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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think most mums end up a 'burden'....

160 replies

LittleWhiteFlowers · 17/11/2025 18:35

to their adult children?
Not necessarily needing a lot of care etc just in day to day life.
I see it on here all of the time, mentioning 'duty' visits and phone calls, talking about eye rolling when mum perhaps strays to a well worn but favourite topic of conversation. Preferring Christmas with 'their own little family' but inviting mum out of guilt etc.
How do I avoid this with my own children? I would rather they saw/spoke to me less than felt the need to talk to me out of duty or pity!!
I have no real frame of reference as I was nc with my own mother until she died fairly recently and she was standoffish in life and really couldn't care less if she saw us or not.

OP posts:
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Winterwonderwhy · 22/11/2025 12:07

Sorry op, but your experience has shaped your perception of this. If you had a very loving and involved family then that is all you would know and spending time with your family would just feel normal and natural rather than a burden. It’s really as simple as that.

NowYouSee · 22/11/2025 11:35

saraclara · 21/11/2025 23:20

That's quite a list of expectations and requirements.

Is a mother allowed to have a similar list for how adult daughters should behave if they want a good relationship with their mother?

Edited
Show quote history

Where did I say they were expectations or requirements?

The OP expressly asked for advice as to how her kids actively want to see her as opposed to duty visits, not what actions she should take as a daughter. This was just a list of areas where I have seen strain on relationships with older people so things I personally intend to be mindful of as I am aging. Spend time on the elderly parents board and you’ll see these topics come up again and again as things elderly parents do that grind gears with adult children.

Many of them certainly apply at all ages if you want to have good family relations and friendships - because who actively wants to be around highly critical, relentlessly negative people who don’t engage with the world?

Hons123 · 22/11/2025 10:32

It depends quite a lot on whom they will marry - I have a dear friend, she has two sons. One married a taker, empty-headed Insta girl, he has been massively influenced by her (like all of us are influenced by the people we spend time with). He has an arms-length relationship with her now. The other married a decent, properly brought up girl, who understands duty goes both ways (parent-child, child-parent). She is the driving force (as my friend tells me) behind his phone calls to his mum, the cards, the money he forces on her for her holidays and a policy of 'our house is your house at any moment'. Having said that, the girl/woman in question is a lot wealthier than his mum and she is also a very kind individual. This woman also teaches respect towards gran and teaches her children to put gran (and elderly people overall) first, but she is a devout Christian, this woman.

Solaire18381 · 21/11/2025 23:43

I don't think all, but I can think of an Aunt for example. Although she passed her driving test when young, she would never drive anywhere even when a lot younger. Her DH would do all the driving. In fact in my whole life I've only remembered her driving once, when her DH was in hospital.

Inevitably, her DH died and she was left stranded. Got her DC to sell the car and deal with all DH's possessions, lifts all the time from her DC although they don't live local.

Now she has a health condition that needs regular hospital appointments. Lifts every time from her 2 DC, one moreso than the other. Problem is it's not local for them, they both work full time as do their partners, have young children, commitments etc.

A burden, I don't know, but I can see how it's a pain when you're part of a "sandwich generation" and can't fit in time for family life as it is due to work, etc.

VineandIvy · 21/11/2025 23:36

We live on the same street as my parents. We moved deliberately as close as we could when I got pregnant, they are both amazing and my mum is one of my best friends.

Now yes. The very rare time we would clash heads but generally she’s nothing but loving, supportive, kind and helpful, and we very much match that energy with her and my dad.

My husband gets on brilliantly with both of my parents, because things are very open and honest, with no pressure and a lot of love, support and understanding. It’s something he notices and comments on regularly as he came from a very broken family dynamic with a lot of abusive behaviours. Both his parents are still alive and live 15 and 25 minutes away but we are no contact with both after a few years of failed attempts of reconciliation and communication.

I think family commentary is a bit like reviews. You’ll see more negatives than positives as people tend to only vocalise things when they have a problem. But I think it’s totally possible to have a healthy close relationship with adult children and their families. It’s all down to communication and really understanding one another!

saraclara · 21/11/2025 23:20

NowYouSee · 17/11/2025 20:19

When I reflect on the older members of my extended family, past and present my advice would be

  • keep your views to yourself most of the time. Don’t like the new sofa? Don’t say anything, think the new holiday is too expensive? If they aren’t asking you for subsidy keep it to yourself. Nobody likes their life choices being criticised
  • Try and keep a broad level of interests and people you talk to in order to not just have one or two people you chat with. Religious org, social group, interest group, whatever.
  • have a broader interest in life, learn new things. U3A can be good for that.
  • try and largely have a positive mindset. A constant stream of complaints about health/neighbours/local council bin collections to exclusion of neutral or positive topics make people dread calls. Subset of this - don’t always bang on about how shit everything is these days and how thing used to be better in your day.
  • try to move with the times - new tech can be your friend.
  • if you have a partner don’t let them be solely reliant for eg finances, how everything in house works.
  • Be willing to accept help from third parties before it becomes a crisis

That's quite a list of expectations and requirements.

