MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

No this sounds absolutely ridiculous. Truly ridiculous. What do you think a MIL is trying to do? Get custody? In nearly all cases she just wants time with her GS where she's the first port of call & when DGS goes up she'll tidy the shitpit he's made of her house & she'll treasure the peace, quiet & cup of hot tea rather than the tepid, snatched ones you have when the grandkids are round.

And then she'll look forward to the next time.

& why is it always MIL? My dad is just as keen to have all the grandkids (7 in total over a period of 20yrs) round every week as my mum is. Family means the world to him!

Last week they even looked after their 2yo GREAT grandson for the evening 🤯

Give over with this creepy implication that's something nefarious going on, it's bizarre!

You would think!

He would watch TV and fall asleep on the sofa leaving his mum looking after DC.

She’d done a lot by that point, including taking over my baby shower and upsetting my friends. They’d planned things that they knew I would have loved. She changed the theme, colours, venue to what she wanted it to be. She was rude to people that she wasn’t happy had been invited.

She turned up to the birth after being asked not to, refused to go home/go away from outside the room, kept a running commentary on Facebook of my 20 hours of labour/emergency surgery and then announced when DC arrived. She was in the SCBU holding my baby before I got out of recovery.

She would cry because I wouldn’t wean at 3 months, when I didn’t want to go to baby groups, because I wanted Christmas at home (even though she was invited) as I was still recovering, because I didn’t dress DC in outfits she got whenever she came round.

I’d made it clear that she was being rude and disrespectful. I was very unwell from a traumatic birth, she exasperated it and he allowed her to. In the end I couldn’t trust him either so just took DC everywhere with me instead.

I think it depends on what you think of how she lives her own life. Is she a stable reliable sort who was a loving parent to her own kids, then ya, I don't see why you couldn't give her to her for a day. They would get a chance to bond. If she is the sort that would keep her phone on and stay contactable. I had anxiety about leaving mine when they were small too

Sounds good. Trust your instincts - you sound like you’re really doing right - stepping back and letting her do stuff

do not let yourself be put under pressure - he’s your baby!!! She’s had her turn

Hahaha is she related to my MIL. Mine kept banging on about how she NEVER EVER left her kids with anyone, not even FIL. Then I got pregnant and she realised her mistake cos I was the exact same and enjoyed having my kids 24/7. She just would take my DC into her kitchen, or sit with her back to me with SIL, creating a huddle around my baby. Actually hilarious now but gave me PPD.

He may be an ex but he's still the child's father. She stated that he wasn't allowed to look after the child as he allowed MIL to see them when she wasn't there

@RubySquid I assume there was much more going on there as DH is now an ex.

Sometimes you do have to restrict GPs access. MIL was an absolute nightmare when DS was born. She hated me having any time with him if she was around, would cry if we visited another GP. Her hatred of me took over her life and she couldn't see things clearly, so when we found out DS had a milk allergy that was obviously me being controlling, as who had ever heard of a baby being allergic to dairy. It was me being ridiculous and over protective mother and obviously I was doing this for spite as we could never leaver her with DS alone as we couldn't trust her not to give DS milk. And DH was in full agreement that his mum was a nightmare.

Thank god she calmed down after a few years, and we all now have a good relationship, but my god those early years were tough

I do agree - and always think that on most DIL threads.

However, I do think pushing to take a young child for a day without its parents is just off - whether it be maternal or paternal GM .

Why is it always paternal MIL that is the problem?????
Food for thought

Why wouldn't you leave your DH with HIS OWN SON? Surely he gets an input

Not all grandparents are like this though, unfortunately. I have similar memories and wanted the same for my kids.

But ours doesn't have unsupervised time with DH's parents because she doesn't particularly like seeing them, they don't make her feel good (even when we're there) and we both feel like we need to be around to end the visit if their behaviour makes her uncomfortable. Neither of us are happy with the situation, we thought they'd be great as grandparents, but sadly not everyone is.

Obviously OP has given no indication that MIL is problematic, just that she doesn't feel comfortable with the 1:1 time yet.

My MiL was super pushy for this (amongst many, many other things). I wasn’t ready and there was no respect for that.

Gave me lots of lectures (and tears) about my DC needing to get used to spending time without me. One day she slipped up when she accidentally confessed that she’d never left any of her kids with anyone until she had to when they started school.

She resorted to sneaking around for “alone time” with her precious son and DC when I popped out. I then doubled down and never left DC with him either.

Eventually, I sent him back to her and lived happily ever after.

