MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

Just invite her along on outings, trips to the park, round for supper and bath-time etc.

If she wants to see the child, that will be something, and, as relationships develop in that setting, it may feel more natural and organic to leave him with her for extended periods. If she doesn't want to bother with that, or the relationship can't develop that way. you have an answer.

I would jump at the chance honestly. Having involved grandparents is a privilege a lot of us wish we had. But I think it’s ok to start small and you can absolutely say no to baby classes or sleepovers. Work out your boundaries and what you’re comfortable with and then maybe she can babysit so you and your partner can go to dinner or something first? Anytime my family or in laws visit we let them have a day alone with your kids so they can get true quality time without me hovering (it is so hard to not jump in when it’s your own child).

Totally get it. Just thank her for the offer but explain that you really love being a mum and looking after your son and actually you don't need a break at the moment, but you'll bear it in mind for the future if things change. There is no need for her to spend time with him without you there.

I am a grandchild whose grandmother didn't much like my mother, her daughter in law. Granny pushed for alone time in my case too. My sister and I went to see her for a week at a time in the summers, starting when we were grade school age, and it didn't turn out well. We were told regularly what awful children we were, got food poisoning regularly, and I once got heat stroke on the first day of a stay, was sick as a parrot for 3 days and Granny refused to notify our parents as she 'didn't want to be blamed.'

Our parents refused to do anything about these -and other- problems when we told them about it. I felt betrayed by them and my grandmother. I realise most people aren't that malicious, but trust your feelings. My parents have admitted lately-30 years after the fact!- that they felt uncomfortable leaving us with her, but felt obligated so we could 'bond' with our grandmother. My first cousins on that side have all 4 admitted to being mistreated by our mutual granny as well.

Do what is right for your little man. My grandmother didn't care for my mother and openly admitted to mistreating us on that account. I'm not saying that is automatically going to happen, just that there's no reason to take chances. He's so young anyway. There is no guarantee she'd be in good enough health to babysit when he gets older anyhow. It's cheaper to hire a trustworthy babysitter than pay in more subtle ways by leaving him with an untrustworthy family member. She has shown you who she is by dismissing you for 10 years. Believe her!

And he never will if you don’t at least try. Mine slept in their pram all the time. The motion of the pram soon sends them off to sleep. If we were at home they slept downstairs in the play pen and I would hoover to get them off to sleep. You can’t revolve your life around a baby. You have to live

@MaurineWayBackThe Mil hasn't done anything wrong. She's asked to have him for the day. She hasn't come and taken him away. Op just needs to say she's not comfortable with that and maybe let's start with something shorter.

It sounds like she doesn't feel close with you, and would therefore like the opportunity to bond with her grandchild without you in the picture. But who's fault is that? She should have thought of this during all those years she spent keeping you deliberately at arms length. If you want to be close with a child, you need to be close with their parents. It's very normal to feel uncomfortable leaving your child - and especially a baby - with someone you do not have a good relationship with. Don't allow anybody to guilt trip you and tell you that it's selfish. You aren't stopping her from seeing the baby or preventing them from developing a bond. It's just not on her terms.

I think some of these posts really aren't being fair on op.

She hasn't said anything about needing to go to the hairdresser but feeling she can't, won't and never has leave her dc.

What has happened is that she has been approached with a demand for time with the child without her present. You must be able to see the distinction?

You could decide that she's never allowed 1:1 time with them and still not be unreasonable. You're the parent, you decide what you think is best. Grandparents aren't entitled to anything.

It's funny how we all think differently because I think this is so weird but yeah we're all different.

I suppose I just don't see the point of it. I don't know whether my DC have spent much time alone with the DGP's, some I guess, on occasion, but not much. We didn't need help with childcare and see both sets of GPs regularly, go on holiday with them etc, but as a family. My DC have great relationships with all of their grandparents.
Insisting on time alone with someone else's child just seems really odd and unnecessary IMO.

She’s offering to look after your dc without you there? Don’t push her out have you left him with your own family? What do you do if you have a hairdressers appointment or some other appointment you can’t take him to. She’s offering so let her or he will end up clingy.

I can't believe this isn't a thing already - I loved having my sons' grandparents involved from day one then they looked after them from 5 months when I went back to work.

