And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

Oh my god I want to wash my eyes out with fairy liquid after reading that part about the dead wife's knickers 😭 🧼 🤢

Given your background, I'm astonished you would have sent a message like that to this so very recent widower?
I'm honestly not trying to victim blame, but really?
Such nievity!

@MungoforPresident There's no issue with pushing someone away if you need time and space for yourself.

What many people don't realise is that men are far more emotional than women. Men fall in love very easily, and feel love very intensely. Men are desperate to find relationships and to have someone to keep them company. Men are hurt far more by heartbreak. Unfortunately, this is the reason why so many men may exhibit desperate and clingy behaviour, when not being mindful of how women might perceive them.

You let a stranger that you 'didn't know at all' into your house and for such a huge chunk of time?

You sound very kind but you've been a bit daft.

You led him on OP who on earth entertains a neighbour for 9 hours ! Bizarre

My dad got engaged to a neighbour 3 months after mum died. What made matters worse is she had the same name as my mum! My dad was not someone who could stand to be alone, but god, it was awful, but not as awful as when he phoned me up, stressed, to tell me he couldn't get it up and where could he get viagra. I am so not joking.. I tactfully said that perhaps it's because mum just died and his 'grieving' was stopping him. Never did like my dad much! 😁

Wasn't there a thread on here recently where a woman in her 50s was nice to the old bloke (80s) next door, he had just been widowed and she liked his wife and she went over for a chat because "he must be lonely". And the next day, he came to her door with a pair of his wife's knickers and said she should wear them when she came over and they'd have some fun 😬 😬 😬

My stepfather was also dating within 6 weeks of my mother's funeral. It felt really off and disrespectful and I've never looked at him the same since.

This is the first thread I have created, so be gentle, ha.

Okay, I saw a post on Facebook from a neighbour I did not know at all, saying how lonely he was since the death of his wife six weeks ago. Lots of people were saying nice things but I know, having suffered many deaths, that what he probably needed was company and a mind diversion for a few hours.

I said he was welcome for a cuppa at mine, stressing it would be friends only, that I am not looking for a relationship at all (and I hoped that as he was only six weeks bereaved, finding someone else would not be on his mind).

He came over the next day, and spent a massive eight hours here, by which time I was way past my work start time but as I am self-employed and we were getting on great and with many interests in common, I didn't make an issue of it.

After he left, I very quickly received a message asking, 'Please please, can we do that again as soon as possible?' and by the next morning, a message saying, 'I am waiting like a kid at Christmas for your reply!'

He also told me he was going to be working next door to me on the Monday morning, obviously dropping this news into the chat so I could say, 'Why don't you pop in?' Of course, I did not say that or give any encouragement, from which he should have deduced I wasn't into the idea of meeting again so soon.

I also had the feeling he had somehow 'engineered' the work next door to me as he never mentioned that during the Saturday meet-up.

The first time I had seen him was on the Saturday, when he'd arrived at 1pm and left at half past nine in the evening. Bit long for a cup of tea!

I reponded to his messages without showing the same ardour (the ardent messaging was already giving me the heebie jeebies, giving vibes that he saw me as more than a friend) but I said we could meet up again when I was next free, but that he should be aware I worked a lot.

I stressed I'd let him know when I was off work, and that we could go out and do an activity. I again stressed 'It is nice to meet local friends.'

Incidentally, I really do work a lot, usually around 12-14 hours a day, each day, except Saturdays when normally, I go out with an archaeology group. After that, I always work through on the Saturday night/Sunday morn to catch up.

I also told him that I was about to work an all-nighter from Sunday eve to Monday morning, and that on Monday, I was going to be out on a job all night so needed to catch up on sleep between Sunday night and Monday daytime.

Anyway!

It came to half past nine this morning and there were a few knocks on the door. I had expected it to be a parcel delivery so I answered. AAAAGH! There he was, standing hopping foot to foot, waiting to be invited in!

I was bloody angry and said I had just worked nights and he'd woken me up, which was true, and I'd dragged myself from bed looking like Worzel Gummidge. I must have looked both horrific and horrified!

He was waving two coffees about, which he'd bought at a local garage. I don't even drink coffee and said so, then that I had to go as I needed sleep because I am tonight working all night on a difficult task just as I'd told him. And I closed the door on him.

I was both mortified and embarrassed that he'd put me in that position. What a $$$$ing idiot!

To top it off, I checked the members' names, and he has gone and joined the same club I am a member of, where we go out on Saturdays. So now, I have to expect him to show up there as well. He actually was a member of it two years ago before I joined, and he did not like it. The first thing he told me was how bad it was, trying to get me to opt out of it.

I am in two minds about whether I should message the organiser and ask them to boot him out as he only rejoined the minute after leaving here on the Saturday night!

That's the last time I feel sorry for a bereaved male neighbour which is a shame. I have several male friends who don't behave like this and have never shown up at the door. They wouldn't dream of it!

AIBU to have no tolerance for him showing up like that, and to not contact him again despite his messages still coming on Facebook?

I feel sad that he's lost his wife but it doesn't give him a ticket to stalkerish, creepy behaviour. It's even worse that we have a few good friends in common, and I wonder if he will try to blacken my name for not continuing with the contact.

Having seen how he tried to get me to opt out of the club I am a member of, I would not be surprised.

You let a stranger that you 'didn't know at all' into your house and for such a huge chunk of time?

You sound very kind but you've been a bit daft.

I would speak to some of the people you mutually know, and say:

'I've ballsed up here, I was just trying to be kind and now he's like a fucking limpet - I don't want to upset him but I do only have the odd half an hour free each week for a brew... you know him, what would you say?'

That way you're getting in there first with that side of things.

If you bump into him at the club, treat him like everyone else and if he angles for an invite to yours after you can tell him, ideally in front of others, that you're very busy as you've used up all your spare time recently and need to get on.

I don't know why you didn't boot him out after an hour the first time, look at your watch 'gosh is that the time, I have an online meeting in 10 minutes... off you pop, take these biscuits I won't finish them' and shovel him out the door!