Fiancé asking for a prenup

Are you sure, I mean really positive, that this is the right man for you?

I don’t think that either of you have done anything wrong. You have very sensibly insisted on marriage to give yourself some legal protection in the event that the relationship breaks down. He’s trying to do the exact same thing you’ve done.

What would worry me would be your respective reactions to each other trying to protect yourselves. His reaction to your ultimatum is that he’ll agree to marry you but only because he doesn’t want to break up with you and this is the only way you’ll agree to children. After all, who wants to get married to someone they’ve had to persuade into it? Your reaction to his ultimatum (is it an ultimatum? Has he said whether the marriage is dependent on you signing?) is to be outraged that he doesn’t trust you not to try and take his stuff if you break up. Who wants to marry someone they’d have to hand over years of hard work to? You don’t seem to be aligned on finances at all.

On the one hand, I can see that marriage is a contract and it’s only sensible to negotiate assets as well, especially in light of the divorce rate. On the other hand, getting married and having a family is about building a life together. That’s combining finances so you’re not having to save to take maternity leave while he’s got thousands in his savings. That means that if his business goes through a rough patch, it’s your rough patch too. Otherwise what’s the point? You’ll both be entering into a marriage with one foot in and one foot out.

I think you should think very carefully about this. Not just the pre-nup, but the whole way you’ve organised your finances. Is this something you’ll be happy with further down the line? What are your plans for maternity leave? Who’ll be paying for swimming and comics and assorted activities, while you’re juggling work, child care and still paying your 50% into the holiday fund. A friend of mine has found herself in this position, with her husband grumbling that he doesn’t know what she does with her money, or why she’s always skint, and he doesn’t understand why she’s asking him to fill her car up when he never drives it (conveniently forgetting that she works from home, while juggling child care and that she only uses her car to run their children about). He never pays for ice creams at the park, or buys presents and cards for birthday parties or any other of a million different expenses. This is not a couple who will be growing old together.

There are so many things that it’s essential to be in agreement with when you’re getting married. It sounds like money, and even marriage itself, are things you need to be discussing before you talk about prenups and making vows about sharing all that you have.

Nothing wrong with OP declining marriage if he wants a prenuptial either!

My pre-nup protected me more than my husband. I was likely to inherit more and I earned more than him. He didn't quibble about signing it. Luckily I have never had to rely on it.

Nothing wrong with a prenup or him protecting his business. He didn't keep you waiting with a proposal. Your friends probably have a very similar net worths, unlike you and your partner.

I think I'd let this one go @Aquea . He wants you to put yourself at risk by having children, but wants to remove the legal protections that marriage affords you.

Absolutely this.

So negotiate. Think about how others have been screwed, and protect yourself. Get a solicitor of your choosing, not his. Negotiate in heavy penalties for cheating etc that massively swing in your favour. If you’re of good moral conduct and believe this will be a long term thing, it’s just a piece of paper. I see why he’s doing it, and frankly yes, he should. People’s jobs depend on him, he could have to sell the business to pay you out on a divorce, he built this before you, you likely didn’t contribute to it. Where I live now pre marital estate generally won’t be part what is available for a divorce settlement. Tbh it makes a lot of sense.

I think you really need to consider your expectations of marriage, logically. What was it about being married that you wanted before you have children and why. Then build those clauses into the prenup. If he doesn’t agree, then he is not the husband for you.

He is just forcing you both to put your cards on the table early. If, when you are both in love, you don't think the deal offered is good enough, then walk away.

I suspect his hand felt forced by your stance on children, and you have unearthered his real attitude towards his assets and building a future together and that is why you feel uneasy.

Do you live in the UK? If so, there is no such thing as an iron-clad pre-nup. They aren't worth a bean.

Funny how being financially sensible and talking of marriage as a contract and legal protection is always pushed here when it primarily impacts the woman.

God forbid a man does tries to be financially sensible too. Then it's all unromantic and cruel and selfish and self-obsessed.

Why should anyone be entitled to what anyone else has worked hard for before they met their spouse? And that goes for man or woman. In a happy marriage, of course everything is shared but in the sad but probable event of divorce, why should anyone be forced to give up what they have earned prior to having even met their spouse? If it were a woman, everyone would be telling her to protect herself; I've even seen posters advise women against marriage all completely if she is better off than her spouse.

It all seems very mercenary. The double standard would be infuriating if it weren't so laughable.

This is weird surely you understand that you have said to him you want the protection of marriage, this is finacial protection. Its they only thing marriage does gives you some security.

You have had nothing to do with his success you have not contributed you didnt know him. Your mindset indicates to me that he should walk away. Your finacially mismatched and you are focused on what benefit you get from him.

The people say in that you should throw him back if you're going to be marrying anyone with sense.And a high income and assets, a preanup is a very normal conversation.It indicates that you're not used to dealing or being around this level of income or wealth.A prenup can be protective to you as well.It just needs to be carefully negotiated for people saying they're not legal in the u.K, you need to check that changed about five years ago.They're very much legal in the u, k, and they've been tested in open court. I don't know if you, will actually make it to the marriage simply because you've made it look like a large financial play.

