To take the money??

Id take the money for the DC
And I'd have to come up with some sort of story to tell DC about where the money had come from - if DSis doesn't want them to know. Lottery win or something.

My only issue would be if the money pot gets spent by you/DS and then in two years time for what ever reason your DD doesn't get her pot (family fall out, death, divorce whatever) as that would be awful so I'd be tempted to keep quiet to DS about the sum until DD got her trust. I'd discuss all this with my DSis to keep them in the loop may be couching it in terms of DS needing to be more mature (whether he does or not!) or release small amounts for eg a car

I don't think it's your money to refuse. I guess you could ask your sister to hang on to it for longer until your kids find something they could use it for rather than squandering it on holidays and clothes. But ultimately if you do decide to hang on for it until they say need a house deposit you don't need to tell anyone and it could be you or her that hangs on to it.

The whole "secrecy" issue would worry me more. Keeping stuff secret from your spouse and your other family members, that is not a good way to go. Secrets have a habit of escaping and when they do it could cause chaos.

I'm pretty sure of the responses and how it would go if there was a thread "my husband is hiding money from me for purpose x".

I don’t see how it’s ’sort of’ your money.

My reading ability clearly exceeds your manners.

Also OP, if you really want to refuse, but don't want to send it back to her, you can give it to me, and almost 40 year old millennial from a working class background who has saved every penny since she was 22, and still can't afford a decent house in the cheapest areas in the country!!

It's yours to manage, not to refuse.

Personally I'd want to do a comparison between the benefits of paying off a student loan early, vs putting it into a house deposit.

Me too. This thread just makes me really angry! I can't stand it when people have this attitude towards money as if it's unimportant.

Keep most of it invested for a future deposit, take some of it to pay the parental contribution for university.

Do take out student loans, it's a cheap debt and he may never need to pay it off. Even if he doesn't need the money, he can put it in an ISA and get the interest.

Don't tell your DS and DD! And clarify with your sister that she won't tell them either. Glad to hear she's sensible enough to not hand it over to an 18 yo.

You need real financial advice from someone qualified though.

She did it for your children not, sounds like you are struggling with the thought she did it and you didn’t.

Keep quiet to those who don't need to know. Take the money, for your children. Your children will benefit hugely - that is all that matters. Your sister is incredibly thoughtful.

Absolutely take the money - you can't deprive your children of this hugely thoughtful and generous thing their aunt has done for them. The fact that she hasn't told her DH and doesn't want you to share this with wider family shows that she's done this for completely genuine and non-performative reasons too. That's what family should be about.

Crikey - take the money! I think you're mad to even consider not letting your kids benefit from this generous gift.

We had something similar not quite as much money but quite substantial, an uncle just included a huge cheque in my DD's birthday card. We rang him up thinking it was a mistake (added too many 0s!), but no it was for her. She just put it in the bank and kept it in savings. Six figures may have been different, perhaps keep it invested for him until he's 21, and use some of it to avoid university loans and to pay the fees and other expenses.

I think it's a lovely thing for your sister to have done. It'll help your kids out so much and I think you really do have to take the money.

However. I do understand why you feel a bit blindsided. I think it would have been better if your sister had had a quiet word with you about it when she set it up, so you knew her intention. I have extremely wealthy in-laws and I can completely imagine them offering my kid/their GC large sums of money or luxury cars etc as an adult - this would make me uncomfortable because I know from experience there would absolutely be strings attached. I think if your relationship with you sister is mostly good and simple, then you probably don't have too much to worry about in that respect.

How nice of your sister! I would take it but keep it to get them through uni and started in life with a deposit for a flat.

Also, given BiL’s unpleasant nature, this is a much needed way for your sister to exercise some control in her life.

I would let it stay put, not mentioning it because of family jealousy.

As and when DS and DD raised concerns about money, I’d release some to them without telling them where it’s from. It may mean they don’t need to get a job at Uni, for example, if you can send them an extra £200 a month.

Don’t tell one without the other as it’s a hard secret to keep.

When one of them is ready to buy a house, tell them both and give them the option of adding to it as a deposit, or paying off some student loan, or a bit of each.

It will be clearer by then which is the right way to go.

I’d probably put some into a LISA in their names as well.

Ive heard although money doesn't buy you happiness, it does make things easier so if they can have an easy start to life then it's a no brainer!

OP, your DS has dine a really lovely thing for your DC, so take the money and keep it in trust until they need it for a deposit on a house or flat. It would be rude to your sister, and unnecessarily disadvantaging to your DC to do anything other than accept it with good grace. It’s your DS’s money to do with ans she likes, and it’s what she wants.

I'd definitely accept it for my children. I'd also get financial advice as it may have inheritance tax issues (twice over? From your sister to you and then you to your children? Perhaps the trust covers that??). I wouldn't think twice about making life easier for my children - what a lovely sister! And, as to secrets, MOH doesn't know about my savings - sometimes you have to make difficult decisions.

It’s your children’s money, don’t refuse it!

I would save it for a house deposit for them.

she might but you're being incredibly unfair on your kids. sorry you're renting and have huge student debt but I felt awkward resolving those issues with an act of genuine kindness and love.

you need to think what you'll tell the kids if they aren't to mention it to uncle or other aunt, but I think you shouldn't put your own discomfort ahead of the benefits to your kids.

given how much it is, I'd look at splitting it unequally 3 ways. a small pot for the Summer - do they want to travel? learn to drive? etc. Then cover a huge chunk of Uni fees and leave a decent amount left invested until they're older. then either release for a deposit or in it's entirety at 20whatever

I'm assuming that neither of your children are aware of the existence of this money? If this is the case, then don't tell them. I'd personally reinvest the money for at least another 5 years. It will make a very good deposit on a property for them, in the future. Being able to earn enough to buy a property, is going to become tougher in my opinion. It will give your children, a good starting point. I understand you feel awkward about keeping the knowledge of the money from your sister. However, if you do tell her, all that's going to do is cause your other sister and yourself grief. It's not worth it.

Why are you agonising over this? It's got nothing to do with you. You sister has chosen to gift some money to your children when they're adults. You're just the administrator, because your sister rightly thought that giving a young person a lot of money could be potentially ruinous and/or a waste. Why on earth would you return it? Of course you wouldn't. Are you looking for some sort of moral issue (where there isn't one) or trying to present some weird reverse inferiority/superiority as a humble brag? If you genuinely feel uncomfortable, just remove yourself from the equation and ask your sister to appoint different trustees. It's not that big a deal

I'd let your children struggle through university including accumulating some debt, struggle through securing a job, and struggle to set up a home and establish a family. When the time comes to put down a deposit on a family home then release it to them. They need to understand that large amounts of money don't usually fall out of the sky, they need to understand what it is to start from scratch, budget, make sacrifices, work for what they have. It will make them more empathetic people (and also help them grow) and appreciate the value of the gift their aunt has given them.

And tell them not to let their uncle know where this money has come from. VERY weird that your sister hasn't told her husband she's done this.

Your sister has done a lovely thing and I would take it in the spirit it is offered and take the money. It will be a huge help to your kids I'm sure.
It's rather nice to hear from someone who has a rich relative who is doing the nice thing by sharing their good fortune. So many people seem to be more like your BIL.