MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

I think if he naps the whole day is pointless but I think at 1 a few hours with him is ok. It sounds like you dont like her much - that’s ok but remember your child needs a relationship with her regardless of that. Grandmas are lovely even if they don’t make good MILs! X

This whole my child should never be apart from me very Mumsnet and quite disingenuous.

But IS op actually saying that?

There is a world of difference between being happy to leave your child with someone else, and being happy about someone else requesting you leave your child with them. Fair enough the MIl wants to spend time, but quality time with a child doesn't require the absence of parents. or shouldn't.

He’s your baby and it’s your decision. If you wanted to meet her half way perhaps you could let her take him to a class or take him for a couple of hours while you get your nails done or something and meet them afterwards but it’s completely your call. I don’t really get MIL being overbearing like this though, they should take the lead from the mum. Also she should really be focussed on working on her relationship with you first especially if she was not accepting of you at the beginning (why was she not by the way?) building a good relationship with your daughter in law should come first and then the rest will naturally follow.

"Surely it's perfectly normal for a grandmother to want to have their grandchildren alone?"

It's perfectly normal for them to want to spend time with their grandchildren. It's perfectly normal for them to be willing to have their grandchildren alone.

But why should they need the parents not to be there? Do they want to do something the parents wouldn't be happy with? Do they dislike the mother that much?

If it's "so mum can have a break" and mum doesn't want a long break, there's no need. Grandma can come and visit, maybe look after the baby while mum gets lunch ready / has a shower / goes out for a haircut, and maybe later on it will be useful for her to take them for longer.

I don't think mine got left with anyone else for more than a couple of hours until she started 3-hour nursery sessions at 2 (with which she coped fine). Grandparents were involved, but were happy to enjoy playing with her in my presence.

My DS is a similar age - are you not back at work yet? I'd love this as an alternative to paid childcare - I'm quite jealous! Although completely get feeling strange about leaving him with someone else all day but better family than strangers.

Surely this is a kind thing to do? They only benefit from that time I promise you! Also you want them to have a strong loving rship when they’re older.

@Hideousfrump - it’s your first child and you are being very PFB, which is fine. Many of us have been there.

FWIW - it’s not about ‘managing you out of the picture’. She is already babysitting other GKs regularly. MILs cant get it right generally - MN is full of posts about MIL doing so much for one set of GK’s but not the other.

You don’t need to leave her with your child on her own yet- totally your choice. But you also don’t need to demonise her and look for evil intentions. It’s not a bad thing for kids to have close relationship with other family members. It’s how we used to grow up - with grandparents and cousins around. Grandparents can be very helpful, and one day you may actually need that help.

How about babysitting in the evening - so you and H can have a date-night? Lets you have a bit of adult time which is important for any relationship, and she can feel helpful.

Does your mum have one on one time with your child?

How is it temporary custody rights?

fast forward 5 years :
'MIL treats my SIL's kids far better, takes them out, buys them more presents, and we are the poor relations'.

If you really don’t want to do it then say no.

I wouldn’t give up the things you enjoy doing with ds but you could use it to your advantage and do things that aren’t so fun with a toddler in tow like getting your hair done, medical appointments, looking around the shops, meetings friend for coffee or a lunch out with DH. It doesn’t need to be a regular arrangement but it can be very helpful to have someone who you can leave dc with if necessary.

Um she's just a grandmother who wants to see her grandchild. I wouldn't do it while he still has naps if you think she won't follow the routine but I'm not really sure why you wouldn't want your child to have a proper relationship with their grandma (which she can't have if you're there because it seems obvious you'll be watching her every move).

Hmm my mother and nana ( her MIL) detested each other. Yet i was still allowed to stay at Nanas very regularly, spent plenty of time with her from very young. However my mother did her best to avoid seeing her MIL. Didn't affect my relationship with mum or nana tbh

Appreciate the many comments saying they’d bite your hand off - well yes, if there was no undercurrent of control in the situation. That’s not the case though. I had this with my Dad who had mild narcissistic tendencies. It came loaded with ‘I’ll be doing things my way’ and judgement of what I did for my DC. So it was a hard no. If it had been my lovely mum, then I would had snapped her hand off. It’s a consistent theme OP, controlling (and to be fair, sometimes lovely normal GP) wanting 1:1 time with their GC. If it’s not necessary, then I don’t see the absolute need for it - the only people most one year old wants are their mum and dad.

Totally agree with this.

But I don't get the impression OP wants the child distant from the MIL. She just doesn't want a kind of "temporary custody rights" arrangement.

My MIL was like this, my DC were her first GDC. She wanted them to "need" her, rely on her even if just for milk/food, come to her rather than me when they fell and needed cuddles etc. She also loves children, all children, and is very good with them. She wants nothing more than for her GDC (she has many now) to say "I love you grandma!" - it's what fills her cup. Obviously there's nothing bad about that, quite the contrary - but all her GDC are now old enough to sense or feel that this neediness is off-putting. They all know, in an age-appropriate way, that the way she is with them is about her and not about them. As a consequence, they can all take or leave her, so now she finds herself bribing them with gifts and experiences and things she knows her parents wouldn't splurge on (under the guise of grandparents are there to spoil their grandkids - but everyone knows the real reason, including the grandchildren).

I gave up work to be with my DC, so the whole overnight/have a day off didn't fly with me. But from the age of 5 or 6 they would go to her for a week in the summer holidays, and had a grand old time. All the annual holidays were/are spent with the in-laws (my family abroad), and they saw them pretty much whenever they wanted. They're good and decent people so I would never have said no, but there was never any denying that this need for "alone time" was all about her and her children rejecting her/feeling lonely, and not at all about the children themselves, let alone DH or me.

BINGO!!

I have trouble imagining her mum asking op not to come along if she preferred to though.

It's actually a weird request.

I don’t know why, but I get an impression that she’s possibly wanting to do it for her own needs and not so much yours or your child’s. GP who truly care about you will first ask what you need and want instead of making suggestions based on what they would like. Definitely trust your gut and only do what you’re comfortable with.

That's fine Do as you wish. Just don't moan when you mil has a better relationship with SIL kids or you want a break later on and she's then not willing

Because she can take him out and about ( or play /read stories etc).
It is healthy for the gp/gc relationship and I am unsure why you feel it wouldn't be a positive thing.
Would you feel the same if it was your mum who was asking?
Just a thought.
When my GC was a baby, I took him out every week (work permitting). Walks in park /feeding ducks etc.
Your child will positively benefit from the experience and as much as you adore your child, some 'you' time will be good

Fully agree with all of this.

Mine spent one on one time with grandparents from younger than 1 tbh, I was very happy to let them.

If you don't like her or don't trust her then that's fine just say that. This whole my child should never be apart from me very Mumsnet and quite disingenuous.

No-one should expect anything from a grandparent. They are a privilege and should be respected as so.

And like any post on MN its one side of the story......