And he showed up unannounced ... after I tried to help him.

This is not a man deeply in love with OP and heartbroken. He has spent one day with her. He wants "cuddles" (a shag). I will give you that he is desperate.

Well clearly it's not, going by the example we're discussing in this thread.

Noooooo! Do NOT do this - telling him you’re happy to have an occasional cup of tea will be a green light for him to come around every flipping day requesting it. You can’t give men like this even a tiny bit of encouragement, he has already proven he’s becoming a pest.

Don't do any of this or ever let him in your house again.

Send him a message along the lines of “I enjoyed spending time with you, but I feel that you have misread the situation and are now coming on too strong. I’m happy to have an occasional cup of tea to support you through this difficult time, but showing up at my house and group etc is too much and is making me uncomfortable.”

Men often try to jump into a relationship after loss to avoid their grief, but you need to draw a firm line

So true! 9 months after my exh and I separated, he was already actively house hunting with his new victim, and they were married I think 7 months after that (or maybe it was 1 year and 7 months at most. Being alone simply not an option for him.

@TheRemainsOfTheDayCream That is utterly horrific, but sadly extremely believable. When my friends (who I used to 'play' with) and I were around 12-13 years old, there were 3 or 4 men in our 34 house street we lived in, who used to shout stuff at us.

When we were on our bicycle, one of them would say 'oooh, I can see your little titties bouncing up and down,' and when we walked past the garden 'oooh, yer a healthy looking lass, won't be long til you get a boyfriend, and let me know if you can't find one. Bet you're a nice kisser!' And one man said to my (11 year old) friend 'have you started your periods yet? Let me know if you want them stopping for 9 months.'

This was the late 1970s/early 1980s, and these 'men' were between 55 and 70. All married. We never told our parents though, as we just thought this is how they speak. We didn't know it was so wrong....... We did know however, that all these men made our skin crawl. Also though, we didn't know if we'd be believed, and that we may be thought of as trouble makers and liars and fantasists, and we were worried that people would very likely believe the 'adult' over the child. (I'm not articulating this very well sorry. I hope you all get me.)

Also, there is a man in my niece's road where she lives with her friend (they rent a 2 bed house together, and have done for about a year..) He keeps making comments about how he likes to see 2 girls together, and it's his fantasy, and do they snuggle together in bed at night, ha ha ha, snigger snigger. 😂

This man is about 82. Also married.

Their poor wives honestly. I reckon they know (on some level) that their husbands are like this, they just ignore it, as they're too afraid to leave, or maybe unable to.

Who the F would be a woman eh?

Sorry you've been through this. I had a similar experience @MungoforPresident. During the pandemic, I offered to do the shopping for the elderly couple next door. The husband (in his 80s) emailed their shopping lists to me, then we started exchanging news. All very friendly. However, he started dropping in inuendos - and then his wife died and the emails became more personal and explicit. He even sent me a Valentine's Day card. It was horrible. He didn't stop until I told him my DH was reading all the emails.

DH and I put so much effort into making sure he and his wife were looked after during the pandemic. We did their shopping, picked up prescriptions, dropped round homemade food... And in return, I received horrible messages from a dirty old man. It still makes me feel sick to think about it.

It has put me off helping people I don't know. That phrase 'No good turn goes unpunished' is so true.

The BFF had one that was clapping between strokes (gym bro).
Poor simple creatures.

See, here's my theory or perhaps just a brain fart I don't know.

Men want to be women, essentially they want the attention that they give to women from women... they don't have that experience of harassment and fear that women grow up with so they have little to no understanding of why we refuse partners or sex.... they don't comprehend the danger of that.
Instead they think we are deliberately withholding sex ( because that's what men would do ) to control men.

They don't even consider that women have a different pov because to them we are not people. They deliberately appropriate their own interpretation to the way women behave as if we are tiny men with holes instead of a meat stick because everything is a competition to them.

They talk to us on DMs or dating sites in overtly sexual ways because that is what they want from women.

I'm sorry I'd responded to the wrong comments - Meant to comment that I completely concur with whomever mentioned the red flags being how this male stressed he misses cuddles so much, so immensely soon, following his wife's passing - How unfeeling & disrespectful towards his poor deceased wife & her memory 😢
Reminds me of some of the awful husbands, on some Lifetime Movies, where some husbands even go so far's to get life insurance on their poor wives, to wickedly benefit themselves 😥🙏

Yes completely concur with you 💚😢

I made the mistake of chatting politely to an acquaintance many years ago. Coming back from the loo my friend nabbed me. While I was away, he'd been telling the group how he 'was getting somewhere' with me despite being told by everyone that I didn't fancy him.

I asked her what made him think that. She said, because you're talking to him......

I was still very young and my mind was blown that a pointless chat about nothing had been interpreted like that. So I said, I can't even talk to a bloke without him thinking I fancy him? She said that was pretty much it, yes.

30 years later it still blows my mind.

Thank you, I am sorry you also had that experience.

What I still dont get is- how on earth can lending a step ladder or taking someone's post in be interpreted as "she totes wants to have sex with me!". Like, HOW? how do they even arrive at that conclusion? It's madness to me, an absolute mental delusion.

