To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

i think its a matter of nurturing a friendship once they're fully fledged adults, and maintaining being self sufficient as long as you can.

I have a very good relationship with my mum, the only time i feel its any kind of 'burden' is when she starts complaining about being lonely like its my responsibility to be her social life since Dad passed away, or when she tries to tell me how to parent my kids/judges me for something.

My mother is my one of my best friends so she would never be a burden to me - but I know a lot of friends who do view their mothers as “burdens” typically because she is a taker (of time, money, emotional support and labour) and feels entitled to these things for having supported their children growing up. A lot are also divorcees / widowers.

I would say to avoid this, simply invest in your life outside of your children and make sure you build a strong loving relationship with them.

My mum died 12 years ago and she's still the first person I want to call when I have news to share - good or bad.

I think lots of people are close to their mums, I don’t know if this is due to them being close growing up or what. I don’t like my mum too much so don’t opt to spend time with her all that often. She made lots of mistakes when I was a child, some I have found difficult to forgive. We also have incompatible personalities for many reasons so it doesn’t work.

My NDN’s mum is practically there every single day helping out so I know some adults clearly depend on and appreciate their mothers. No idea what the trick is, not being a dick when they’re kids helps though.

There is another thread where a mother is told that she should bow to her 20 something children's wishes and NOT invite a friend to Xmas dinner. So when are women supposed to make friends? In their 60s and 70s when the children are not dependent but then the friends might have their own ill health and issues?

Ouch. That was uncomfortable to read

😂

Told you some of you would find duty to be a dirty word!

@EmmaWotsit You hope your daughter will do her duty by you? Ouch. That was uncomfortable to read.

I'm the mother of a young adult DD and no way am I going to be squirming around suppressing my personality and opinions as some of you are suggesting! I've raised a lovely, kind, confident young woman with whom I have a great relationship so I reckon I know what I'm doing.

We all get old and lose independence at some point, no matter how much Pilates we do, weights we lift or hobbies we have. It's part of the circle of life and I hope my daughter will do her duty by me. And I know duty is a dirty word on here.

Why...are you awful?

Just off to top myself before any one suffers my presence 🙄

I love my darling Mum and wouldn’t want to have Christmas without her. I check in on her most days because she’s in her 80’s and I’d worry if I didn’t.
She’s always been loving, caring, wise, kind, supportive, generous, funny, clever, calm - my rock basically. So, no she’s never a burden.

She has hobbies and friends and is fairly self sufficient. She knows she can come and live with us if she ever needs to. But we agree it’s better she retains her independence for as long as she can.

The kids adore her. She has been on holiday with us, she comes every xmas and is round here for dinner at least once a week.

But I do understand that I’m bloody lucky to have her and some of my friends’ mothers, well let’s just say they are high maintenance and leave it at that!

Gosh I would have been furious HelenaWaiting.

Especially after you had been so kind to allow both of them to live with you!

Glad you put things straight.

That is so rude of them!! I'm shocked. Good for you!

Don’t make your children your whole life; nurture your own friendships and have hobbies, interests and a social life aside from your family. Don’t do so much for your adult children that you neglect to maintain your own social circle. Then you will never be a burden on your children and they, and you, can enjoy each other’s company without ever feeling like it’s a burden or a duty.

Bloody hell, no-ones allowed to ask family members for help now? I'm more than happy to help

I read that as men die before women

My mum did a lot for me - in every way it's possible for a mum to do a lot.

I feel very fortunate to be able to return some of that now she's elderly. None of it is burdensome.

Each stage of life and age has its own characteristics.
A baby is a huge burden by nature of its dependency.
A toddler is a burden because they are fighting for their rights
A school age child is a burden because their needs are simply endless: love, lifts, money
A teenager is a burden in so many ways!
And so it goes on ......
We don't deprecate these humans. We recognise that people make demands on those around them commensurate with their stage of life.

Any individual (female or male, parent or not) is only a "burden" if they allow it to happen.
Don't complain to your adult kids, don't ask them to help you with stuff, cultivate lots of interests and friendships.

But also, don't feel obligated to pass on an inheritance. Enjoy what you have and, if you need practical assistance, use your funds to buy that in.

I do think a lot of people become too reliant on their children for company/help as they get older despite everyone seeming to claim otherwise on threads like this. Being infertile, I’ve read a lot of the childfree forum and threads to look for some positives of not being able to have children. The amount of posters asking and saying things like “aren’t you worried about being lonely?? Who will look after you when you’re old?? You’ll be a drain on society” etc etc. So I do think despite everyone claiming when they’re younger that they won’t ever rely on their kids, they do actually expect this will happen.
I also think a lot of people become quite obsessed with their own “little family” and think they don’t need any outside friendships. I’ve seen threads on here saying that that’s all the woman wants/needs. I remember a thread where a woman said she was totally bored and uninterested in her childfree friends since becoming a parent. Had no interest in seeing or speaking to them anymore. She only wanted to talk about her child with other people who knew how she felt. I myself lost a lot of friends after they had children as they only wanted to socialise with others who had kids as well. And there’s plenty of threads saying the same. The childfree people are always told to “wait until the kids are grown up and start the friendship again”. But why should they? Why would I wait 20 years until someone has the inclination to talk to me again? In those 20 years I’ve made other friends. So I think people who drop friendships easily will struggle in later life as their only source of company may well be their kids. Especially if they end up divorced/widowed. Their little family now has their own little family that might not always include them.

She lives too far away to visit for the day and pretty much just sits at home alone when she's not here, so yeah, the visits aren't stopping unfortunately. I'm trying to get her into a retirement flat nearby as that would be better for everyone but her house is such a state that we can't really sell it with her in it. I've tried going and sorting it out but she's so destructive that it's one step forward and two steps back every time.

I've got a brother, he lives in the states and because of her health it's really difficult to get travel insurance for her to visit him for any length of time. We're hoping to send her out for 3 months in the spring, she can't travel alone, even with special assistance so I'll have to take her and pay for both mine and her airfares, he'll cover the insurance. Then I'll get the house sorted and sold while she's gone. While also working, and caring for 2 kids, with a husband who travels a lot for work.

Yay 🤦‍♀️

I wouldn't mind if she was really old and genuinely needed support but she's only in her 60's, she's just pathologically lazy.

Honestly don’t know how it gets avoided. Try not to be the mother than constantly refers everything their adult child says to their own possibly limited experience? Listen, less comment.

My parents aren’t ‘old’ yet but I do find my grandparents hard work at times. One is very judgmental and makes comments about my weight (which isn’t that bad!). The other must watch GB news on repeat as has generally negative views about everything and everyone- people who work from home, immigrants, GPs (you get the picture). I don’t find conversing with them enjoyable but I do still try.

My in laws love making negative comments too. I generally find it all exhausting.

Wow. Lets hope she doesn't spend her money on care home fees- she might just find out how much her family actually care for her...

I totally agree. There seems to be an emphasis on mothers remaining 'useful', able to participate but not ask anything in return. To always be upbeat and positive- and deal with problems on their own. It's a rather bleak view of the human beings closest to us.
When you think most of us will be disabled or incapacitated at a point in our life- Im glad I never had children! At least if people find me boring, they keep it to themselves