To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

My mum died young so I guess I will never know what she would have been like if she’d lived to the age where she could have possibly been ‘a burden’. I can’t imagine thinking like that about her as she was always much more of a help to me eg with small kids than I was to her. I like to imagine that if the tables had turned naturally as she got older and she needed me more then I would have taken it in my stride and thought of all she’d done for me.

That’s the way it was with both my grandmothers who lived to their 80s and 90s and in their last years had a lot of support from my parents but no more than all they had given in babysitting us, school runs, household errands whilst parents worked etc etc.

It’s a quid pro quo thing in a loving family is what I’d hope. I’ll always be there for my DC and I hope that if I get a bit boring in conversation in my old age that they will still love me enough to put up with it. Lord knows I wish my mum was still here and she could be as boring or needy as she liked if she was.

My dad is still alive and quite independent. I have more trouble trying to get him to ask for help or call me than the opposite.

My mum and I were close and she absolutely was not a burden. She was a busy sociable independent woman who travelled but adored me and her grandchildren.

Then she became ill with Alzheimer’s and our relationship did change as I had to take on responsibility for her, provide and/or arrange care until she died. Even then she was never a burden. It was an awful time but I was always so glad I never moved over 40 mins drive away and was able to be there.

I'm in my 30's and can't imagine ever seeing my mum as a burden.

If it helps, she has always been very interested in my life but in a nonjudgmental way (so she will absolutely ring me to find out how anything went, but she never questions my decisions and only offers advice when I ask for it. She's my biggest cheerleader and I can't imagine not wanting to call someone who's always on my team).

She doesn't guilt trip if I'm busy or turn down invites, she's always been warm and lovely to my husband, and she still actively wants to see me now I've got children (instead of treating me like a provider of grandchildren!).

The more I read on Mumsnet the more I realise how lucky I was with my Mum. She was always there for you but never interfered. She would give her opinion but never pass judgement. She was supportive when my siblings and I had problems.

She had some real sadness in her life but she never complained and was always busy, right up until she died. She also enjoyed having a laugh and was game for anything.

I miss her all the time.

My mum recently passed (I was often moaning about her on MN and I was regularly told I’d miss her once she was gone…)

I honestly feel she was the rudest guest to host. She couldn’t help but make comments… our mugs should be in a different cupboard, the windows could do with a clean, I had to go down the shop that instant as she couldn’t bare the idea of using spreadable butter (well, use something else then!) If we slept past 8am on the weekend we’d have comments on how could we be like those lazy people…

Then there was the minor incompetence, any form of new technology she’d refuse to get it out the box to even try to set it up. Refuse to use her satnav and generally refuse to drive anywhere.

We’d go out for coffee (I did try to suggest meeting out than having to deep clean my house AND still get comments she’d literally check under the rug) and she’d make conversation on ‘ugh look at that woman scoffing cake with her coffee, no wonder she’s that size’.

Create one. I was widowed pretty young so once the kids were old enough to be a little more independent, I made a conscious effort to widen my social circle. I joined a book club, a walking group (although I wheel rather than walk), made every effort I could to get involved socially at work. It's a shock to adult kids when they deign to pay a duty visit and find that you're busy, but it's good for them and good for the relationship. We're not just mums, we're also people. Sometimes we need to remind them.

No, they do pay me something. It barely covers their food (as they now know) but it is something. DS has recently changed careers so his wage is rather lower than it will be iyswim, and DIL is woefully underpaid for her skills but won't contemplate changing jobs. And it turns out they're really rubbish at saving.

I’m scared I’ll end up with my only child feeling like I’m a burden because I don’t have a big circle.

I try not to be demanding,of their time ,but to be there when they need support.i try not to require anything from them.
It's a fine line though
But also agree with a previous poster who said those with good relationships won't be posting about it on here

I think in the generation of parents where the mothers were mainly SAHMs and the dads worked, often (not alway but often) the women have very small worlds when their children grow up but the dads have more in common with their children once they become adults.

It's really sad but I have a few friends whose dads are interesting and good company whereas the mums just want to talk about "oh you remember Janine from school, her mum's in hospital with shingles"

I love all my children but even I have to concede that my eldest is a little bit pompous!

