Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

So some posters seem to think that OP should insist her kids have their third rubbish Xmas in a row.

Are they trying to make sure that OP will be a Sheila in a few years, when none of her children want to spend Xmas with her?

Yeah I agree. 2 fucked up Christmases and the kids will probably decide to spend next year with friends or on a beach somewhere!

OP promised them a family Christmas first. What has happened to the usual MN stance of “you don’t change things for a later offer” like there was on the Visiting Grandma versus Teen Party thread

What are they doing for Christmas this year? How is SIL now?

@Cherrytree86 they are not babies!

Feel so sorry for OP’s kids, the poor babies

YANBU. Your DCs sound spoilt and uncharitable. They’ll be home for 2-3 weeks, would it kill them to have a lonely woman come over for Christmas lunch for 3 hours? Teach them it’s not all about them, it’s your house and they don’t get to dictate. Don’t consult them on this stuff in future.

The main point for me is that it’s just OP’s recent friend and the kids don’t know her! At all! She is not their friend in the slightest.

She’s a literal stranger to them on one of the most family based days of the year. They don’t want to do “polite company” behaviour and I don’t blame them!

It would be very different if it was Auntie Beryl or Mum’s lifelong Bestie who they’ve known since they were born and has been in their house every week for years having a chat.

Being kind doesn't mean 'be kind no matter what', so you can leave the ridiculous, gimmicky hashtag out of it that instead attempts to eradicate thinking beyond yourself.

Things change. Friends can require loving support. The 'kids' are adults.

Barring all three days is also completely unreasonable.

It's funny how all the #bekind brigade are so brazenly unkind to OPs children.

Your house, your rules. Personally I'd be really disappointed at 'children' this age to be so cold hearted.

I also hate the be kind ethos. Sheila should be kind and understand these kids troubles the last few christmases and not wish to have their mother break her promise to them. But more than anything the op should be kind to her own children and keep her promise. Not be kind to her mate and break it. I’m still a little agog someone wrote the op was the nicest one as she wanted to break her promise to prioritise Sheila. Sheila who can spend the day volunteering, Sheila who can book a break away at a spa or luxury hotel. Sheila who has other options.

@ToeJob Tbf, I can’t see this Shelia issue causing a family rift unless the family is already rife with tensions. Nor can I see the young adults refusing to interact with Shelia if she did come-unless they’ve got problems that the OP hasn’t mentioned. Most people simply aren’t that rude.

But, now that the OP has fully explained the drunken situation last Christmas, I can see why they don’t want a guest this year.

Exactly this. The “Why can’t they be kind? Where is their empathy? I would be horrified if my children did this” crowd seem to have had an irony bypass. They’re all desperate to show off how lovely and welcoming they would be to poor Sheila; how saving her from the trauma of Being All Alone at Christmas™ - a fate comparable to losing a limb if you listen to some Mumsnetters - is FAR more important than their own selfish enjoyment. But they refuse to show even the most basic kindness towards or empathy for the OP’s children. They had a crap Christmas last year and just wanted a nice, relaxing day this year with their parents, rather than being on their best behaviour and trying to make small talk with a complete stranger. Is it really that much to ask?

The same goes for the “I wouldn’t be asking them; I’d be TELLING them” crew. Acting like two youngsters actually wanting to enjoy themselves in their own home - and it IS still their home - is some kind of crime. Encouraging OP to say “You’re basically here under my sufferance, I’ll do what I please and it’s tough luck if you don’t like it” - what a shitty way that would be to treat her children.

People who announce “My way or the highway” usually do so knowing the other person/people has little choice. And that’s exactly the position the OP’s children are in. Most university students aren’t in a position to find an alternative, especially less than six weeks before Christmas. All the people gleefully telling OP to put her foot down know that.