Even if that's not your intention, it's very difficult to find men or women with assets at that level that need to be protected.But it doesn't mean that, because you've married then.You have also contributed to their prior success.Anything that you build together during the marriage is yours, but the stuff before the marriage is not. You used children as leverage, it kind of doesn't make sense.

He can have children with anybody. If you literally can have children with anybody that isn't a special skill. It's not unique to you. What should be the focus is the relationship in the future? Could be a way for you to explore what he actually wants to do. And for you to tell him, as it seems that you have an expectation, that he fully financially supports you? That expectation needs to be put on the table now.

The women on her talking about how it's unromantic for him to do this. And at the same time, say that marriage offers perception or I've ever deliberately dishonest or very confused. You're talking about the same thing, just from different perspectives. You're implying that it's right for a woman to benefit financially from marriage. But it's wrong for a man to financially protect himself. Doesn't make any sense and just to be, you know, completely honest at least in the circles. I am mixing and at work. This is a frequent topic of conversation. At least in men that work in finance and a prennup is the one thing that all of his friends and colleagues. Any of his social circle would push him to do.

It sounds as if his pre-nup suggestion could be spite as you wouldn't take the 'girlfriend he has kids with' role he wanted.

The general protections offered by marriage are different from the specific ringfencing of assets in a pre-nup, I don't think you're being hypocritical at all. Marriage is particularly valuable on the death of a spouse - inheritace without inheritance tax, rights to a proportion of their pension, and the status of next of kin - unmarried partners don't get to decide where their partners are buried.

My gut reaction from your posts is that he's not particularly caring or kind, so I'd be wary of getting married to him. But if he's actually decent apart from the marriage issue, then go see a solicitor. I don't think there's such a thing as an iron clad pre-nup in the UK, especially if you have kids.

I also don't think that the courts would give you half of his business if you divorce after a short childless marriage, so he may think that he needs a level of higher level of protection than he actually does.

He's encouraging her to get a solicitor herself, if she follows that and it's a good solicitor this will not be an issue.

Exactly this.

If you are financially mismatched or your marriage would pose a risk to your business who wouldn't protect it. It's neive to assume marriage is all love and laughter, it can be but it can also end in divorce. There is no harm in thinking of the worst case scenario and insuring yourself against it.

Had my husband not come from a similar background to me and was of similar financial standing I would have chosen to develop a pre nup pre marriage. I would not want to risk inheritance and my business either. As it was he is of equal standing and therefore the risk reduced and we do not have one.

It's sensible and nothing to fear if life goes well and if it doesn't well you will be arguing over whatever is not ring fenced and your husband's business can continue unhindered.

I don’t blame him at all for wanting to protect his business. The livelihoods of 35 people depend on him. What will happen to their jobs if your marriage ends and you demand half of the business?

Also, you say it doesn’t make a lot of profit and has significant overheads. Debts? If he ringfences the business it would also protect you from any liability if things go wrong.

He wants you to have independent legal advice to protect your interests. That’s a good thing.

He sounds like a pretty sensible guy to me.

I feel he can’t be fully invested in you as his wife and life partner and mother of his children. It’s as if he has divorce in the back of his mind before he’s even married.

You want marriage before children which he reluctantly agreed to but now wants to negate the marriage with a prenup. And you have to pay for the privilege of granting him that prenup.

I don’t blame you for being hesitant. It really is enough to put you off.

It shouldnt, but you can bet your sweet ass that it will.

Do you want a happy marriage and a happy family?

Then walk away. This is not the man to do it with.

He wants all the benefits of a woman at home, giving him kids, running the house blah blah but with her also working FT and paying half the bills. Yet he wants to shoulder absolutely none of costs that that would incur.

Throw this one back. His money, his business and indeed himself, will always come first. Look at how he is behaving now and then consider how he will behave when you have PND or a broken leg or two kids and you all going down with Noro.

He is a selfish man who is out for himself. NO. NO. NO.

Nah, I think just from observing other men I know, the kind of man who is pushing for a prenup is likely the kind of man who would try to screw you over financially in the event of a divorce. The men I know who are totally fair financially with their wives/ex-wives never in a million years would have even considered a pre-nup!

There is nothing wrong with a prenup. It’s the terms that are important.

you mention things like what if your body is damaged in childbirth. That could be covered in a prenup. If you become disabled or can’t work because you were having his child, his payout to you should increase.

wvery time you as a couple make a decision that harms your career and favors his, a good prenup will account for that.

it shouldn’t just protect his interests.

I don't think prenups are legal in the UK.

Why on earth are your savings combined when you aren’t even married?

You're only saying that because it benefits you. You want the legal protection of marriage because it ONLY benefits you.

It's perfectly reasonable that he should protect the assets he's accumulated on his own. You haven't contributed anything. Sharing the assets you grow together makes sense.

You say you're not after his money, but you are. You want to make a claim on assets he built with no contribution from you if you split up.

Bet if the gender was reversed for the prenup everyone would agree .

Your cousin getting screwed by a mortgage she was paying towards but not on has nothing to do with prenups, her mistake was not getting her name on the deed making her a co-owner before paying the mortgage on it

Your partner wanting a pre-nup is understandable, he would be screwed without one in the event of a divorce. You should get a lawyer though before signing it, they can help you negotiate a fair prenup that will protect his business\other assets but doesn't completely screw you over either.