MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

When my GC arrived I didn't expect one to one time while they were small. With my DD's DS I was asked if I would have him from time to time as they had work and house issues to deal with. I loved it and was more than happy to have him whenever they needed to. When my DS's children arrived it was very clear that they did not want or need grandparents to have them in that way.

In both cases it was their choice and I was absolutely fine with it.

For the record we now have lovely relationships with both sets of GC.

One to one should be at the need or discretion of the parents not the needs or wishes of the grandparents

No! And your husband can deliver the message- his parent his problem

More inhibited?!

You haven't met my grandkids. They are super comfortable at my house, send absolutely confident in being themselves and making their needs known. We have a ball.

But kids are never going to reach that point if they don't regularly spend time with their grandparent, alone. And waiting until there's a family emergency for a child having to go and stay at Grandma's, is a really bad idea

Absolutely say no if you have any reservations even if it’s just you don’t want time away from him. He’s your baby, MIL has had her time, and at 1 he’s still so young. If it’s helpful for you and something you want then great but no way would I want to do that yet and my son is nearly 2, I love my mum and mil but I just don’t see the need for him going off for a day without me. I would at a push do a couple of hours with my mum now he’s older but wouldn’t have at 1. She can bond with him when you are seeing her every week which is plenty, and she has years when he’s older and will actual want to go to her to do fun things with granny.

It's very different when you're there to when grandparents have them alone. They bond so much more.
If you trust her, I'd let her. How is she with the other grandkids?
It would be really sad for the other kids have the built a great relationship with her, but your child has not be allowed to do so, unless there is good reason to.
Be happy she wants to be involved!

Unless there's something going wrong, the child should be entitled to a relationship with wider family. The OP could decide that she isn't allowed 1:1 but hopefully her DH would overrule that.
As long as you are going to be a constant support of what your DC want and need. My Dad took against my GM, because of that I didn't have the support system or financial help my half sister had. I didn't have the relationship with my cousins she had/has. My Dad died when I was 16, I'd lost my paternal GP's, so unlike my sister, I was pretty much alone in my grief. It's cruel to cut a child out of a family, when a MIL does it she's a bitch, when the Mother does it, it's her choice and fine.

Honestly, the interaction between me and each of my DGDs is SO different without their parents. When we come together as a family, of course they look to their parent (or their auntie and uncle!) a lot of the time. But when it's just them and me, the chat, the interaction, the playing together is entirely different and we're so focused on each other.

I consider myself really lucky to have had the opportunity for regular one on one time, and sleepovers at my house with the DGDs, just us.

When the littlest DGD had an emergency admission to hospital for nearly a week, with her parents at her side, the older one (just about 4) came to me, and her familiarity with grandma days and sleepovers made the whole thing far less stressful for her. And if course she'd stayed with me similarly when her mum gave birth to her little sister in hospital.

So yes, not only is it lovely for grandma, you're setting up a situation where your child is comfortable and confident being looked after by a grandparent in a 'second home'.

Only on MN is there this huge push by grandparents to have 1 on 1 and sleepovers from a really young age.

I wasn't in a rush to be away from my first child when very small, so wouldn't have been interested, particularly not with someone who took 10 years to tolerate me and will likely badger you for more.

Best say thanks, but no thanks.

MIL is v pushy so if I say yes once then she’ll constantly expect it and I know she’ll be pestering for sleepovers as well.

She wants a day with him regularly without the parents there. She feels she doesn't get enough time with OP's child.

That's a de facto custody day. I call it what it is. She wants him in her charge with no bio parent around. Of course that's about playing parent. OP knows she'll be pushing more and more and even for sleepovers.

She can take a seat. She had her turn.

Adding, I call it a custody day to help point out how unreasonable her asking this could be seen, especially as she's pushy according to OP.

Couldn't be arsed to read past the silly first couple of lines.

Hyperbole is a sign of a weak argument. Nobody has called the woman "evil". Presumably OP will be pleasant and friendly to her own future DIL, thus avoiding any of the unpleasantness that these "evil MILs" create and attract with their behaviour.

It’s hardly ungrateful if the mother in law took ten years to accept her! Don’t project your own situation onto OP’s.

What is OP supposed to be grateful for? OP loves spending time with her DS and taking him to his toddler classes and why shouldn't she? She's his mother. And she says she doesn't need a break. She ensures her MIL sees him every week so she's not denying her contact. One day she may well appreciate her MIL's 1:1 involvement - just not yet - and she shouldn't feel pressurised to do something she doesn't want to do.

MIL took about a decade to accept me as part of the family as well so I do feel like this is her way of managing me out of the picture as well.

No from me then

You don't want to. You weren't 'family' until you had something she wanted - a GC. And now she wants solo access to said GC? Nope. You don't have to be comfortable with that or agree to it.

When does your mum see him?

I don’t think it’s that young to leave a child with a grandparent to be honest, since a lot of children start nursery around that age. He could nap in a travel cot.

If a whole day feels too much, I would definitely take her up on the offer while going to the gym or getting a haircut.

He’s your child though so it’s absolutely up to you.

I have, as others have said, looked after my DGC since they were 12 months old at DDs request. DGC just going home and I'm on my knees😂

Yes - I think all your examples of loving your time with him you don’t have to give up - you don’t need to for her to play out whatever she is

cherish your son.

just make sure also you have people he can go to if there is an emergency

I like the idea of her having him while you do a run or similar - but make it work entirely for you - if she’s not up for it 👋 bye bye

The most bonkers post on MN today. Where do you get from OPs post that mil wants custody or to pretend to be child’s parent?

Oh I definitely don't think that's necessarily the case. I'm talking about kind, family interactions. That's why I made the differentiation.

kids are definitely different when mum and dad aren't around

Yes. More inhibited usually - and less comfortable to make their needs heard. I'm not sure that's a good thing for the child - though I get it might be easier for the adults.

@Hideousfrump YANBU OP - he's your son and you get to decide when he's old enough to spend 1:1 time with your MIL. You've written quite clearly on here that you love spending time with your DS, you really like taking him to his toddler classes and you don’t need or want a break, so tell her this, but also that when you feel you are both ready for her to have him alone, you will let her know. I hope she respects your POV.

I’m guessing though that when OP needs her MIL to provide childcare around school etc when the time comes, that she will have no qualms about allowing it at that point.

I fully trust my dc's grandparents, but they didn't need to ask me to please get lost for that trust to develop.

I think you have to be really honest with yourself about why you feel she wants this. I'd prefer to sometimes see grandchildren on their own too - kids are definitely different when mum and dad aren't around and it could just be that she wants to spend proper time with him when he's willing to engage with her and not just looking for you all the time.

But of you feel it's a chance for her to show him off to her friends, or do things 'her way' or anything else nefarious them I'd politely decline.

She's not withholding them though. They see her regularly. I just find it really odd that it somehow "doesn't count" if the OP is present.

To be clear, I'm fully in favour of facilitating family connections, and don't consider MILs creepy or "evil" or any of the other "MN tendencies" along those lines referred to be @BridgeovertheriverTest . On the whole I am pro Mils and think DILS can be obstructive unnecessarily.

I just genuinely think in this instance it's the MIL being obstructive of healthy family dynamics here. OP is ensuring she sees the GC regularly, but for some reason that isn't good enough. What would make it "good enough" is to exclude the small child's mother. That's off to me.