’m hopeful lots of things have changed in bullying procedures in the 40 odd years since it happened to me!

Good luck with it all, it’s great you’re being proactive

First, you go down the normal route of pushing the school for a response of how they are going to handle this.

If it continues...if, as adults, we kept antagonising and picking on someone, we could reasonably expect that at some point someone will snap and hit us. It's a natural consequence.

Yes violence isn't the answer etc etc, but if someone is continually harassing you, sometimes you do need to physically stand up for yourself 🤷

My mum was picked on at school. She is a very placid and shy lady. One day, she'd had enough of the continuous cruelty, and she snapped, pushed the girl to the floor, and hit her once. The girl never bothered her again lol.

Whilst I wouldn't advocate your kid punching the other one, I'm also not sure how helpful it is to encourage children to be passive when bullied.
I'm sorry you were bullied OP, but schools do have more proactive policies around this but can only help if they know there's a problem.
Kids often don't want to make a fuss and are embarrassed about being the centre of attention, if they're already feeling ashamed and upset about things in school they may lack the emotional articulation needed to talk to you.
Behaviour is a good indicator - you know your child best.
Not all kids will be friends and you need to help your kids learn how to advocate for themselves - this only really works if by doing this, the problem gets sorted.
I found my DD would talk about school, but I had a few questions that got her to tell me things. Don't say 'how was your day' instead try something like 'what what the funniest thing that happened today ' and 'what made you cross today' - sometimes I would start that conversation by telling DD something about my day. But something child friendly, like I saw this really gross thing...which would get her attention.

Don’t invite the child to your house, you are making your son vulnerable by doing this.

Your son needs to tell the teacher when the child starts bullying.

At this point, I would be asking for the child’s parents to be invited into school for a discussion about their son’s behaviour. I would want to see robust efforts to prevent this from continuing such as the child sitting on the bench at play times until he can play nicely etc.

Your child needs to be taught to say loudly and firmly ‘please stop’ and then he can seek support from adults.

What does he want to do when this boy bothers him? I would be asking for his opinion and teaching him to trust himself too. If he needs to push the boy away forcefully then that’s fine - empower him.

Just reflecting back on your post, I am dissapointed the school has said ‘we’ll try to keep an eye’ and ‘we’ll try to keep them separate’. This is not a solution.

The solution is teaching, practice, rules, routines and social skills interventions. The art of saying ‘can I join in please?’ All this needs to be taught. It’s absolutely the remit of the early years senior teacher/leader.

People are taught resilience through safety and having adults step in and help, not by being bullied everyday and putting up with it.

Ask the school about:

What strategies they have for teaching, managing and supervising children who do not have social skills, therefore more prone to rough/violent behaviour

What rules and routines are being taught to ensure behaviour is calm and less fractious

What supervision is supposed to look like during more ‘free’ moments, such as playtime

Say you are worried about your child, that they may learn that anti-social behaviour is something normal, to be tolerated.

Really, the biter needs a short, sharp, no-nonsense ‘no biting’ command and close supervision. They also need to be taught play skills so they can make friends. It is distressing for both your child (the bitee) and the other child (the biter) because they are going to struggle to make friends.

Having had three children go through (or going through) PS, you'll regret being too nice and too passive.

I would not invite the child into your home.

Follow up with class teacher, in writing. If no improvement follow up quickly - go to the head, reference the school behaviour /bullying /attendance policy (whichever is relevant- attendance if child is reluctant to attend) and he clearly on what you want- action in place to ensure your child is safe and happy. If that doesn't work, I'd encourage your child to stand his ground and hit back if needed.

In my experience hard and fast escalation via complaints procedure, or a short and sharp retaliation is the only thing that stops this sort of thing effectively.

Another way to try to observe their play together without actually having a playdate would be to attend every possible thing at school, volunteer to go in and do reading, or try to note if parents either bring children to the playground early, frequently stop somewhere on the way home (e.g. nearby park) to let children let off a bit of steam etc, and observe there.

Learning social skills is one of the most useful things about school.
I would chat to your DS everyday and if he's had a negative interaction with this kid, note it. Raise it with the class teacher if necessary. Never be afraid of doing this - teachers can see everything that goes in, a lot of unkind behaviour happens in breaks when supervision is even less.
Role play with your DS how to deal with 'friends' like these. Walking away is often ineffective as they will just follow. It's about getting a response (for the annoying child) so run through different ways he could deal with it if it happens again.