And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

It boils down to the same thing. They don't or won't hear it when a woman says no. They convince themselves that everything you're doing and saying means the opposite. Clinging to any scrap (real or imagined) of hope that one day you'll accidently shag them and they'll be proved right.
Men rarely want female friends, they view it as the necessary grunt work needed to pave the way to sex

Exactly this. I've made it clear before to men I didnt want to date them right from the very start and I got: "wow!- you certainly think a lot of yourself dont you?"
Then, on other occasions when I havent spelt it out clearly I get the "why did you lead me on? I thought you were interested!"

You cannot win. If you tell them upfront you are either arrogant in their eyes or they dont believe you and think it's some kind of challenge. If you dont spell it out like they are aged 5, they get angry that you have somehow "lead them on". Its infuriating.

Ukefluke
My nuisance turned quite unpleasant when it FINALLY penetrated what seemed to be selective deafness, that I wasn't interested.
I don't know if he wasn't hearing or was hearing but choosing to ignore and wear me down.
He assumed I was being hard to get, rather than just not interested.

They seem to think they're in with a chance with any woman they take a liking to.

*Just wanting to be friends is seen as a challenge.
*Consistently turning them down is you playing hard to get. Why would anyone pretend not to be interested in someone they fancy? Makes no sense.
*Or as a PP said, you're hiding your true feelings for them. Again, why? What's the point of that?
*A cup of tea, a quick chat in the post office queue or like PP, lending a step ladder, all must mean you want to shag them.
*Sadly, being allowed to stay for eight hours also means you're going to get laid. You can now turn up unannounced with unwanted coffee, even though your neighbour works nights.

It boils down to the same thing. They don't or won't hear it when a woman says no. They convince themselves that everything you're doing and saying means the opposite. Clinging to any scrap (real or imagined) of hope that one day you'll accidently shag them and they'll be proved right.

Men rarely want female friends, they view it as the necessary grunt work needed to pave the way to sex.

Yep.

I mentioned my stepfather above, who was dating within 6 weeks of my mother's funeral, but a worse and clearer example of what you talk about here was my own father. He was a serial cheater who discarded my mother 6 months after she had a near fatal heart attack at the age of 43 (partly from stress because of his cheating). Such a lovely man (not).

My poor mother, to have had the misfortune of partnering up with two such men 😞

Anyway, I still had some contact with my father when the wife of his cousin died of cancer. The cousin, who was also in his 60s, had lost his first wife young to a different cruel disease and had waited a long time to meet his second wife, only to hear the dreadful news 10 years later that she had terminal cancer. After her death and funeral, the cousin told my father how griefstruck he was and my father must have managed (just) to appear sympathetic, because then the poor sad grieving cousin sent Dad another email about how agonising it was, how much he loved and missed his wife, how low and dark he felt. And attached was a rather beautiful poem that cousin had written about his wife for her eulogy.

My father forwarded the email to me, he was all ruffled and irked. He told me, "I'm getting sick of [cousin], he keeps sending me all this nonsense. I told him that there are plenty of fish in the sea and he should go and look for another woman." 😮😬😳😔

I think the wives are beloved. They love having a wife, doesn't need to be the same one forever though. When one departs or divorces they slot in a replacement and keep rolling forward.

Meals cooked? Check
Pants washed? - Check
Live admin sorted? - Check

Normal service resumed

yes, I understand what you were saying. And it’s absolute bollocks.

Helping someone in that kind of situation, without knowing them not their late wife, can be quite tricky, particularly if there is an expectation on your part that you can then disengage at any time, and this will not require you to speak clearly about it in advance.

In general, this is not something I would have considered doing. You could have organised or found some social event with others, not at your house, and proposed he joins too if he needs company.
That would have been more sensible in my opinion.

I think that a lot of men who have had a good marriage partner up again very quickly as they have had it good and dont quite know how to cope alone. Women are more self sufficient and cope better.

Also if he has been in a long marriage he will not have a clue how things work these days. He is probably in the "men do the wooing" mind set from long ago.

I had a nuisance admirer who "wanted to snap me up before somebody else did".
Urg!
Because of course I was a commodity just sitting waiting to be snapped up by a bloke. (Rather an adult who will engage in a relationship of my choosing at a time of my choosing). I don't think he could actually comprehend that a woman "of a certain age" would prefer to have no man rather than the wrong one. I genuinely believe he thought that women are desperate not to be in the shameful state of singleness and should be grateful for any male interest.
Its a very old fashioned way of looking at male female interactions but its not uncommon in older blokes.

My nuisance turned quite unpleasant when it FINALLY penetrated what seemed to be selective deafness, that I wasn't interested. I don't know if he wasn't hearing or was hearing but choosing to ignore and wear me down. He assumed I was being hard to get, rather than just not interested. I was then told that I wasn't getting any younger and would end up "on the shelf without a man if I went on like this. (oh the horror). I believe the term "old maid " was actually used!

Quite. I was reading this thinking "Yes, some of them get 'easily attached' to more than one at a time!

Feel bad for him but he isn’t your problem so you did the right thing putting your foot down. My guess is he’s just latched onto your kindness and thought you could provide reprieve from his grief. He’ll find another way, I’m sure. Joining your group was a bit weird though, I have to say.

If DH leaves me or vice versa, I will never, ever date again. Would be keen on a travelling bloke but not that kind!

@CameltoeParkerBowles love the name

My BFF mentioned upthread gives as good as she gets.

Some of the things on men's dating profiles are well known codes she tells me.

Fit= I like to get naked
Romantic= flowers for a f*ck
Masculine= big member
Fun= sex
Good times = ditto
Happy to travel= looking for sex whilst married
Adventurous= pervert

I could go on. It keeps me entertained😊

Ugh! 🤮. Some useful info there, though.

Oh God! How awful and uncomfortable for you (and your aunt). I'm cringeing just reading this.

I think PP suggestion of speaking to mutual friends about the situation would be helpful, get their support for yourself, and for him if necessary.

He does sound very persistant - maybe you could tell him again you haven’t got the time or skills to offer help to recently bereaved and suggest a bereavement support group such as Cruse .

His comments about cuddles were weird and inappropriate for a new widower. Red flags right there.

The huge red flag was right there. In a group chat only 6 weeks after his wife died, he's talking about missing cuddles and finding someone new?!?!

You've made quite a few immature Carry On style innuendos on your posts, if you speak like that IRL then I'm not surprised he turned up and thinks you're interested.

It comes across that you enjoy the idea of him fancying you.

Men get very easily attached. They are not able to break things off and detach as easily as women

Utter bollocks. If this were true, there wouldnt be a multitude of women who have been left alone to bring up their partner's children. Alone. Far more common for men to leave their families than the other way around- and leaving their CHILDREN too. So much for "they are not able to break things off".

And did he start the conversation by saying, "You look nice, Jackie!'

Not an excuse, but at 6w bereaved he's highly vulnerable and has misread the situation, though I can see that a cuppa lasting 8 hours might mess with his head.

I would write to him. Firmly letting him down and suggesting other places he might find solace. And confirming you won't be inviting him for tea again.

Correct!

My brother graciously and (too) generously said perhaps because he was 72 when mum died that he just went all out because he was afraid to be alone at the end of his own life and, well, didn't know how to be alone after 50+ years of being married?
Going by other peoples experiences on here, I do wonder if my brother was onto something.

Is only thinking with their dicks and the lacking of ability to not cross boundaries now classed as emotions then?

Be brutal, be blunt and tell him to piss off otherwise he'll never leave you alone!