Your son is one, not a tiny baby. Have you never left him with anyone since he was born?

I think it is all about the motivation of the gp. I think the vast majority would just want to see their gc and have some lovely time and others want a 'second chance' at parenting and will push and push your boundaries. My inlaws were horrendous when my children were young and it totally broke our relationship. They didn't want a grandparent relationship, they wanted a parent relationship. They wanted a day a week with the gc plus at least a week in the holidays with the gc alone. Before we had children they were not like this at all. I think unless you have seen this in practice you cannot believe that people would act like this. I couldn't believe it myself as I couldnt understand it at all. I would say that you need your partner on side and you need to be firm about how you want to parent. Ultimately if possible you want to keep a relationship which works for everyone. In my case, my inlaws were horrible to me until the kids were teens and then they totally lost interest once they were not small and squishy.

YANBU. It's reasonable (and natural, and fine) for her to want to see her grandchild - but it's absolutely inappropriate and boundary-violating for her to make a thing about wanting time alone with him. I'd be very suspicious of this and not allow it. She should be totally happy to see him and spend quality time with him as part of the larger family group that includes you and your husband too. She can still get her quality time - reading stories to him, eg, while you're making dinner nearby - but this feels like a bid for control/exclusion of you - so I'd say a firm no and point out that she can get her quality time perfectly well without the two of them needing to be alone together for the day.

Personally I htink you're crazy not to agree to let her have some 1:1 time sometimes. I mean a full day doesn't sound like it's necessary or waranted, but syre, a morning, at a toddler group, then home for a nap sometimes - why not. You obviouly don't reall ylike her and feel that she's trying to undermine you, but i'd argue that this is a way to improve your relationship. Obviously, if she behaves inappropriately or doesn't respect your ground rules, that's a different story.

Theres also a lot about the OP feeling she must be asking because of xyz based in assumptions rather than events happening now.

i mean I get that past events will be colouring things fir her. That’s pretty normal. But this is someone who already looks after her other grand children 3 days a week. The MIL is likeky to just see her looking the OP dc as the norm. Abd tge OP might well be very glad fur her NIL involvement once dc starts nursery/school/she goes back to work.

I wouldn’t burn bridges just now

Fair enough that you feel this way, but I don't really agree. DH and I don't even have formal arrangements for time alone with our dc as between ourselves - and I don't believe our relationships have suffered. Our youngest has spent much less time alone with DH just because of how that played out with career developments, but the relationship is no less strong.

Seems to be the “in thing” for new grandparents.
if you aren’t comfortable, say no. It appears to be for her gratification too

I really don’t think it’s the same to see the child with a parent there vs wo.

My MIL developped a bond with dc1 that she didn’t have with dc2 just because she could spend time with dc1 on her iwn(which she couldn’t with dc2 due to work agd FIL health going downhill)

I think this is the nub of the issue: start small.

The Mil isn't starting small and that feels like something that is about her comfort and not the child or the mother's.

Also she should really be focussed on working on her relationship with you first

Yes, there is an aspect of sidestepping the development of that relationship.

Only the op can know if she makes MIL feel that a relationship with her isn't possible; there isn't enough info in the post. But the mere fact that OP would prefer not to step back because she's been asked to vacate during access time is not enough for me to decide OP is impossible to be with.

What a crock of shit. I love spending time with my granddaughter just the 2 of us. I've done my parenting of young kids and I have no desire to do it again. The Beauty of grandchildren is you get to do all the fun stuff without having to parent. Of course you must do what you feel comfortable with, maybe start small. The relationship been children and Loving grandparents is really special.

MIL did that with dc1 and it allows them to develop a lovely bond together.
It happened because it was nice TO DC1. Nit becayse I needed the break or because mil wanted to play mummy etc….

If your MIL has a tendency to step in your boubdaries, then deal with that. But don’t use your dd to do that iyswim
Ie you need to be clear it’s a once every other week thing between 10.00am and 4.00pm type of thing (or 9.00am till 1.00pm so dc can have his nap at home - whatever ever fits).
If she pushes fur more. Say NO.
If she goes over you, take dc for the whole at weekend (having asked your dh instead) etc… then it’s a full NO.

It’s ok to not want him to go out for the whole day yet. A few hours is plenty I’d have your dh manage it though. Not your problem.