Jealous of friend's engagement

😂😂😂
Yeah, but imagine wanting to initiate things happening in your life, rather than waiting for the man to give you options! 😂

It's not only the decision of the man. She gets to say 'yes' or 'no.'

Quite. Thank you for clarifying your answer.
However, if a woman wants to get married and the man has said nothing, then I don't see a problem with a woman proposing. We're not in the '50s, and I think that social mores have progressed.
The problem would be with their lack of communication about their situation and her passive approach to their future together. Hence my (and others') suggestion of a proposal. The decision to marry should not be in the gift of the man.
In my opinion.

I said exactly what I wanted to say in that particular comment and meant what I said. A woman proposing to a man is cringewortthy. To expand, does that mean they can't (or shouldn't) have an adult conversation about what they want in life? Of course not. Ideally, if marriage at some point was important to her, she should have had that conversation with him from the get-go so that they were on the same page. Waiting around ten years for him to figure it out by himself wasn't a great plan at all.

It's strange. Stranger still how other women are supportive of a very passive role in this.

You didn't indicate at any point that there should be an adult conversation. You said that her proposing to him would be "cringe" .
Perhaps you agree that a woman taking these matters in to her own hands, or at least having a say would be an adult thing to do.

Play Beyoncé "Single Ladies" on repeat 🎶

How can you be 10 years into a relationship and not know whether marriage is on the cards or not?

Have you not had conversations about it at any point? Maybe when you decided to move in together?

Life isn't a fairytale. In a real life relationship you have discussions, plan your future, set your expectations of what you want from life.

You can't just sit around waiting to what you want to fall in your lap.

Of course there should be a conversation, that's not what I meant.

And thanks for your correction, but technically I was using "cringe" in a more verbal sense, not as an adjective.

Like this: rolls eyes.

Have you actually talked about marriage? Dh and I sat down and talked about wanting to be married (we had some help because it was necessary for immigration reasons), when we’d want to be married by, when we’d get engaged so that we could get married by the time we decided. We had these conversations probably 1-1.5 years into our relationship, engaged at 2.5 years and married at 3 years. We were mid to late 20s at the time.

There was no waiting around for a proposal. It was very planned out and discussed between us from early on.

I suppose you can't argue with someone who thinks marriage is something in men's gift that they may graciously bestow on a woman patient enough to wait it out. Wake up, @Wishimaywishimight. You have the vote and everything.

This. It does seem strange to be so passive, and just let a man make the big decision about your future.

Why are you behaving like a backseat passenger in your own life??? You want to get married, get married.

This. I always find the "just propose to him" a bit baffling.

Like it or not, men traditionally propose to women (where a proposal takes place). Men are aware of this. If a man hasn't proposed after 10 years it is surely because he does not want to marry the person he is with.

Personally, I think the momentum has shifted after a decade and a proposal is highly unlikely.

After all these years together, you must have discussed the future, and marriage?

Why is it "cringe"(worthy)?
It's a ludicrous imbalance of power if the decision to marry is solely in the hands of the man.
I thought we were all past that.

i felt like you do OP. Watching other people get engaged made my heart hurt with jealousy and sadness. I thought that every special moment would be the one he’d get down on one knee and felt upset every time when it didn’t happen. I had waited 10 years for a proposal that never came so decided to take it into my own hands and propose to him. We got married 3 months later!

Exactly, someone who wants to put a ring on it and worries about loosing you! I feel like I hold a pretty traditional view, but I don't think we should be doing the chasing! Let us have our moment where he makes us feel special and valued. I start to roll my eyes, is it just another thing women are now expected to do 🙄 takes away the spark to me xx

This is it, I would always believe that he didnt want to, sorry if that makes me unmodern! You deserve someone who cant go on without telling the world that you are his wife! xx

I agree. I think you should communicate what you want, that you are looking at a marriage commitment but I'm not one to have to ask the man. I probably wouldn't bother if it got to the point where I have to ask tbh. It would just feel like his heart wasn't in it. You told him you want to be married and if he wanted to, he would.

ridiculous. Do it. So at least you know what is next for you
Strangers can cringe as much they want, we got the husbands because we asked.

He doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he would have. There's a high likelihood that when you finally get sick of him and kick him to the curb, he'll have proposed to his new gf within 6 months. I've yet to come across a man who doesn't believe in marriage when the one he wants to marry comes along. He's a complete AH for stringing you along this long though.

Please don’t propose to him.
find a therapist and heal. Heal yourself, and get clear on what you really want.
it will help you figure out if you want the life you’ve built without the proposal and marriage, or if you really want and need to have that proposal.

here’s the source this advice is coming from: I spent years feeling that longing to be chosen .. had a beautiful Disney proposal, with a gorgeous ring that I had all design input into custom creating.
the man I thought I wanted to spend my life with abandoned me three weeks before the wedding.
I went to therapy for years (still going), and healed that part of me that needed to be “chosen” so badly.
so this advice is coming from an understanding of both sides.

I would not give my peaceful, self-choosing life up for any man unless he enhanced it; I would not enter into marriage at all lightly, unless it was necessary (it does provide some protection for children, I think.)

do you need marriage?
jealousy is a signpost, showing you what you want, but beyond the romantic moment - past that one moment, that one day that is now over for that couple, there are a lot of decisions, and a lot of practical choices to make that are everything but romantic.

if you pinpoint to yourself what it is exactly that you want, you might gain some clarity as to whether this is the man you wish to stay with, or if it’s a better decision to end it and meet someone who values what you value.

I am torn about this. You say you’ve built a beautiful life tougher, but at the same time you’ve been “waiting” for a decade?! does he know this? I don’t think it’s a sign of a good partner if he knows this and just is content to withhold a step you need for your well being and happiness.

you need to find out more information, and take an action step, not spend another decade waiting.
proposing to him won’t solve this; you’ll always know it didn’t come from him, and that’s maybe the root of the pain.

What’s cringey about it? Are grown women not allowed to ask a man to marry them then?

You need to have a frank conversation with your partner, now!
If you want to get married but he doesn't then you are not compatible long-term. You will become resentful and that feeling will turn into hatred.
Did he say he wanted to marry you in the beginning and now he's just drifted into comfort territory knowing that you will just play along? If so, this is a massive red flag. I bet he said that he would like children too but I'm guessing thats being put on the back-burner too......??
Been there OP, it'll only get worse then you will realise you've wasted years of your life with someone who wants completely different things. Its also a passive way of controlling you. Make sure you recognise that is what's happening here