What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

These threads confuse me so much. I had a dog when I met my now husband. I quite often plan events at the weekend and he wouldn't ever say it was unreasonable of me to leave him to be responsible for her. But then, when they were wee I'd take all four of my nephews and nieces places. Id never think to exclude any child, assuming I could manage them.

I’m sure the children here have spent a boring day with dad whilst he curses and blames Sarah. It’s not their fault that they’ve been influenced by their dad rather than realising he’s equally capable of taking them on a day trip. They’re children and can’t think critically.

I have adult friends who were stepchildren though, who openly discuss how they hated their stepmothers, and when you actually talk about it, it’s for things like enforcing bedtimes or homework. You know, actual parenting that their slack dads couldn’t be bothered to do. Stepmums get a whole lot of shit, often for trying to do the right thing for kids they want the best for. For all we know, the kids here are crying out for attention from dad, the day trips with Sarah are overwhelming and fraught as she wrangles three kids, and she’s doing anything she can to make him stop choosing overtime over them. Arguing clearly isn’t changing anything. Yet there’s dozens of comments calling her a cunt and a bitch and cold-hearted.

I’m not blaming OP if she steps in now to change the schedule, which she seems to be dithering on.

I’m blaming John for being a shit dad and partner.

Back when I was in Sarah's position, I would never have dropped off my daughter's older half siblings so I could take her on a trip they weren't invited to. And my sister would never have invited me and my daughter out without including her siblings. It would be all, or none. Poor kids.

You cannot blame children for disliking stepparents who resent them. In fact you can't blame them for not wanting stepparents at all - it's not their choice, but it's often presented as something they're meant to be happy about or grateful for.

If the situation is that your partner is allowing your stepchildren to be horrible to you, though, or blaming you for his/her own failings, that's on him/her.

I am not Sarah! But I’ve been in her shoes and it pisses me off to see so many posters blaming her instead of the parents.

I don’t think she’s blameless, but I think she’s at the end of her tether having expressed repeatedly that she’s not up for providing free childcare. Nobody’s listening to her, so she’s been pushed into taking action.

Everyone’s saying she should leave if she’s unhappy, but that means a broken home for her child too. Surely if posters here are unhappy with their partners, they try to get their point across and change the status quo before immediately leaping to LTB.

No I couldn't imagine it either, but from OP's update it sounds like this is the cause of ongoing friction between John and Sarah and, as he appears to have been ignoring her, not sure what other steps she can take? Very much reading between the lines!

I'm sure the children would rather be with their dad

I have 2 DSS and have been in their lives from ages 2 & 4 . I never would've left them out of anything, neither would my family. All our children are treated the same. Whilst the boys are now 16 & 17 they are still always invited everywhere and treated the same as their little sister .
What she did was cruel

Cinderella was not a made-up story, but a documentary.

I think it would be looked at rather dimly if OP took it upon herself to intrude on how dad chose to arrange childcare during his time, and/or interfered with the issues in his current marriage (not least dimly by his current wife). Essentially, OP's right to get involved begins where her children are affected (i.e. at this exact point).

Why are you so keen to blame everything on the one person who had literally nothing to do with this incident?

I agree with this. OP’s been aware for some time that her ex is dumping her children on Sarah and that she’s not happy about it. But it’s not been a problem until Sarah stops providing the fun free childcare which benefits both the parents.

Are you Sarah? if not you being 'sure' is neither here nor there. Literally just making things up to suit your narrative that Sarah is blameless. The facts of the matter as presented in to OP does not exculpate her, nor does the fact that dad is ultimately responsible for the situation.

There is no evidence to suggest that OP wouldn't want to have her children at the weekend. I assume that their dad requested 40/60 so that he would pay less maintenance. He is the one who is shifting his parental responsibilities onto his second wife. OP has no say in what goes on in her ex-husband's home but she can see that her children are feeling rejected and upset.

I would speak to your ex, point out that the children were upset at being left behind and over hearing the row.
ask him if you can reschedule the contact so it is at times he is not working and try to be flexible to accommodate this. I wouldn’t be happy with my children sitting at dads work all day.

@inapickle99 , Sarah looks like the bad guy, but John is treating her like an unpaid childminder.
A trip to the aquarium with a toddler is a different outing to one with 3 children of varying ages.

How convenient that John is self-employed.

Turn the story around, and put yourself in Sarah's shoes.

Our of interest, why did you split up with John?

This, really.

Likewise it’s easier for a shit parent, and a loyalty bonded child, to blame a stepparent for the parent’s failings.

Given the escalations OP’s mentioned, I’m sure leaving is on Sarah’s agenda if her stepchildren’s parents don’t sort out a contact schedule which means they’re properly parenting.

What was the reason given for leaving the two older children behind?

The difference being, the stepparent can leave any time they like. The child is stuck in whatever shitty situation they are landed in and have zero power to choose. And it is often more convenient to the stepparent to blame the child for existing, rather than blame their partner for being such a shit parent and partner.

Ah so he takes the piss?

If she resents them then they're going to pick up on it.

It's going to be tricky to deal with,but you need to step in I think.

I'd be bringing up to the pair of them that the kids hear them when they argue and they've heard their Stepmum say things about them and it stops now though. I wouldn't be sending my kids anywhere they weren't welcome.

Not a good precedent to set - how can the OP plan her life if she never knows when her shitty ex is going to fuck the schedule over?

They need to take Sarah out of the equation and make a contact agreement based purely on when dad is available to see his kids and then stick to it (within reason).

She did - the appropriate authority here is John.

I’m very sure she is considering moving too.

This.

None of this is the kids' fault, yet they're the ones who are suffering the consequences of the adults who are meant to be looking after them acting like twats. The other three are blaming each other and pointing the finger but are fundamentally undamaged by any of it.

There's a lot of projection going on on this thread - which I am as guilty of as anyone else, having been in the position of those poor kids being shoved unwanted from pillar to post.

Tough one, it is not at all fair on the kids who are too young to understand, and only hear/feel that they aren't wanted, so can understand why you are upset.

But this situation is 100% down to your ex I'm afraid, why is he working weekends when he has the kids, it's not up to their stepmum to solo parent them, it is up to you and him to parent them between you.

If he can't have them that weekend because of working (which you say is very common), why can they not stay at home with you? Is there a reason this contact arrangement is so inflexible?

Or maybe she refused to have them and said she’d drop them at his work, and he called her bluff.

We don’t know. But ultimately responsibility for the kids during John’s contact time is with John, not Sarah.