To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

This! My own children are on the verge of adulthood so I'm almost the older mother myself, but for decades (at least since my children were born) my mother has turned everything around to how much better everything is where she is than wherever I'm living!

I've always thought it's a kind of doubling down because they moved us all to a chocolate box village full of locals who's families had lived there since the stone age plus incomer wealthy-ish retirees when we children were late primary and parents were late 30s. It was kind of a mad thing to do and has always been an impractical place to live, and of course we never really fitted in and my sibling and I all left for uni and jobs and only went back to visit...

But perhaps all mother's who's children move away do it even if they live in a normal place without the back story...

I worry about this too.
I have an excellent relationship with my adult DC. We do things together as friends and equals. I can be of support and help to them.
However, with the best will in the world in 30 years or so, I'm going to be slower, duller, less capable, less helpful, less equal.
The dynamic will shift and because they are generous, loving and kind, I fully expect they will tolerate me with good grace, but I fear it will be from love and duty rather than genuine desire for my company.
I dread the surreptitious glances at the clock, the exchange of looks that communicate things they won't say to me. The conversations too quiet for me to hear, about me, no longer with me. The way i see other older people treated.
My best hope is that I stay reasonably well in mind and body so its not too dull and onerous. Or failing that I lose my self awareness entirely and am none the wiser.

I'm in my late thirties with 2 young kids and my mum is a massive burden. She hasn't looked after her own health, expects me to sort out her life for her, interact with the world on her behalf, she spends 2/3 nights a week here and we have to make the kids share a room when she's here. She turns up with all sorts of plastic tat for the kids that we don't have room for, makes a huge mess everywhere, eats in the middle of the night so I'm constantly running out of food when I don't expect it. Will finish a loaf making herself late night toast so there's no bread left to make the kids lunches etc etc. She has regular health crises when she neglects her diabetes and I have to get her to hospital, visit her twice a day while she's there then have her stay until she's well enough to go home. She lets every cat in a 5 mile radius move into her house, feeds them on the floor then doesn't clean up. Her house is such a mess I can't take the kids there. I could go on for DAYS. She's not depressed, I promise. It's just how she is.

But, she's massively the outlier amongst my friends. Most of my friends look forward to seeing their mums who are independent, supportive, positive influences on their and their families lives. Sitting outside DDS ballet lesson this evening another mum was telling me how her mum is coming next week and the kids are looking forward to seeing granny etc. A school mum mentioned today that she's going away to some Christmas markets with her mum and really looking forward to it. I think it's just the negative relationships get more press.

This.

From my limited knowledge, the only way you can achieve what you want is by building a happy, fulfilling life for yourself.

You will also be less emotionally depends on your adult children, you will have more experiences and perspectives for you adult children to be interested in and at times of need to seek your advise.

According to my observation and experience, those self proclaimed selfless mothers end up driving their adult children away.

I think you are projecting your experience with your mother and assuming it’s the norm, when it really isn’t.

I spend a lot of time with my parents but I’m not close to my parents, particularly my mum and in a way spending time with her does feel like a burden now I think about it. She never really asks me how I feel or engages with what I tell her. She just wants to talk about so and so’s illness or who is having a baby. I often feel more lonely in her presence than if I were actually alone. She doesn’t know me well, isn’t open minded and doesn’t like to try new things so being around her can be a real effort. That said I love her and I know she loves me in her own way. I worry a lot now that I’m having a child that our relationship will be like the one I have with my parents.

I don’t think my mum could ever be a burden to me, I’d just be so sad to see her unwell or struggle. I’ve moved out and have my own family but call her (usually twice and day) and see her at least once a week. I’m not spending Christmas Day with her this year but have lots planned with her for the festive season. I just really really love her and enjoy her company.

Social life and hobbies don’t alleviate being a burden IMO. If visits are expected, or the mum/gran just isn’t all that warm and pleasant to spend time with, it’s still a drudge. Hobbies etc. just means visits may be required less often.

The people I know with the most successful relationships with their mums as adults have mums who dont think their word is law or that their opinion always needs to be heard because they are the 'mum' (same goes for dads) it must be tricky, to transition from the parent-child relationship to a more friend dynamic, but that seems to be what works best in my experience. Always there in a heartbeat for a shoulder to cry on, and occasionally a 'are you sure about that' but never guilt tripping, or laden with expectation.
Basically mums who actually want to be good company and try to be - that doesn't mean never being grumpy, or sad, or overstepping, or getting it wrong, but it does mean never falling into the trap of thinking 'I can behave differently (worse) around them because they are my daughter and I dont have to try to be good company, I can do and say what I like and they just have to put up with it'
Sometimes we are all selfish in our relationships and others are there to pick up the slack, the but the bad parent child relationships I see is when a parent seems to decide they gave so much good in their child's early years they dont have to bother when their child is an adult.