But there are two things they haven’t allowed for here. One - just because OP might be able to insist on Sheila’s presence, she can’t be sure her kids will play ball. What’s to stop them barely speaking to her; from going off to their rooms or out to the pub immediately after lunch? Not only do they have a miserable time, but Sheila - the person it’s apparently vital to hashtag bekind to - does too, as she now knows very well she wasn’t wanted. Two - their parents’ home won’t be the only option forever for the OP’s children. What if in years to come they decide to spend it in their own homes without inviting their parents, or to go off on holiday? I bet then the same people who are telling OP “Do what YOU want; they are being selfish!!!” would be slating the kids for doing the same thing.

You’re a naughty drip feeder @Blizzardofleaves. I would’ve have understood your DC’s reluctance more if you’d explained why your SIL and family got steaming last year- I assumed they got falling over drunk because they’re thoughtless hosts, not because they were dealing with a medical diagnosis. No wonder last Christmas was upsetting.

OP, out of curiosity, why didn’t your family leave last year’s Christmas gathering when it turned unpleasant?

I have a very small family in this country, it is literally just my parents and siblings, (all other aunts uncles cousins and other relations do not live anywhere near.)
So, I'm very close to my immediate family,

But we were raised to believe that although Christmas is for family, the definition of family can be extended.
And when you have a friend who's alone, (even if every single person in the family doesn't know that friend), it's a kindness to invite them for christmas.
(Editing to add that for Christmas doesn't mean your friend has to come and stay at your house and spend 48 hours in your company type of thing, I mean making the time to see her and spend time with her and making your friend feel special over Christmas)

If your kids were in primary school or secondary school, you might be able to forgive them for being selfish at Christmas and only thinking about themselves and their own needs but they are adults and they are in University and they must realize that being grown up is hard.

Being in University they must realize that there are kids at their school who can't go home for christmas, who won't see their family.
And what if your kids weren't able to come home for some reason, then THEY would be the ones alone for christmas. Show some freaking empathy for Pete's sake. University years isn't just for putting your nose in a book and earning a piece of paper at the end.
University is about higher learning.
And this is a lesson that they should learn.

Yeah I'm not one of those cool types that would brush off an experience like that as one of those hilarious family memories. Not that I'd call it traumatising but definitely a case of let's do next year completely differently.

Oh god I have! I’ve spend it in the company of the chain smoking boyfriend of an aunt that was quite obviously into younger girls at us, I’ve spent it with parents that hate one another after my Mum told me I had ruined Christmas for daring to mention to my Dad on Christmas Eve that I felt like my Mum didn’t like me, I’ve spent it with my Nan drinking too many snowballs and crying about her own Mum that had been dead at least a decade and also with an alcohol uncle. Actually, typing that out, I think it’s probably good that the OP’s kids are more sensitive, it probably means they’re not damaged yet. There a lot to be said for dealing with shit like that though, I’m literally bulletproof, you couldn’t ruin for Christmas for me if you tried be us I don’t have feelings 😂

There's a big difference between someone getting tipsy and cooking a crap lunch, and someone being so drunk that they're aggressive / incapable / unpleasant to be around.

I think perhaps it's easy to think 'Oh, we've all seen Auntie Susan get a bit silly on the sherry and mess up the Christmas dinner' but I suspect perhaps you haven't experienced the other side of the 'drunk at Christmas' coin where things become nasty and depressing and people are aggressive, upset, crying, breaking things etc.

I am taking it that neither of you have spent Christmas Day in the home of an obnoxious drunk. Lunch taking too long is very different to that

I had a christmas like this and it was my mother doing this - she did it when I was a child. We never, and won’t ever, go to hers for Christmas dinner again. She’s welcome at ours whenbI can call a cab when she’s had too many but I’d never put my children through that again.

Quite. Unless someone gets significantly hurt, these kind of events are the stuff of family folklore. Not to be dwelled upon for years afterwards.

I know you have not expressed it like that. Other posters have used words like ‘disastrous’ and other extreme language when describing the effect on them. Your posts have been pretty measured in my point of view and you have been reflective and considered when making decisions. Some other people here have lost the plot, not you.