What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

This!

Right, when mine were young, we mostly went out as a group, but yes absolutely sometimes when one was too young, or it just wasn't something I wanted to take one of them to for some reason, I'd take only one. And when you factor in the dad being unreasonable and dropping the ball in parenting, I am definitely team stepmother.

It's a shame if dad's choices are making his kids unhappy, so he should address that.

Yes, seems pretty clear to me.

I mean, I do this with my own kids - split them up. I really dislike taking the little one bowling or to mini golf or similar activities, as she's an absolute liability, so she gets left with her dad. Equally, there are some activities I prefer to do just with her. If their dad fucked off to work when he was meant to be having one or other child, I wouldn't be tolerating it. I could take both, but quite often I prefer not to. And they're both my kids.

And of course, stepmother cannot possibly be the unpaid carer for someone else's children and cancel her plans on the weekends because their father won't do the right thing.

That would be unbelievably unkind to her own child, who IS her responsibility.

The father has repeatedly failed to parent his own children and thought he could continue to get away with that. Stepmother fairly took the children to their father as she was no longer prepared to be his doormat.

If she'd left them home alone, the outrage would be fair. But she didn't. So it's not.

I think she said if you want to go out with just your own child do it when step children with their other parent.

Right. This is the basic story, with all the fluff removed. Stepmother blamed for not allowing childen's father to do the wrong thing, repeatedly. Stepmother blamed for not being a doormat, behaving like an adult, making sure his children were with their father, and getting on with her plans.

He is the parent, she is not. She did not agree to the unpaid childcare, and it was not the first time or an emergency.

So he has to look after his own children, and that's that.

She did. She dropped them off with their parent and carried on with her plans for the day.

Because the OP had plans with her sister and niece and didn't want to drag along two extra kids who had been dumped on her? Seems reasonable to me.

Yes you are probably right. Dad probably just swanned off to work . But I still dont understand why they couldn't have just gone to the aquarium too, unless no space in car or they didn't want to go 🤔

Say something, that was hurtful and mean. 7&9 are still babies and of course this made them feel bad. If that's the way they are going to behave towards to little children then they should own what kind of people they are. And I don't blame the stepmother (although there must be serious resentment there for her to do that to a 7&9 year old). He needs to commit to parenting or excuse himself as their father like so many of these feckless useless men do (why on earth has he has had more children, what's wrong with him).

I got a lot of stick for this opinion. I go on holiday and leave one of my kids at home. And then book another activity and leave the other one. I have a 13 year old and a 3 year old and there's no activity they'd be interested on doing together. I'm not about to drag my 13 year around the kids farm park while he complains about the WiFi. Amd my 3 year old doesn't meet the height requirements for the big rides at a theme park.

So your never allowed to have a different out with just your own child? I plan days out without one or the other of my children and they're both my children.

Of course it's his responsibility, which is said in my previous posts.

Doesn't excuse Sarah leaving the kids behind.
Like I said, deal with it like an adult and leave the innocent kids out of proving a point.

I don’t think it is reasonable. But then again I am often astounded at the way step children are treated according to Mumsnet. In my opinion step children should be included in the family unit whenever they are present, be it for 1 day a fortnight or full time. If I were the woman in this case I would consider I had three children in my care on that particular day and would never dream of going off on a day out without them. I also think it unreasonable for the children to be expected to stay at their dad’s work at any time. He should be concentrating on working not doing childcare on the side when he is at work. The contempt some people have for employers is another of my bugbears.
I’m sure many Mumsnet posters will tell me I’m wrong but that is my opinion and i think there would be more happy families if more people agreed with me.

out of curiosity - in your view, is there ever a situation where a step parent can be in the wrong with regard to how they treat a step child?

Parents leave kids with other people that agree to have them.

Sarah has told him that’s she’s not going to be his childcare. If John has to work then he needs to either organize childcare, or take his children to work with him.

He’s their father. If he doesn’t want his children to feel caught in the middle then he’s the one that needs to stop putting them there.

7 and 9yo DC
John and Sarah together for 5 years
So John broke up his family while his youngest child was only 2?

We all know this! Doesn't negate that people have to work.
He left the kids with his wife, not taking then with her was spiteful to the kids.

She can address the issue of not looking afyer them between the two of them as adults not have the kids caught in between.

Fathers and mothers do leave kids with other people when need be, be it nannies, grandparents or step-parents, it's not a new thing.

When you take someone with children of course you expect to help look after them. The children have now heard them arguing about them and will realise that Sarah doesn't want them. Well done Sarah.

Giving people names in poets really gives me the ick!

It doesn’t seem that she did ask him to work at the weekend for her and their child. He knew that Sarah was unwilling to provide childcare, yet he decided to dump them on her anyway. That isn’t supporting her or treating her as an equal partner, but highlighting his complete lack of respect for her. Fortunately, Sarah has a spine and didn’t allow him to do that.

I have no doubt that she does support and facilitate him, but quite reasonably draws the line at taking on a responsibility that is solely his. They may be family, but they aren’t her children she’s obliged to accept responsibly for.

Yeh that's fine we can agree to disagree.
In my view these things work both ways- if he is supporting her, then she also should expect to provide support ., that includes acknowledging that if he's working to provide for her and their shared child, that has implications for his existing children, who deserve not to be regarded as expendable. They are a family.

Honestly he wasn't abusive, but definitely a bit selfish, god like!!!, but he did use her kindness for sure, until she was over it and him.

He was in emergency medicine and was getting called in.
She had obliged him while childless, dropping here and there at the weekends, but after having her own child, up at night, tired, trying to juggle naps, she was suddenly done.

She packed up and went home to her mum and dad nearby, for spoiling, and stayed a full month.
She wasn't returning until he had childcare sorted.
She only realised how shattered she was, and how much easier her baby actually was when she stopped running around after him and his kids.

She flipping loved staying with her parents and I remember she didn't want to go back to all the juggling.
He wasn't long paying for a cleaner to come in and sort the house and he had to substantially up his childcare to collect his children and cover his weekend etc.
She insisted that he was there for all his weekends going forward as she was no longer driving his children here there and everywhere, messing with her own babys routine.

Things were rocky for a while but he could see she meant business.
She has a great relationship with her steps to this day. They got more of their father because of her, because she wouldn't allow him to be a bare minimum dad because of his career.

He's semi retired now and a devoted grandfather.

Women will get as much shit as they are prepared to take.
Interestingly he was encouraging her to give up work if she wanted which I told her was self serving at the time.
She remained in her teaching job and critically never allowed herself to become his summer childcare.
Women with boundaries can navigate these relationships successfully.

Step fathers do not caught for this type of thing IMO.

Lol. The father’s rights and wrongs are irrelevant, so it’s on the stepmother to suck it up and play doormat ‘for the kids’? That’s convenient.