Adult dc protesting about friend coming for Xmas

How very small is the window when we get to do as we like at Xmas.
Being a child - we do what our parents tell us
Being a young adult in twenties - can do as we like
Then comes being indebted to either go to elderly parents or in-laws or host our own adult children.
Then children have their own children and don’t want to come home or go to their in-laws.

What a squeezed middle this is. I think it is really out of order for them to block Boxing Day and quite honestly I am sick of dependents (old and young) thinking they have the veto.

Do what you like.

I appreciate that they might want a more intimate Christmas, but I do think they're being unreasonable. As a compromise, could she come on Boxing Day?

Christmas Day is fine, but not sure DC should be blocking Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. Are they not seeing friends over Christmas, do they not go out with mates on Christmas Eve?

Does your friend even want to come? I would much rather be on my own than join another family’s Christmas lunch.

I would maybe feel ok about joining for drinks in the evening but I wouldn’t want to join in their lunch which is their family time, especially if family are coming back home from living away

I would feel very much in the way, wouldn’t feel comfortable and be worried that others would be uncomfortable about me being there too

If I was in your friends position I would be getting all of the M&S party range in, some nice PJs and have a day to myself

A lot depends on how much space you have. Can you get out of each other's way once the eating is done? Your DC may also want to consider whether there may be a time in the future that they want to help a friend out at Christmas and include them in your day.

My friend is going through a horrific divorce and when I found out her teens were at their Dads all boxing day I informed my family she was coming.

I ended up with a mate of SIL one year for Christmas dinner who spoke no English except please and thank you. A great time was had by all but I like hosting and the translating across the table and attempts at communication added to the experience, my attempts at animal impressions to describe the 3 meats on offer for instance,

I suppose we all have our personalities and if you are a bit precious about stuff, very quiet or a bit of mardy arse then that’s what you are. There are various reasons why people don’t want company.

How drunk were in laws? as long as not abusive I would probably be laughing to DH how they made twats of themselves. We still laugh about the worst soup in the world my MIL served on Boxing Day once.

I think a Boxing Day with Sheila would be what I would be doing.

Odd. On the other thread where OP doesn't want to go to her parents because the neighbour is going, she's being told she's selfish and doesn't understand the spirit of Christmas.

On this one everyone (most) are saying the DCs are absolutely right to say they want Christmas to be just family and not have Sheila there.

I'm confused.

Sounds like you can spend a lot of time with your friend when your DC are at uni. Surely you make the most of this time with them. You promised them all year a fuss free Christmas just the four of you, of course they’re going to feel put out having a total stranger shoehorned in.

This. Either of my parents would've come up with the line" don't like it , don't come" Simple as.

I really can't imagine any of my lot having come up with that sort of thing and they really would've be cut down pretty sharpish if they'd tried

Boxing day was always a day for visiting in our family. It's your home I don't think they should get to ban you for having a friend over. She won't be like your drunk in-laws anyway.

It's totally up to you since it's your house but I don't think your dc are being unreasonable. If I was them, I would feel the same. Presumably, it is still their home so I would give them their 3 days.
For people who fall into the 'more the merrier' category it may seem hard to understand. But a lot of people would just hate to have someone they don't know invited into their family christmas.
So much so, that I wouldn't attend if it was me. I'd find myself somewhere else to go.
Can you invite your friend in the run up to Xmas or one of the day between Xmas and New Year. Perhaps arrange a day out together and leave your DC at home in peace.

This is ridiculous.

It's your kids home. Yes, it belongs to you, but it's their home (or at least they should feel like this). It's so perfectly reasonable to not want strangers at home at all, but especially on Christmas.

Is your friend more important to you then your kids' feelings?

You said you’d promised them a family Christmas so I’m not totally shocked they are surprised by you floating a stranger (to them) coming. So I think you’ve tied yourself it knots if you’d already committed to the day being a certain way if they’re coming home for it. More the merrier is great when everyone gets along, less so when it’s an absolute stranger to most of the family and you’re sort of on ceremony with in your home.

Save Christmas Day for family and invite your friend on Boxing Day.

In general some people have the kind of Christmas where it's easy to accommodate extra people and some people don't. In the case of adult kids home from Uni they want quiet family time and it's reasonable of them to ask for that. If they're only back for a short time do you really want them feeling uncomfortable for a significant portion of that?

Will Sheila want to be around your children for Christmas when she can't see hers? She might prefer to do something completely different rather than be the odd one out at your table.

There's bound to be a compromise where you can spend time with your friend over the Christmas period without making your children feel they've been deprioritised.

I had something similar but the opposite way round which thankfully resolved itself. I offer to host Christmas every year and my mother always insists she will host it, which is fine. A couple of years ago it looked like my friend was going to be on her own at Christmas. I asked if she could join us and my mother said no. Thankfully it resolved itself but I had been planning to just invite everyone over to mine and let them pick because honestly I think it's really poor form to leave someone on their own over Christmas and very much against the spirit of it.

I personally feel that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and most of Boxing Day should be kept just for family, especially as last year was so miserable. Your kids are looking forward to coming home, to familiarity. I do think that Boxing Day evening could be a possibility though. In our family this is when extended family get together.

OP, if your DC have put a moratorium in Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day, then why not go out with your friend before your DC get home, and have her round to yours on the 27th? I fail to believe you’re her only friend! It will change the dynamic, having another person, and your DC have in their heads (as most DC do) some mythical view of the “perfect” Christmas that they are hoping for. As they are coming home from university and will not, I assume, be home for that long, then give them the three days over Christmas. As the friend, incidentally, I would absolutely not want to go to a house with DC when I was being separated from my own DC. You promised your DC a family Christmas, and I think you owe it to them to give it to them, especially as they don’t know this “Sheila”.

Presumably they are at home a number of days after that too? If so I really think in these circumstances, as a one off you could have your friend over for lunch/ afternoon tea on Christmas Eve surely? Or go out with you on Boxing Day even. Your DC may be tired but you’re not asking them to do anything other than a bit of light conversation. I dare say they’re planning on meeting friends themselves too, you don’t expect them to be with you every minute presumably.

Before you know it they’ll be doing their own thing, maybe in their own homes. You’d not expect them to run guest invites by you then ? I understand it’s slightly different , as they are still living at home. But asking them to extend a little kindness, when it’s something you want to do isn’t a big ask is it? It’s one of the things we learn to do as adults. If you want to do this you should. You’ll almost certainly regret it if you don’t

How about you pop out to see Shelia on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, either for coffee, mince pies or a walk. I’m sure the kids will be happy to sleep in and won’t miss you.

I would also dislike having someone I didn't know round for actual Christmas Day, however a fair compromise is to invite Sheila round on Boxing Day for mince pies and mulled wine!

I would ask Sheila round for coffee and mince pies on Christmas Day, at about 4pm. By then your dc will have had their Christmas.

Yes, I think a few people are missing that this is supposed to be the "at home with family" Christmas. For all we know it's back to the in-laws again next year.

By the time I was in third year of uni I'd met my now-husband and got a retail job in my uni town so I didn't even go home for Christmas for a few years. OP might want to enjoy while it lasts.

when you say they're put a line through Xmas eve and boxing day too, does that mean they're absolutely not going out with friends etc or without you?

@Blizzardofleaves how much time did DC spend with you over Christmas last year?