I presume these men think every woman serving them at a coffee shop also fancies them because she says please and thank you or that the woman on the checkout at Tescos wants to bang them because she put some of their stuff in a carrier bag for them.

What kind of monumental arrogance does it take to assume such things- it blows my mind.

I feel sorry for any men (or women) who write it innocently not knowing the code!

Urgh. 😖 What a revolting specimen. Sadly, this behaviour is quite common in many men. They just don't like it/can't handle it, that many women are absolutely FINE without a man! And yes, many of them won't take no for an answer, and the attention and 'flattery' from them, turns into something dark and sinister if you have the audacity to turn them down.

Like the bloke/neighbour (in his mid 60s) that I spoke about in my post further back in the thread. I just lent him a stepladder for 10 minutes and he wouldn't leave me alone. Started love-bombing me, and showering me with gifts and compliments, despite my protestations, and insistence he stops coming around, and leaves me alone.

When he came around for the 7th or 8th time (in the same day!) pestering me in the garden, I saw him coming and pulled my husband outside quickly, pretending I had spotted something he would be interested in - (I think I said a big bird of prey) - and this bloke seeing my husband was the only thing that got rid of him. I shuddered to think how things would have panned out had I not had a husband (and was single/living alone.) The bloke gave me the collywobbles. (I didn't tell DH, as he would have gone off on one at him and I didn't want a scene.)

I had quite a lot of this when I was much younger (like most women,) men pursuing me, and not fucking off when I told them I wasn't interested, but it hadn't happened since I was about 39-40. (I am in my late 50s now.) And I didn't like it, at ALL. It reminded me what utter creeps some men are, and how some of them will NOT take no for an answer. They act like we owe them our attention, and time, and affection. Grim. 💀

.

Absolutely. ^

@JFDIYOLO

Amen to that! ^

Conclusion: Do not be 'nice' to men you don't know. Especially not in a situation where you can't get away.

Waitresses, baristas, nurses etc etc whose actual job it is to be pleasant, kind, helpful, caring, bla bla bla, will all get men deciding to read that as an 'invitation'. Even misreading fear (fawning as a fear reaction) as flirting.

The mental 'I WANT TO GET LAID' noise bulldozes what women actually think, feel, want, say. Because women are not considered entirely ... people.

And it's shocking how fast men can move on from breakups and bereavement. My godmother's widower married her friend on the first anniversary of her death, then wondered bemusedly why his daughters declined the invitation.

OMG, that the hell is wrong with some men?! 😕 Your post here ^ and many others on this thread are chilling to read. SO many entitled men who think they are owed something from a woman. And in the vast majority of cases, they (the women) have never shown the slightest hint of interest. Sorry you have had to put up with this crap!

He kept pestering me and I ignored or repeated 'no thanks'. He became unpleasant and told me that I had no business turning people down. I should be giving everyone a chance and was in no position to be picky as I was on the site as well. I wasn't a hooker turning down clients. Just a woman who didn't fancy him

Urgh what a total dickhead, also a hypocrite, I highly doubt he would "give every woman a chance" if it was someone he didnt find attractive!

😂 This post made me LOL! Probably because it's not only funny, but it's all true!

Similar experiences here I'm afraid. I took in a parcel for my older (seemingly lonely) male neighbour. My DH took it round to him. The next day, the second my DH had left for work he was on my doorstep telling me he had hoped it was me who would have brought the parcel round to him, that we could have had a glass of wine together and then did this revolting wink. A few weeks later, I caught him trying to look into our bedroom window. It made me feel so sick.

Another time I was on a work night out and as I wasnt drinking, I was the designated driver. I had offered to give a few colleagues a lift home. I had dropped everyone off except one male work colleague whom I didnt know at all well and had barely spoken to the entire night. He tried to kiss me as he was getting out of the car. Not a peck on cheek mind- avec tongue. It was gross.

So, I never do favours or kindnesses for men any more because it's always fucking misinterpreted. I dont care if anyone thinks I am hard or cold, so be it. Is it a sad state of affairs?- yes, but frankly, men only have themselves to blame for it. Next time they want a favour - they can ask another man.

Online dating many years ago, a bloke sent me a message. I wasn't keen so just sent a generic thanks but no thanks reply. He paid no attention and kept sending messages. He seemed to be on the site whenever I was somehow.

He kept pestering me and I ignored or repeated 'no thanks'. He became unpleasant and told me that I had no business turning people down. I should be giving everyone a chance and was in no position to be picky as I was on the site as well. I wasn't a hooker turning down clients. Just a woman who didn't fancy him.

I sent one last message and told him that becoming aggressive with me had not increased his chances of success and nor would it with any other woman. He fucked off after that but he was one of many hideously entitled men who treated OLD like it was a knocking shop even back then.

I can't imagine what it's like now. Back in the day the main red flags on a profile were generally, golf, cycling, attended the 'University of Life' and a 'selfie' meant you were a sad twat with no friends who could take some half decent photos of you.😂

It's hard to believe but there's so many examples of it. I'm not sure who said it but a PP said it's almost as of they treat them as appliances. When one 'breaks', they order a replacement.

Plenty of fish in the sea. I don't even know what to say to that really. I said this the other day but I think some of these people were grown in a lab.