MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

@WFHforevermore I feel sorry for OP who has been treated like shit for 10 years by her MIL.

Also many GPs are still working so won’t be able to take up the slack for working parents. I actually feel sorry for some GPs who seem to do more hours than the parents as they still work but are also expected to take on child care duties too

As a DIL myself, I get really irritated by many of the DILs on these threads because I think they are way too precious about how their MIL looks, thinks, breathes - and especially what they are "allowed" to say or give as gifts.

Generally speaking, I think Mums let these dynamics get in the way to the detriment of the children, and I am a strong advocate of deepening family ties for the benefit of children

That said, anyone - GP or otherwise - specifically asking to spend time with my dc without me present would leave me uncomfortable. My DM, in particular, has been very involved with ours and HAS looked after them on her own, but it is something that happened organically. She has never, not once, asked that DH and I not be present when spending time with them. I cannot imagine that she ever would either, because I think, like me, she sees family relationships as something that develops naturally in a family setting and sees no reason to remove them from that setting to develop the relationship.

I can only think that sort of request is for the adult's comfort and ease, and has nothing to do with thinking of the child. That isn't to say that children can't be perfectly comfortable alone with their grandparents - and ours have been and ARE comfortable ( though i think at 1 it was only when really needed and they did fret a little after a while; a day is a long time and normally only something a mother does if she has to to make working etc possible).

There is just something that doesn't sit right with me when it is requested or demanded. It sort of has overtones of those feudal rights of a landlord to sleep with his vassal's new wife - droit de seigneur or whatever! It's a kind of assertion of rights over the child - which actually GP don't really have in the UK - rather than a natural enjoyment of time spent with them. Why can't anyone develop a relationship with a child without needing others specifically excluded? If I think back to time with my grandparents - which I loved - it didn't make any difference to me if my parents were there or not, and actually, had I known my Mum was sort of "expected" to make herself scarce, I would have felt a bit creeped out. To me it's not a natural request.

I retierate: nothing wrong with leaving DC with grandparents. Just a bit odd to stipulate no parent attendance.

Trust yourself. You don't want to, so don't.

Maybe think about what it is that you don't like about your mil having her for a day and see how you can work around it, if possible? If naps are the issue, maybe a couple of hours could work instead of a whole day for example.

I want my children to have good relationships with their grandparents, I also appreciate that my mother in law enjoys seeing the grandchildren and want to help her have these experiences for her own happiness. But I will not bend over backwards to do it or stress myself out over it.

Personally, I wouldn't let grandparents have children for a full day until they've stopped napping because in my experience the naps aren't managed well and I'm given back and overtired baby/toddler.

People should be asking you how they can help as well not telling you. I never wanted "a break", I wanted space but no one ever actually asked me what I needed as a new parent.

I don't know the dynamic between OP and MIL so maybe this it out of turn but it makes me quite sad how many people wouldn't let their children go to their grandparents on their own. I had the best relationship with my grandparents growing up, I used to stay over twice a week and more during holidays because I loved it so much and it did give my mum and dad a break.

My own kids have gone to both sets of grandparents since being babies, for a couple of hours at a time at first. Sadly my parents are dead/demented now but they had some fantastic times with their grandkids including taking them on holiday most summers.

My in laws are still very involved grandparents, even now my kids are 16 and 14, they do so much running around to hobbies, they've taken them away during the summer and they do the extra bits that sometimes we just can't fit in as 2 working parents. I'd be really sad to have deprived my children of those relationships.

I feel so sorry for parents now.

My mum had my first baby overnight, a week after my boy was born. And we loved it! slept all night and couldnt wait to get back to him.

We did that all the time with both my boys, nights, weekends, holidays when me and me DH went to NY, Vegas, Cali.

We trust my mum and MIL with our hearts and boys and our marriage and relationship in stronger for it.

If this was someone other than a grandma who had treated the OP like shit for 10 years would those posters saying OP should let MIL have care of baby, would they also agree that that person should have care of the baby? Why should OP trust or do what MIL wants when MIL has treated OP badly.

Where is DH in all this @Hideousfrump How much support has he been for you over the last 10 years.

And all because DH turned out okay does not always mean his parents are okay. MIL hasn’t been very nice for the last 10 years

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

This is the relevant bit.
I generally think close relations should be encouraged but he's 1 and she's been a dick for a decade so it's a "not now" from me

If you will NEVER need child care - Suit yourself and decline while thanking her for her generous offer.

Otherwise i'd offer her some adhoc mornings as a compromise

A parent for the second time? What are you on about?!!

It would definitely be a barrier for my 1 year old son. A pushchair nap is max 25 minutes, he wakes up grumpy as fuck and is a little demon at bedtime and then wakes aaaaall night.

But I agree a 3-4 hour stint is reasonable. I would actually go for 1 or 2 times a week so it's routine. Once a month means baby has very little idea who she is. My son is very shy with people he doesn't know for the first hour or so.