I didn't get on particularly well with my MIL, and our boy was adopted at 3.

But they doted on each other and sadly she is no longer with us, he was about 15 when she died. He remembers with much fondness the time he spent with his nanny. She used to collect him from nursery and then from school one afternoon a week, and give him some dinner.

We kept to this arrangement through the school holidays as well, unless there was something else that couldn't be moved.

To know there was one day in the week when neither of us had to be at the school gate at 3.00 was great. We often went for a nice long lunch and a mooch round town on those afternoons 🤩. We didn't do "date night" but definitely did "date afternoons"

I didn't get on with her that well, and there were things that she did that weren't my way of doing things, but there is no way I would have wanted to have deprived DS of that relationship and those lovely memories.

Having said that, you need to do it your pace, so decide how you want it to look like in the future, and start to work towards it.

This was an interesting post because I just asked DH what he would think if a GP asked to spend time alone with our dc.

His answer: "What's wrong with the parents being there if they choose to be? That'd make me uncomfortable."

Yes, the op's post has been twisted.

The GM is getting time, just not on her specified terms.

YADNBU! You don’t want the help or any time away from your DS and that’s understandable and perfectly fine. Your DS would also miss out on classes and you feel he might be a bit unsettled. This is all perfectly reasonable.

Just thank her for the offer and say you’re fine and enjoy spending time with your son. If she pushes, just say you’re fine and feel he’s a bit young and maybe you’ll feel different when he’s a few years older.

Some grandparents just love spending time with their grandchildren, I would encourage it as long as she loving a caring towards him. My parents are amazing grandparents to all of their grandchildren and our children absolutely love the time they spend with them (tea after school twice a week while me and my sister work, and on the odd ‘special occasions’ a sleepover. My MIL is a different story, she makes no effort with them whatsoever, so they have no bond with her! Which is sad and I think she regrets it now that they are teenagers!
having the grandkids keeps my parents active and gives them purpose too. & I know for a fact that one day, when I have grandchildren, I’ll want to have an active role in their lives and in helping out my son and daughter an their parents.
at the end of the day though it is your choice and if you feel it’s too early for him, she should respect your decision.

@Fargo79 If it helps, the Evil MIL is a MN trope. For every thread complaining about a mother, there are 20 about entitled, overbearing, selfish, unsympathetic, mean, greedy and downright dangerous MsIL If the history of mankind was written by DsIL, Bloody Mary, Typhoid Mary and Lucrezia Borgia would be the MIL, and the DsIL would be Mother Theresa, Princess Diana and Grace Darling.

The truth is that these two adult women ought to establish the family relationship that best meets the needs and interests if the child. And just maybe that means putting their mutual dislike to one side. Almost certainly the MIL should have been more welcoming 10 years ago, but now is not the time to hold a grudge. A child's love isn't a limited resource that has to be rationed. Having a close relationship with Granny doesn't take anything from Mummy.

I think people forget your DC has a father too and therefore 2 people who can make a decision. It never ceases to amaze me that so many on MN think it is only the child’s mother who gets a say in what happens.

@Hideousfrump what does your DH say? Does he want her too have some time alone with his DS?

So the child gets to miss out due to the parents issues?

Depends what shes like OP. My in laws hate my children showing me any affection or being close to me etc it makes them angry haha. so I still dont send them over alone etc. If they weren't so weird I probably would.

Where has anyone said about cutting her out? She spends time with her every 1-2 weeks! A lot of mental gymnastics going on here...

My mum had my DC regularly from around a year old, including overnight stays. It's one of the joys of parenthood for me to see the bond between them and know that my children are so comfortable with her and in her home. DD quite regularly tells me she loves Grandma more than me, I feel no bitterness or jealousy at that as I'm secure in our own relationship and am just really happy that they get to make so many lovely memories together. It's also come in super handy as she provides free childcare while I work and has been able to step in for many emergencies without DC batting an eye.

I suspect it's the IL bit that is the difference? My MIL was never in a position to provide childcare so I never had to deal with it. I suspect I would have felt a bit differently about it which is probably natural - but I would ask myself how I would like my DS's future hypothetical partner to treat me and have tried my best to act accordingly.

I'm a grandmother, just say no if you don't feel comfortable with what she's proposing, she sounds pushy. It's not about what she wants, it's about how you feel about the situation and whether you think that your child is ready for a whole day apart from you, maybe a few hours would be more appropriate, but only if you're agreeable, go with your gut feeling. She should not be trying to usurp your position as a mother, she's had her crack of the whip at being a mother.