Is a mother allowed to have a similar list for how adult daughters should behave if they want a good relationship with their mother?

Swissmeringue · 21/11/2025 23:03

DancingOctopus · 21/11/2025 19:12

Genuine question- whilst your mother is visiting your brother, are you really going to sell her house?
What if she doesn't agree to it?

Show quote history

Yes absolutely, with her permission and encouragement. She wants to move into a retirement flat and recognises it's much easier to sell the house empty and that we can gut it for sale if she's not living there.

We're not doing anything behind her back!

user1471453601 · 21/11/2025 19:24

I said to my adult child "I wish I wasn't such a burden".

They said "you aint heavy, you're my Mother". (A play on the words of a song lyric for the information of younger readers)

In the same way my child wasnt a burden when they were young. I wasn't just happy to carry them but doing so just increased my love for them.

DancingOctopus · 21/11/2025 19:12

Swissmeringue · 18/11/2025 11:37

She lives too far away to visit for the day and pretty much just sits at home alone when she's not here, so yeah, the visits aren't stopping unfortunately. I'm trying to get her into a retirement flat nearby as that would be better for everyone but her house is such a state that we can't really sell it with her in it. I've tried going and sorting it out but she's so destructive that it's one step forward and two steps back every time.

I've got a brother, he lives in the states and because of her health it's really difficult to get travel insurance for her to visit him for any length of time. We're hoping to send her out for 3 months in the spring, she can't travel alone, even with special assistance so I'll have to take her and pay for both mine and her airfares, he'll cover the insurance. Then I'll get the house sorted and sold while she's gone. While also working, and caring for 2 kids, with a husband who travels a lot for work.

Yay 🤦‍♀️

I wouldn't mind if she was really old and genuinely needed support but she's only in her 60's, she's just pathologically lazy.

Show quote history

Genuine question- whilst your mother is visiting your brother, are you really going to sell her house?
What if she doesn't agree to it?

AmITheLastOne · 21/11/2025 18:53

My Mum has avoided it by being a really nice, kind and considerate Mum. She has never been annyth7ng other than lovely to me. I do things for her because I want to. This afternoon my brother and I were at her house doing chores together. We enjoy it. I’d do anything for my Mum.

Mary46 · 21/11/2025 17:39

Your kids should not become your social life though. Our mam is quite needy and negative. It is very draining. Keep yourself a bit independent..

MissFancyDay · 21/11/2025 17:24

LizaRadleywasonthespectrum · 19/11/2025 19:06

@MissFancyDayNo I’m lovely. I can give you lessons if you like 😉

I am also lovely, and not in the habit of making passive aggressive remarks to my kids 😏

Friendlygingercat · 21/11/2025 15:08

Many truthful posts in this thread. Adult children who have posituve relationships with their parents do not post. Unleaa a parent dies/is ill and they need a hand hold. You will see far more of negative relationships on mumsnet because they can poison the entire life and development of a child. Even into adulthood.

Polyestered · 21/11/2025 14:32

HelenaWaiting · 17/11/2025 18:44

I had this. My DS and DIL live with me, whilst they save for a deposit. They started acting like I was living with them, making little comments about my "dependence" on them (I'm disabled but I still work full-time and I have a life of my own). Finally I sat them down with some hard truths. Showed them the bills and pointed out the extent to which I am massively subsidising them. Explained what my life would be like without them there (pretty busy, actually) and told them that whilst I sympathise with the difficulties young people face getting on the housing ladder, and they are very welcome, it is my house, I paid for it and I would really rather they had a place of their own. There's a lot less "burden" and "duty" talk now.

This is fascinating! Why on earth did they think they were doing you the favour and not the other way around?!

noidea69 · 21/11/2025 14:29

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 17/11/2025 18:57

Ermmm... so mothers are a burden but fathers are what?

just life's perpetual givers...?

🤔

I think you raise your child with family values and to understand relationshops are reciprocal.

Edited

Generally i think fathers are less likely to make children feel guilty if they don't spend time with them.

Fathers also don't mind if things aren't done "their" way as generally they dont have "their" way, they have the way their wives way and just go along with that.

Goldenbear · 21/11/2025 14:25

Before then not "people to".

Goldenbear · 21/11/2025 14:24

I have a good friendship with my Mum but I would say that has mainly been since I turned 40 and she can be more frank with me about her relationship with my Dad who she divorced as a result of affairs, the reality and fun parts of having children. I think people to that she wanted to protect me from emotional upset.

I am trying to be good friends with my DC and we all share a good sense of humour, plus I have an adult teen and DH and I are early to mid 40s so we don't feel like it was that long ago when we had young experiences, it certainly helps as we are relatable, we are going to the pub and food tonight with him for example before he goes out with friends, we are laid back but at the same time I'm hoping both DC think they can rely on us for emotional support not the other way around though. DS and I have lots in common so it's not really hard to talk with him which obviously helps foster good relations. My youngest is a bit, 'Rebel without a cause' but tbh I was similar at her age so I think that helps diffuse any challenges.

kittywittyandpretty · 21/11/2025 14:17

I don’t mind being involved in their lives out of pity duty or obligation
Their motivation is irrelevant. I get to spend time with my grandchildren and that’s literally all that matters.

ginasevern · 21/11/2025 14:16

@EvangelicalAboutButteredToast " It’s not that hard but it does rely on good health I think. Once older people become poorly they always get rather self centred and it’s usually at this point they become a burden sadly."

