To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

One of the things I find very hard about my MIL (a very social, active neatly 80 yo) who lives with us is that everything is for show and showy. If we run out of butter and she gets some from the Co-op it translates into loud conversations with her friends about how
she does all the shopping and is a glorified housekeeper. She makes no adjustments for our autistic boys because her son (also autistic) did exactly as she wanted all the time as a child (he’s on his third breakdown and has spent his entire adult life in therapy). She interrupts constantly and doesn’t listen but tells other people off for doing the same. And get conversation topics revolve only around her and gossip about people she knows, mostly intimate health details.

So have an interest, adjust to the needs of a changing family, don’t discuss the continence issues of strangers at the dinner table

My Mum wasn’t that bad but I can relate to this! It was almost like everything revolved around her. Didn’t matter that I’d been working 50 hour weeks on the trot, there’d be a comment about the scruffy garden or the dirty windows. It makes for a stressful life and it would put me off inviting her.

I think my advice would be to build your own life that they are a part of. Mix with a range of people of varying ages not just your old cronies. Don’t judge. Don’t offer advice unless asked. Lend a listening ear when needed. Make suggestions to meet or go out. Don’t just expect to be asked then grumble like a child when you’re not invited. Always try to solve problems yourself first and ask for help if you’re struggling. Plan in advance how you want your old age to pan out and be realistic in what help your children can give you if anything. Be direct in your communication and don’t engage in passive aggressive hinting nonsense. Dealing with a mother who acts like a helpless child can wear thin pretty quickly.

I have always had a lovely relationship with my mum, Left home at 17 and never lived at home again as did all my siblings (them were the days!). My mother never interfered in our lives and was always interested in every thing we did and friends etc.. I hear so many friends talk about difficult relationships with mothers, I guess many fathers are dead (?), in particular.

I agree that one of the biggest factors is for parents of adult children to have busy active lives themselves and that certainly helps when parents are together and happy. Seperated parents can sometimes turn an adult child against the other parent and also means there are two parents in two houses to provide care for. I have seen this so many times.
My strongest memory of my mum when I was a child was that she was happy and really socially engaged so this is how I try to at least come across to my kids(!).
My mum has advanced alzheimers now and myself and siblings (and carers) care for her at home which is so tough but the love from the past 58 years certainly helps

I agree that these days there is often a problem with terminology and reciprocal has become "transactional."

You need to have your own life, friends, hobbies, career etc and be a full and active person - for yourself, not for your dc. With a rich life of interests you are able to contribute and retain identity, it’s also healthy and good for you. Spending time with your dc, being interested in their lives and passions and stepping up when needed is how you continue to remain in a good relationship.

My DP are in their 80s. Neither is a burden and I hope I don’t become a burden to my DC. I have a very full life, and so did my DP. However, it is very noticeable, now their friends are gradually leaving their lives, that they depend on each other a huge amount and I am not looking forward to one of them being left on their own.

Totally agree! Her role is to facilitate for everyone else and when she can’t do that effectively anymore, it’s only then that she becomes a burden,

I adored my wonderful mother. Yes, she needed more support before she died, but I never regarded this as a burden. I miss her so much.

Of course they do on average, women live longer than men.

My step mums no burden. She financially independent has a boyfriend and enough help. I see her when I can as I live abroad. Kids and grandkids all enjoy her. She has 4 of us step kids who are closer than her son.

The trick is to be truly financially independent I think. And set up all the necessary permissions in good time. Grandkids are set to inherit all being well - 9 of them.

I love my mum and look guard to spending time with her. Reading others posts, I guess it's true that she's never, or very rarely asked anything of me. Lately she has taken to commenting on how grateful she is that I like spending time with her. I guess she can see how some others are faring, but w truly get on well and are interested in each other's lives.

I wonder whether there’s a big element of misogyny here?

I think people generally - including other women sometimes - take women’s time, labour and help ( particularly that of older women) for granted and as their due, rather than valuing it and being grateful for it in the same way as they would for men. There’s a lack of recognition that continues beyond childhood of mum as a person in her own right, rather than a resource whose wishes and needs are at worst irrelevant and at best always to be secondary to those of the wider family and in particular grown up children and grandchildren.

