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Original poster

In-law gifting..AIBU

78 replies

isitme333 · 19/11/2025 09:14

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable, and I’m open to hearing other perspectives.

I’ve been married to my DH for 18 years, together for 25, and we’re in our mid-40s.

Every year, I write and send cards to his family parents, siblings, and many nieces and nephews. All the children get £20 in their cards for birthdays and Christmas. His parents receive a nice gift, and a couple of his siblings who don’t have children get a restaurant voucher for them and their partners at Christmas.

In return, we get very little. His parents will put £10 in a card for our birthdays and Christmas, and that’s absolutely fine I don’t give to receive. What bothers me is that, apart from the occasional birthday card, we NEVER get a thank-you, or a simple ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Birthday’ message. My husband is one of 9, and some of his siblings have 6 children, so we send out a few hundred pounds each year.

We don’t have children, something we’ve never been able to change and recently we lost our gorgeous little Springer Spaniel. I posted a small tribute on Facebook with a photo, and not a single member of his family offered condolences. His mum sent a brief message saying, “sorry for the loss of the dog,” ‘the dog’ couldn’t even use her name that was it.

Am I being unreasonable to think about just stopping? I hardly see them from one six-month stretch to the next, and honestly, I’m tired of putting in so much effort with nothing coming back.

My DH will just say send it all as normal to stop any issues but i’m honestly thinking of just not bothering any more.

OP posts:
TheCosyViewer · 19/11/2025 09:21

I think you could simply say to your DH that you, yourself, are not sending cards, etc to his family this year but if he wants to take over the task, then that’s perfectly fine with you. Then don’t remind him or make reference to it again.

SapphireOpal · 19/11/2025 09:19

If he still wants to then he can. Then you're still paying the money but at least you're not having to organise it. And I bet he doesn't bother...

Do the other childless couples who you get a restaurant voucher for reciprocate with presents for you? Or do you just get them something and get nothing back?

This is why I only do "let's just do presents for the kids" with other couples with children, not ones who don't have any! Very unfair on you to be giving money as presents to all these kids and not even getting a card or a thank you in exchange, let alone a gift. No you don't give to receive but you give because you care about the recipient and it doesn't seem they care very much about you.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 19/11/2025 09:18

Eeeek That's pretty bad.
I have 18 aunt and uncles (both parents are 1 of 9) so have grown up in big families

i'd pull back and not discuss it AT ALL unless they have the ridiculous balls to raise it with you.

I'd do a card a box of celebrations or whatever crap chocolate is on offer for each family
If i was feeling generous / didnt want to be listening to any bitching I'd add a "family puzzle" from the works or similat that way they cant complain the kids didnt get anything.

Birthdays - in our family the rule is kids get £10 in a card until 18 if you can remember and if they arent little shits!
Adults get a card unless its milestone or you happen to see them on their birthday.

I'd keep your powder dry and be tactical...

This year I'd do christmas so you control the budget and continue kids bdays into 26 but let dh know he needs to remember and organise all his siblings birthdays for 26 (spoiler alert: he wont)

then in 26 i'd continue the slow fade... hand over kids cards and then finally xmas that way the precedents will all have beem set by you (hell do what was previously done at most) and your outings reduced massively.

Stopping dead is fairly nuclear and you risk your dh "throwing money at the problem which would fuck me right off.

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