Absolutely. They become a total fucking nuisance once they're completely knackered. One good reason to vote for euthanasia I say!

EleventyThree · 21/11/2025 13:55

MidnightPatrol · 17/11/2025 18:39

People are more likely to share posts about difficult relationships than easy ones. The people who have positive relationships with their mothers won’t be posting asking for advice on how to deal with them etc.

I suppose all you can do is foster a good relationship with them, and be supportive and don’t judge them.

The ‘well worn topics of conversation’ - I think the risk there is that people’s worlds can get very, very small post-retirement. So - remind yourself to be open-minded, learn new things, and express interests outside of your daily routine and memories of the past.

I second all of this.

TheGoddessFrigg · 21/11/2025 13:45

MidnightPatrol · 19/11/2025 11:02

TBF - I have many friends but would not insist upon inviting them to a Christmas dinner, particularly if my family weren’t keen.

There are 364 days a year she could see her friend that aren’t Christmas Day with her family?

Show quote history

'simply invest in your life outside of your children and make sure you build a strong loving relationship with them' So... invest in your life but still remain available to all your children's whims and wants no matter their age? Quite difficult to build friendships then isnt it? And do their childcare when wanted,

I dont see this sort of criticism directed at fathers. So much internalised misogyny. A mother's place is still in the wrong

TheTwitcher11 · 19/11/2025 19:47

Flocke · 18/11/2025 12:32

I do think a lot of people become too reliant on their children for company/help as they get older despite everyone seeming to claim otherwise on threads like this. Being infertile, I’ve read a lot of the childfree forum and threads to look for some positives of not being able to have children. The amount of posters asking and saying things like “aren’t you worried about being lonely?? Who will look after you when you’re old?? You’ll be a drain on society” etc etc. So I do think despite everyone claiming when they’re younger that they won’t ever rely on their kids, they do actually expect this will happen.
I also think a lot of people become quite obsessed with their own “little family” and think they don’t need any outside friendships. I’ve seen threads on here saying that that’s all the woman wants/needs. I remember a thread where a woman said she was totally bored and uninterested in her childfree friends since becoming a parent. Had no interest in seeing or speaking to them anymore. She only wanted to talk about her child with other people who knew how she felt. I myself lost a lot of friends after they had children as they only wanted to socialise with others who had kids as well. And there’s plenty of threads saying the same. The childfree people are always told to “wait until the kids are grown up and start the friendship again”. But why should they? Why would I wait 20 years until someone has the inclination to talk to me again? In those 20 years I’ve made other friends. So I think people who drop friendships easily will struggle in later life as their only source of company may well be their kids. Especially if they end up divorced/widowed. Their little family now has their own little family that might not always include them.

Those mums you mention are always boring bastards too lol

LizaRadleywasonthespectrum · 19/11/2025 19:06

@MissFancyDayNo I’m lovely. I can give you lessons if you like 😉

MidnightPatrol · 19/11/2025 11:02

TheGoddessFrigg · 19/11/2025 09:15

There is another thread where a mother is told that she should bow to her 20 something children's wishes and NOT invite a friend to Xmas dinner. So when are women supposed to make friends? In their 60s and 70s when the children are not dependent but then the friends might have their own ill health and issues?

TBF - I have many friends but would not insist upon inviting them to a Christmas dinner, particularly if my family weren’t keen.

There are 364 days a year she could see her friend that aren’t Christmas Day with her family?

Flowerprince · 19/11/2025 10:59

Jamjarcandlestick · 17/11/2025 19:31

My mum recently passed (I was often moaning about her on MN and I was regularly told I’d miss her once she was gone…)

I honestly feel she was the rudest guest to host. She couldn’t help but make comments… our mugs should be in a different cupboard, the windows could do with a clean, I had to go down the shop that instant as she couldn’t bare the idea of using spreadable butter (well, use something else then!) If we slept past 8am on the weekend we’d have comments on how could we be like those lazy people…

Then there was the minor incompetence, any form of new technology she’d refuse to get it out the box to even try to set it up. Refuse to use her satnav and generally refuse to drive anywhere.

We’d go out for coffee (I did try to suggest meeting out than having to deep clean my house AND still get comments she’d literally check under the rug) and she’d make conversation on ‘ugh look at that woman scoffing cake with her coffee, no wonder she’s that size’.

This is my mum to a t. Also turning every conversation back onto herself and things that happened in the past we have already discussed a million times.
She wants me to act like an adult/parent figure to her (paying for things, giving advice etc) but didn’t do that for me when I was a child. She’s never been a responsible independent adult really.