First anniversary with boyfriend - nothing said or done

Honestly this. Your kids sound very problematic too, maybe he wants to just keep a distance or not get involved. Come on op, at 46 seems like you have a bit of growing up as well. It’s 1 year of dating, not even engagement, marriage or even living together. You are a bit too intense

Best summary.

Turning up at his work as well to really put on a show.

He sounds stingy, which is massively unappealing. You sound really intense (sorry) and over the top with stuff.

On top of that he's a bit boring and doesn't know how and when to comfort people who need it. I wouldn't be bothering any more, to be honest.

Tightness is so repulsive, I don't know how anyone can overlook it. I do offer petrol money and paying for the coffees when I go out with friends because I don't drive, so they're always the ones driving and I need to compensate them for that. They don't ask for me to go halves with petrol ever, so I have to redress the balance in some way. Your guy sounds frickin awful and I'd be chucking him back.

And his saying you're the light of his life. Well, I could say that. Talk is cheap, isn't it. And actions speak louder than words. He doesn't behave as though you're the light of his life (really, after a year?!), does he?

We're supposed to be meeting tomorrow evening for our usual Thurs evening where he cooks me dinner at his (always makes just enough but no extras hahhaah)

Huh? Why would he make "extras" for dinner?

he's been chatting about the rain this morning and how he slept but NOTHING about the anniversary.

What?! What is there to say?!?!

I have prepared a beautiful frame with three photos of us in it and a card to give him. I am planning to ask him if I can meet him at work (which is closer than his home) and just hand him the gift and say 'happy anniversary'.

Oh god.

I took him out to celebrate his new job two months ago. I am leading by example too.

You're not "leading by example". You are doing what you want to do and he is doing what he wants to do.

I don't want to spoonfeed him and I did clearly explain on my birthday it was not enough effort.

Nice.

I empathise with you and don't think you are too much, just different expectations and maybe different levels of past relationship experience. I would be interested to know if he has been married and has children. This might explain why the start of the conversation was around him and his sleeping as some people who are childless can be a bit selfish (not necessarily in a horrible way) and only had themselves to worry about. The zoning out thing when he speaks also reminds me of my ex who was a lovely person but didn't have a lot of depth and spoke a lot about mundane things and a lot about other people. The money thing is also a trigger for me .. my ex was tone deaf when it came to talking about finances and wanting to share his thoughts about investments etc. but not mindful of my very different financial situation. Another ick for me is being tight - I don't like talking about money and get that splitting 50/50 is important to me BUT seriously, mentioning it all the time sets the path for things to come and sometimes its nice to get treated and not even mention the money. He sounds a nice man but sometimes those icks can develop into larger problems.

I think you are simply calibrated differently!

To me this reads: He’s wanting to keep everything fair and even and he’s mindful of his poor financial position following his own divorce.

You prefer bigger, more generous gestures to demonstrate that you care and anything else feels stingy and starts to put you off.

sadly I think Yabu to expect him to reciprocate and you need to reduce your expectations or throw this fish back in the pond and start anew.

are you close enough to observe if he caring in other ways - will bring you a cup of tea unprompted when you’re unwell, or notice that your door handle wobbles and just fix it without even mentioning? generous as a lover or selfish?

The anniversary thing is a bit daft, you're not teenagers. When did that even become a thing?

Everything else makes it sound like you are just not compatible. He sounds a bit tight and boring, you sound too full on, and sorry - a bit desperate.

I agree with most of the other posters on your thread.

You are not meant for each other.

Money is the one thing that breaks relationships/friendships. At some point being 'careful' turns into mean and tightfisted.

I understand you can feel hurt about the one year dating anniversary, but clearly your boyfriend doesn't see it as an important date.

You can't change someone else.

I'd move on.

No, she isn't. She's disturbingly unattuned to what a good relationship looks like, five years out of an abusive marriage, has poor self-esteem, problem teenagers, and a freakish amount of disconnect between the actual relationship she's in and the amount of emphasis she puts on celebrating it (probably because it is so crap).

If she were 'grabby', she wouldn't have spent a year with someone who is incredibly tight, obsessed with splitting petrol costs, and was slow to pay for a coffee on their first date.

This. Paying half the petrol? Even my teenage son doesn’t do this with his girlfriend. Where’s his pride for goodness sake. Sounds to me like you’re so desperate to be in a relationship even though you know this one’s not for you. Aim higher.

You’re just not on the same page as each other. He’s tight and thoughtless and you sound a bit full on.
I agree with others, I’d concentrate on what’s going wrong with your teenagers.
Oh and did you say happy anniversary to him this morning?

But bluntly, so what? You find him conversationally dull, thoughtless and incredibly tight. Who cares if he's desperately in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you? And more importantly, why are you making special anniversary framed photos when you're in a relationship that, a year in, is crap and that you should be ending?

The problem you have is you find him boring. At 46 you should be looking for someone who lights up your world with interesting comversation and sparking of minds.

Why are you even bothering? He's tight and can be "boring" and you sound pissed off with the relationship.

At this stage a relationship should be fun and make you feel happy.

You want him to be something other than what he is. Unless you enjoy taking on a (human) project, I would tell him you don't see a future and wish him well.

Sorry op i think you need to take a big step back and reflect on your whole situation and how you’re reacting to things.

I do agree with a PP that it’s quite alarming you’re focussed on not getting a gift instead of what is going on with your DD.

I wouldn’t expect your bf of a year to call you and some people are just more into texting. And also, maybe see the issues with your DD from the other side of the relationship, it might be a bit intense for someone who has only been dating you a year.

You do also sound like i did in my early 20s when i was very inexperienced with realtionships and i think you need to work on your self esteem.

She’s grabby, controlling, and dictating. It’s gross.

Yes, that's not right.

I couldn’t make sense of this bit tbh. I don’t know why the guy is bothering being involved with a woman with so much drama going on in her life who’s only berating and criticising him anyway.

OP I think you’re trying to force him to be something in order to falsely create the kind of relationship you want and need right now when your life isn’t going well. But you can’t force him to be what he isn’t and he shouldn’t have to put up with you bitching and moaning at him over everything he does.

Just end it and focus on yourself and your family.

Petrol is bloody expensive. If someone else was doing all the driving, I’d expect to chip in.

And if I was doing all the driving and the other person didn’t offer, I’d start saying something about it.

He sounds a bit tight and not into marking milestones. He is vey unlikely to get better at either of these things, and probably it will get worse as he gets older. If it bothers you this much, it sounds like you are not really compatible.

Sorry you're having trouble with teen DD. Hope it gets better soon.

This is who he is. You’re not going to be able to change him. You need to be honest with yourself if you can cope with him as he is.

Grand gestures aren’t all they are cracked up to be. It’s how he treats you day to day that’s important.

He sounds like a good egg if a little bit tight (paying for half the petrol WTF?!). You need to decide if it’s enough for you.

To make this worse, he knows that yesterday my teen daughter behaved so badly and was screaming so much that the neighbour called the police and I was so distraught that the police wanted to take me to hospital to get support (I promised them I would call the GP and I did). He also knows it has been a really, really hard few weeks for me with both my teens.

Hang on a minute. You have all this going on with your child but all you're focused on is what your new boyfriend is buying / spending on you???

No, she said she was unhappy with the gift, he promised to be better, she gave him tips, book, chocolate. Greedy and grabby.
I'd have took the earrings back.

I told him presents don't need to be expensive but 'fill the bag'

😳

You’re just not compatible. You need and want big gestures, he just wants half of the petrol money. This is never going to work.