Yanbu. My mums coming to visit this week, I told her a long weekend (so 3-4 days max) and she “accidentally” booked it (uses public transport) for 6 days.
Shes lovely, but after a few days her real self starts coming through and I honestly struggle with her behaviour, snd yes she does have her own life! Makes me jealous of my brother as she wouldnt dream of staying at his let alone for nearly a week.
I will never do this to my kids, if they want me to visit I will just stay for however long they say!
The bizarre part is that her mum is still alive, and she moans to me if she has to stay a few days with her for various reasons! 🤣 I went down to see them and planned to stay at my nans for 3 days and my mum moaned and said we could only stay one night as it was “too much” for her?! Yet she does it to her own daughter.

I guess this is one benefit of not being able to have children! I don’t need to worry about being a burden to them!

Brilliant. Well done to you.

Amazing :D

Well, I’m not to my kids. I don’t need daily phone calls, visits etc or help with care. 🤷‍♀️

I’ve got my own life going on.

Even when it comes a time that my mum (or dad) need more help, I won't find them a burden. They wouldn't have me do an actual caring role but if it came a point that they perhaps needed support with an appointment, shopping or cleaning I'd absolutely do what I can to help out. My parents have helped me so much over the years it's the least I could do.

I know all families are different, but that's how it is for me and my parents.

What a cheek of them @HelenaWaiting!

And Dads don't?

I would say be aware of how much of your DD’s time you are taking - you are old with some health issues, can’t get out much so bored, friends in similar predicament or passed away, widowed?, lonely compared to previous life.
But this comes to most people and you mustn’t expect DD/DCs to be able to fill that huge void.

Me and my sister are 39 and 37 respectively. We have careers, partners and friends and I have children. But our mum is an absolute rockstar. We love her, we love spending time with her. She never has chance to miss us. She will never be a burden. Cheeky city break. Ask mum. DIY disaster. Ask mum. Need enablement for some questionable but fun life choices. Ask mum.

OK ..... here's the other side of the equation. I am a pensioner, widowed and living alone, have heart and mobility problems. It is shit. I would give antything to have my life's partner and my health back. I hate it. I did not choose it, as indeed I am sure that all you younger folks on here do not wish for this for yourselves and would not choose it .... but it creeps up on you inexorably and you have to make the best of what you have.

I do all I can to maintain as active and independent a life as possible and to contribute to my community. I run a choir, sing with another, do the village hall bookings, take on design projects .... all a massive and painful struggle. Above all else, and on my mind constantly, is my strong desire not to be burdensome to my wonderful DDs and their families. I get people in to help me at home and take taxis when I am not well enough to drive, in spite of DDs offering to help. I do what I can for them mainly in the form of supporting their musical efforts (this is where my skills lie), being a listening ear and helping with child care occasionally.

But inevitably there are now times when they offer and I need to accept help from them. It seems to be freely and genuinely offered. I guess this will increase as time goes by.

Just to say .... it is bad enough losing your life as you knew it to the inevitability of getting older and losing a loved one, but to also have to be minding one's ps and qs in order not to be a pain to one's AC is an added burden. I am doing my best ..... I hope I succeed but I have never done this before!
Sadly this will come to everyone as time passes.
I know some of you will have mothers with whom you have a difficult relationship, and I can identify with that. But I guess that as they get older they have battles to fight that consume much energy, both emotional and physical and that underneath there might be sadness. That does not let them off the hook as regards trying not to be a burden, but might explain why they are not always the hoped for ray of sunshine.

I don't share the negativity. I know a lot of women who were treasured matriarchs in their final days. Not difficult burdens. I know a disabled elderly lady who is fairly estranged from her son, she won't be anyone's burden too.

My dad is being treated like a burden by some of the family, which is unpleasant :(. I live too far away to do a lot for him but am trying to improve my contribution.

My mum is very elderly (90), feels like a burden and one that I am resentful of. I have friends who are more cheerfully willing to care for their elderly parents so it’s something I am thinking a lot about, mostly to avoid the situation with my own children.

The lessons I have learned are not to get ‘old’ before your time. My mum was as fit as a fiddle but wanted to be fussed over from about the age of 60. It’s been a long 30 years since then!

Also don’t show favouritism towards your kids. Or if you do, don’t expect the less favoured one to do all the running around when you need help just because she’s a girl. And don’t show blatant favouritism for one set of grandkids over the others either.

And look after yourself physically as best as you can. Go to the doctor, be honest about your symptoms. Don’t let minor things become huge because you tried to pretend they weren’t happening. If your hearing goes, get hearing aids and bloody wear them. If you refuse to, don’t complain that nobody visits you because why would they when they can’t have a conversation because you can’t hear them.

I think (hope) if you make an effort to help yourself while you can, your kids won’t find it such an effort to care for you when you can’t.