Be helpful but not overbearing.
Keep in contact but not too much.
Ask questions and show a real interest.
Understand that your children have their own life and that you aren’t going to be number 1.

Growing up my mum was often miserable because she wasn’t happy with my dad but stayed with him. She is still miserable now and moans about him but won’t do anything about it. She doesn’t have much independence or many hobbies.
When I had my son she didn’t help out but also didn’t with my nephew so I didn’t expect it. She now wonders why they don’t have a relationship now he’s 8 as he barely knows her despite her living around the corner.
She is very negative about most stuff and takes on other people’s worries then moans to me about them!

I now avoid seeing her too much! Which is a shame but I find she brings me down.

Don’t be that mother/grandmother!! But if you are already or have given your children a rubbish upbringing, try and rectify it before it’s too late!

This isn’t the case with my elderly mother or mother in law. I desperately miss my dad.

Be their friend, not just their mum. My mum was lovely, she never pushed opinions onto me, she let me make my own mistakes, she gave me space to breathe. Never judgemental (though sometimes take the mick), she always seemed to be on my side. She was kind and also fun, she seemed to like life and didn't try and live it through her children. Until we ended up living 300 miles apart, I hung out with mum a lot because she was great company and not as a chore.

Sure, she had a few faults but as mums go my brothers and I agree that mum was fab and my brothers and I never agree on anything!

My mum was never a burden. She was so independent and didn’t need any emotional support. MIL is a massive burden though. She is demanding and meddling, and has to be involved in everything or she sulks.

When I reflect on the older members of my extended family, past and present my advice would be

• keep your views to yourself most of the time. Don’t like the new sofa? Don’t say anything, think the new holiday is too expensive? If they aren’t asking you for subsidy keep it to yourself. Nobody likes their life choices being criticised
• Try and keep a broad level of interests and people you talk to in order to not just have one or two people you chat with. Religious org, social group, interest group, whatever.
• have a broader interest in life, learn new things. U3A can be good for that.
• try and largely have a positive mindset. A constant stream of complaints about health/neighbours/local council bin collections to exclusion of neutral or positive topics make people dread calls. Subset of this - don’t always bang on about how shit everything is these days and how thing used to be better in your day.
• try to move with the times - new tech can be your friend.
• if you have a partner don’t let them be solely reliant for eg finances, how everything in house works.
• Be willing to accept help from third parties before it becomes a crisis

My mum isn't a burden to me, my MIL isn't a burden to my husband and my grandparents weren't burdens either.

My mum even when I was growing up has always had an active social life and hobbies that continue into her 70s and I think it was one of the best things she modelled to me. Too often I read on here on parents who feel "lonely" as their teenagers don't need them any more and want to be with their friends and I think it's so unhealthy to be relying on your children for companionship and to allievate your loneliness. I suspect its these mothers who are the ones that end up burdens to their children!

My Mum is the Queen in our family. My 3 Dbro and I all love her to bits, my SIL love her too. She has to rotate herself each Xmas and is never and will never be a burden on any of us. She has given us a wonderful life full of love, happiness and unwavering support. I would feel totally ashamed if i ever considered her a burden.

With my own young adult DC I am yet to go down that path but I hope they would feel the same about me.

Depends. Mine is quite needy but she 80. Negative tones. So yes a burden sometimes but its more her negativity. My friend said her mam wasnt like that as joined clubs. Some parents just easier I think

I think a lot of the parent relationship is about conversation and willingness to listen and engage in new things. I can’t really speak for my mum because she has early stages dementia and is bedbound so our relationship isn’t wildly reciprocal, but my dad is brilliant. His fun, he’s interesting, he’s willing to let me talk and he’ll empathise and sympathise.

My mother-in-law on the other hand- the conversation has always had to be centred around her or about things she likes & it comes back to her. She’s one of these people who always dominate the conversation and it’s exhausting. My husband doesn’t have that much of a relationship with her for this reason.

I think a lot of it is just being flexible, kind, but also open to having proper conversations with your children as adults. And also being a bit interesting. People who want to talk about themselves all the time can be tiresome & a relationship can be strained, no matter who they are or their age/generation.

And that's why he needed a reality check! Pompous isn't pleasant so good for you, i would do the same. Xx

I've obviously been lucky. I have a lovely elderly Mum who would do anything for me if she could. She's never a burden and even though I live away, she never guilts me about stuff. She's always there on the end of a phone, as I am her. But she brought me up independent and has as always had her own life too.
My Mil is lovely too.

Bloody marvellous @HelenaWaiting

My siblings and i have a great relationship with our mum. We'd never ever see her as a burden.

That’s just what my mum was like. No wonder I miss her.