I definitely don’t feel like this about my mother! And I’m 99% sure she never felt this way about her mother, nor do my cousins feel that way about my aunts. So I guess your question would be why not? Never thought about it before, but now you’ve asked the question, mulling it over:

My mother is always pleased to hear from me and to see me, but there is no expectation that makes me feel guilty if it is a while between calls. So anytime I ring, she’ll say “lovely to hear from you” but there is absolutely no sub-text of “and about time too” or “why has it been so long since you rang”.

She is interested in and loves me and my kids, and always asks about me/them and genuinely cares about the answer, but she is also living her own life with friends and hobbies, so there is no sense that she is only living through us.

She will give suggestions or advice if asked, and occasionally suggest things, but doesn’t get offended if I don’t follow them.

Finally, she has an excellent sense of humour and is a fun and kind person, who I really enjoy talking to and spending time with. I like to think I’d want to spend time with her even if she wasn’t my mother but was an elderly neighbour or retired former work colleague.

Hope that helps!

I don't think all do, but I agree with other posters pointing out that there are a lot of us who are terrified of being the kind of mother that we had.

My DC have gone off to uni now and I'm finding this stage quite hard to navigate - I'm concurrently scared of being overbearing or appearing disinterested. My own DM is very opinionated and quite manipulative/critical of me and I do not want that for my DC, but I am at risk of overcompensating as a result.

A pp mentioned hearing mainly from those who didn’t have the best upbringing etc and I agree with that, in that these threads appear the most (as peoples are asking for advice understandably)

Having said that, those who have difficult childhoods and not very good relationships with their mothers will often be NC or low contact. I certainly don’t think it’s that demographic who will feel their mothers are a burden because the relationship won’t be that close.

The ones who are more likely to fee burdened are the ones who had nice childhoods and feel they ‘owe it’ to their mothers in whatever form the burden is felt. For example I’m NC with one of my parents and feel no burden whatsoever because they were a shit parent. Had they been a good parent I’d likely feel differently

I’m annoyed ok your behalf! If they both work full time, they are saving at least £3k per month. I would have turfed them out, but good on you for being mature and talking it through!

Ah well @LittleWhiteFlowers perhaps I'll.do my dc a favour and die young.

The dads don’t bother getting in touch, and the kids don’t feel guilty about not reaching out to them either (probably!)

I do think this over-sharing of minutiae and bringing every conversation back to themselves is one of the big parent-child relationship strains in adulthood.

It’s very odd that it is so common really.

My mother has started doing it, you could be recounting having broken your leg bungee jumping off Victoria falls - and she’d say ‘we have a very good local hospital. It’s a shame you didn’t break your leg there. My neighbour just had his hip done there” or whatever and it just… arghhh.

I’m gearing up to drawing attention to it in the hope she becomes more self-aware, so I do not end up being frustrated with her!

Ermmm... so mothers are a burden but fathers are what?

just life's perpetual givers...?

🤔

I think you raise your child with family values and to understand relationshops are reciprocal.

Sad you had to point this out to them but glad you did! Xx

I have two toddlers who I worship. My biggest concern is they will feel about me the way I feel about my mother . Sometimes when I hold them tight in bed at night I try and memorize it . This magic . Knowing soon they will grow up and possibly one day they’ll feel dislike to me! I think this is because I had such a difficult relationship with my mother that I worry.
I pray I can be a great parent and they will like me but I’m not sure I will definitely succeed !
My own mother is quite spiteful and I know I will never be spiteful to my children. I hope to live a full life so as not to become boring , spiteful and reply on / expect to be entertained by my children !!!!

Personally, absolutely not! I would do anything for her because is the most wonderful, caring and amazing Mum. She would never expect anything and doesn't like to ask for help.

Everyone has different relationships so many factors to consider how willing you are.

I think you get a skewed view from looking on here as those of us with parents who weren’t perfect but loved us and were broadly speaking pretty much exactly what we needed in a parent are not posting about our parents.

From my experience with mine and my partner’s, how to avoid it is to be loving and communicative, accepting, and present. My mum drives me mad sometimes and I’m sure she would say the same about me, but I never begrudge seeing her and I invite her to do stuff with us because I want to include her because she’s my mum and the kids’ grandma and we all love each other. Since my lovely Dad passed away, at my request she messages me every morning when she gets up so we can have a little check in as I don’t want her to feel lonely. It’s not even a 10th of what she would do for any of us if we let her.

This post’s sickly sweet tone is why you rarely get this sort of post. It’s cringey to send it and I wouldn’t normally say these things in a public forum but I just want you to see that lots of parents are highly loved, valued and cherished.