Christmas money for adult grandchildren

sister has given her gift lists for the partners of working age grandchildren and insisted she buys them presents too

Sister would be told if SHE wants to buy presents for partners of working age grandchildren SHE can, but not to instruct other people to do so. Spending other peoples money comes far too easy to some people.

Agreed op. You should speak to your sister. This is an issue she needs to work through with her own children.

Teaching them that the elderly are not cash cows but precious in their own right, I would totally lose my shit with my own children if they ever behaved in such a grabby way around other people. I would not hold back, and nor should she.

There are times when we compromise, practice acceptance and understand differences - and this is not one of them.

What about changing it to a hamper for each family to share and enjoy? This takes away from the specific gifts thats getting out of control. It's nice you're listening and supporting your mother. Help her by getting the hampers perhaps the M&S ones? We have those and they're lovely, with a bottle of wine, crackers, crisps, chocolate and biscuits. We eat them for Christmas tea! I understand she's struggling with your sister, who's being massively unreasonable. Try and advocate for your elderly mum who's actually being financially controlled by your sister!

I speak from experience as my sister is the same, turns up at our elderly father's and demands £50 per child, even for her new boyfriends children who aren't even present nor known by us (her partners change rapidly). I nipped this in the bud by buying a hamper from Cadbury for each family, and left them at his house. She refused to collect them 2 years ago as she preferred cash! But it's stopped her asking!

My side of the family we only do presents at all for under 18s. We do charity gifts from each immediate family group to the others. So much less stress and consternation. So I'd heartily recommend 18 as a cut-off.

If she wants to stop, she can and should. The only time cash gifts are acceptable are if the giver can a) afford them, and b) wants to give them. Your sister is wrong to try to influence the decision in this situation.

I’m 63 and my sister is 59. My aunt and uncle still give us little envelopes each plus one each for our three children between us and their partners

My Nan used to give her 4 adult grandkids £30 each. I got an extra little small box of stocking fillers as I was the only granddaughter. Little things like gloves, socks, a diary etc. None of the boys minded at all that it was my nans special thing for me.

I agree, these are wise words. And op, your mum is really driving a wedge between you and your sister. When she says she was hysterical what did that look and sound like, it’s a very extreme word, I’d say crying screaming and shouting , was that what happened? She was screaming/crying about it? Really?

are you traditionally the peacemaker, the sensible one?

I’m in 2 minds about it really.

On the one hand, I can see why a grandparent might want to scale down gifts to working adults who aren’t short of money. Especially if there are 2 adults in a relationship really splashing the cash on holidays and renovations etc.

On the other hand, it seems as though your mum has plenty of money, so I don’t really see why she wouldn’t want to give a working grandchild a cash gift. I’m quite certain that even a millionaire would be very pleased with granny giving them £100 for Christmas.

Let’s say she previously gave X £100. Now X is with Y, she could just address the £100 in a card to X and Y.

Not for a few years at least, and if the mother is very elderly it is likely the gifts for all children will stop in a few years anyway and before the OPs kids age out

My FIL (only one of that generation still alive) said he stops giving any gifts as soon as the kids turn 18. Fine he’s got quite a number of grandkids. Except when he told me I smiled inwardly as I can’t say they were ever that generous and several years they never gave any gifts at all.
I’d say 21 is a decent cut off. I didn’t get gifts from my parents after that unless I was spending the holiday with them, my kids did when little but they had both died before my kids hit 10/12.

Inheritance will be an interesting issue in this kind of family I suspect

No way - time to throw your hat in and confront your sister as to what she thinks she's playing at!

Your poor mum needs supporting with her decisions. It’s grossly unfair of your sister to bully her over this. As a family you need to stick up for your mum. Your sister needs to get a grip. She might need help to see the error of her ways. Make sure you have other family members onboard with this, so it can be tackled in strength. I’m sorry but your sister is mean, grabby and a bully.

Bloody hell this is crazy! My mum is elderly and she no longer buys presents for anyone! We still buy for her even though she says not to. She is not shy about handing back anything she doesn't like.

Op, I would advise mum to just stop buying altogether. She is at an age where she shouldn't have this mental load on her.

OP’s children are also going to be included in this decision, so how is it easier?

The bullying of your mother isn't on, but I also think it's very easy to take your position when it isn't your own kids being disadvantaged or missing out.

Your sister is bullying her mother. This needs to stop. You are over compensating for your sister. This needs to stop. You should buy for your mother because YOU want to spoil her, not because you want to OUTDO your sister.