Embarrassed about grief oversharing and being ignored

Is this the same friend whom you posted about, who you said had not checked in on you during the past 3 months?

Yes, but you're suffering over this, and you don't need any extra suffering right now. From a selfish point of view, you can get closure over this matter with a simple call. Forget about what he should or shouldn't have done, and do this for yourself only. I know what I am talking about because a similar thing happened to me not once, but a number of times. One of those times the reason I had no answer was perfectly legitimate. If I had not called, both of us would have lost a dear friend. Even if the chance is small, true friendship makes it worthwhile.

Whatever you decide to do, I am sending you a big hug.

@MegsDancer I'm going against the grain here. No one knows why he has not answered. And, as you say, this is a 20 year friendship.

My advice is... call him. No messages, because tone and feeling are lost in writing. Call him and talk to him and explain you were hurt by his lack of reply to such a heartfelt message from you, and you need his friendship now that you're suffering.

His answer on the phone will give you the information you need. Nothing can be worse than waiting and getting no reply. Even if the call proves to you he's not the friend you thought he was, it will be better than this suffering with nothing. And who knows, there may still be an explanation. He may be in hospital himself. Something may have happened to his family. The message may not have arrived. He may have replied a lovely message and thought he had sent it, and it's still in drafts (this has happened to me).

Just call him and clarify.

I don’t know why men are always excused just because they are…men.
That was fucking appalling of him. To just totally blank your response, that he himself welcomed. He could’ve just said ‘argh god that really sounds so tough’ instead of ignored. Shitty.

Of course its absolutely out of order that he didn't reply
Totally out of order.

You can now choose how to categorise his friendship.

For example I told a dear friend about something horrible that happened to me. She didn't respond for 6 weeks and then apologised but 'I was busy'

I now know what sort of friendship she can give me. I can choose whether I want that friendship and go forward knowing who my friend is. Whereas before this, I actually didn't realise who she is

Knowledge is power 🙂

IMO, men are rubbish around grief and dying.

No need for you to feel ashamed, OP. But completely understand your disappointment in him. Some people just can't do it.

People get things wrong or dont respond in the way we think they 'should', its life, its being human. Do we just 'drop' people for not being perfect?

I think he should have responded after saying that.

However I also think some people, when they don't know what to say, freeze up a bit. Men in particular. It might not have occurred to him to say something like Oh that sounds really tough. Or some men think by offering to listen it's enough to just listen but forget they should make a supportive noise at the end of it!

I don't think you need to feel guilty or embarrassed though, given that he literally said he was happy to listen.

It wasn't wrong to explain your grief when he'd asked, OP.

But from personal experience, people really don't know how to respond to grief. He may not know what to reply - but even a "I'm sorry you're going through this" would have been better than nothing.

I found out who my genuine friends/family were when my Dad died. And it shocked the heck out of me.

My oldest friend since school who, I had supported when her Dad died, dropped me when I informed her my Dad had died. I messaged her and realised after a week with no reply, only to find I had been blocked. Still puzzled. People can be cruel.

Or perhaps he read "and I'm now supporting his partner through it", as you saying you're very busy?

When my dad recently died I would just ignore or 'thumbs up' light hearted texts, rather than reply with 'Sorry but my dad's just died'.

Do you think he may have just replied with a platitude because he was unsure of how else to respond?

Personal morals/politics aside, this is such a common feature that people report when they experience a bereavement and others say: "Let me know if I can do anything..." and then proceed to fall off the planet. It may be about the manner of her dying - in which case he needs to remember that it's not a choice that YOU made, you are just dealing with the aftermath. Or it could be because he's a crap performative friend when it comes to something 'serious'. Either way, he's not acting like a friend, so I wouldn't waste any time thinking about it. But neither would I forget, it would just make me think that our friendship wasn't that deep and, if I still wanted him in my life, not to share anything non-bubblegum with him ever again.

Unfortunately in my experience many people are quick to say "let me know if you need anything" and "you can always call if you need me", but they don't actually mean it. Grief really sorts the wheat from the chaff.

I didn't remove anyone from my life over things like this but I felt like I found out who they really were - some true friends, some who are just nice to go to the cinema with once in a while, I guess this friend is in the latter category.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I find as I get older that every bereavement triggers memories and feelings about other past bereavements.

People often don’t really know how to discuss death, loss and grief in the best of circumstances.

Assisted dying has its own complexities and it may well have triggered conflicts or previous losses for your friend.

Of course he should have messaged back, but it might just have been too hard to find the right words for this.

If he is otherwise a good friend, I’d be disappointed but give him a pass on this occasion.

A simple acknowledgment from the friend would suffice, to not reply is pretty shitty no matter your moral judgment.

He perhaps doesnt know what to say, or frightened of saying the wrong thing..

But he was a dick, why don't you want to drop him?

I think assisted dying is a very emotive and divisive topic, and you need to recognise this. It is likely when he said he was available to listen he wasn't expecting to be landed with something potentially controversial, that may well not align with his own beliefs or morals. He may be having trouble offering a supportive reply based on this

I'm sorry you are feeling down and going through a tough time, I wouldn't lose your friend over this though