It doesn’t have to be either of your scenarios!

I feel your response is a bit judgy of @Hideousfrump . She just wants her one year old to spend his time with her, which is perfectly understandable. I wouldn’t have been happy to hand over my DC, in this way to either my DM or MIL.

Her MIL needs to back off, she’s had her turn.

I don't understand why you'd want to stop your child from building a bond with his grandma.

I know you say she spends time with him when you're there, but it's not the same as having that 1-1 time. I'd also say it's really important that DS is used to time alone with someone else in case you ever need help in an emergency.

Oh my goodness. I see the more different adults who want to be involved in children's lives the better for them. It takes a village to raise a child. Maybe 1 is young for some people, but not for grandparents!

My mother had a similar situation with my father's grandparents, well worse. They didn't approve of her. Maybe they would have accepted her more had they lived 10 years after my parents got married but unfortunately they both died relatively young. My mother did let my older sibling spend time at their house on their own, aged 1-5. It's something my elder sibling really appreciates now (we are both over 45); feels benefited enormously from spending time with our grandmother in formative years. Unfortunately, I only had a little bit of time with my grandmother and I am a bit envious of my older sibling and my cousin.

Because the Mum isn't comfortable with it, that's why.

Agreed. And it's nice she's including him-as she should-but there are some grandparents who only take one of their grandchildren, which is unfair. It's beneficial to the whole family, as in an emergency, there's less to worry about (say if you needed to be rushed to hospital and your partner wanted to come). I had to start work early, so my kids were used to staying away, and when an emergency happened, as these things do, there was no panic about whether the kid will be scared/whether grandparent knows what food they're on/what they wear to sleep etc.
Her being rude to you is a separate matter, and for me, I'd want to meet 1:1 to discuss that. Rather than avoiding the conflict, I'd want to go for coffee and ask for an explanation (ideally an apology and then move forward). I wouldn't ban her seeing her grandchild if she refused to apologise, but I'd point out that she is one of a very few people also related to my child, one of the few people who could reasonably be expected to love him like I do, and that ideally I want to be able to love and respect her, as we're all one family.

She doesn't have to but why can't she?

What's the big deal?

Why does she need the child alone to bond?

I'd say no for now as he's too young, but maybe when he's three.

Why does it have to be taking away though?

I honestly don't understand that view at all.

I was incredibly close with both of my grandmothers. I wasn't taken away from my mum. I loved my mother more than them both but I adored them as grandparents.

Why is not that they love their grandchild and would love to spend some 1 on 1 time?

People can really be weird sometimes about MIL on here.

It's her grandkid, why can't she have your child on her own for a bit? I think 1 is old enough. 🫤

I'm guessing she just wants to bond. What is wrong with a grandmother wanting to be with her grand kid?

You will always be mum so don't worry about that!

This really isn’t true. My kids didn’t have very regular time alone with their grandparents until they were much older, and they have wonderful relationships with them.

I find the notion that you can somehow only bond with a child of you can get them away from
their parents really odd.

I’m close to a variety of friends children who I have never had alone.

Maybe OP isn't comfortable about leaving her baby with someone who refused to welcome OP into the family for 10 years. It sounds as though she is only interested now because OP has given birth to her grandchild. Therefore, as far as OP is concerned, she isn't a particularly nice person so she will be wary of leaving her child with her.

Normally, you don't get to treat someone like shit for 10 years and then expect them to like and trust you enough to feel comfortable leaving your baby with them.

I babysit and childmind for my DGC but on their DP’s terms not mine! I have a very good relationship with both my in-laws because I wasn’t a pushy Granma (ok, if I’m entirely honest, I did want 121 time with my eldest but realised, after several “no’s” that my DD is a very different DM than me). I waited until I was asked and then they realised I’m not a complete idiot so I see my DGC as regularly as I can bearing in mind they live 4 hours away. I do tend to drop everything when I’m asked to childmind but I still work so it’s when they know I can do it or it’s an emergency!

I'm with you OP. I don't really understand why someone would want to take a child away from their mother when there is no real reason to do so.

Curious as to why you feel so strongly that you need to be present when she looks after him? I think it's good for children to have a relationship with grandparents and other family members that are separate from their parents. My sister has always spent time 1:1 with my daughter and now they are close and I feel grateful to have another person in my child's life who cares about her like I do. They wouldn't have built the same closeness if I'd always been there as young children default to their parents, as they should.

Are you sure it's not coming from a place of selfishness or fear they'll develop a separate close relationship? Because that is understandable but truly it will be positive for your child.

Be generous and let your DC spend time with her grandmother alone starting with a couple of hours. Children's relationships with grandparents are really important for both. Your DC deserves to enjoy one too.

Thanks to my paternal grandmother, I can knit, crochet and bake. She and my mum had a terrible relationship as my granny, domineering and outspoken, was a great home-maker and my mum was a shambles. I thank my mum many years later for thinking of me first.