MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

It’s the fact that - OP wasn’t accepted into the family by MIL for ten years and now she wants to take her baby and makes snide comments and eye rolls which undermine Ops mothering so there is lack of trust

you would build trust

it’s also odd to say I want to see baby without you there I

Is she not going to love it if she can't have her day a week to herself?

It takes a village and all that, but the more people in a child's life who love it and want to devote time to it the better surely?

I'd be perfectly happy if I was asked round every week or two to see my dc aged 1.

If my DIL expressed a desire for me to babysit, I'd be happy, depending on my own circumstances at the time.

But I cannot imagine I would expect to have a day to myself every week unless I was actually needed.

I thought the arrangement referred to by a previous poster of a supper once a week for the parents to go out was rather nice. But a day with a pre-schooler is a lot for a little one to not be with mum - and a big gap for mum who might have taken a step back in her career in order to be able to do the childcare.

Because you can easily tell the maternal in law how things are, honestly. I tell my mum exactly how it is, no sugar coating. So then she parents as I wish.
The in laws do snide comments and eye rolls and then completely disregard our family rules and values. A coat pocket full of chocolate just given every 5 from breakfasts onwards. No set meal times, no meals at all just junk food. No nap as it’s too much effort to facilitate and then complain our child is ‘badly behaved and screaming’ at 4pm and they have no clue why!!

Why do so many people put pressure on women to override their instincts and their bond with their baby? Babyhood really isn’t long, and there’s nothing weird about not wanting to leave your completely dependent and preverbal child alone for hours with someone you don’t 100% trust, I don’t know why some people are so keen to pile pressure on mothers to do so. A three or four or five year old can build a great relationship with a grandparent without having had to follow some rigid alone-time schedule first.

Do the grandparents do eye rolls and snide comments?

I would have been happy with 2-3 hours every couple of weeks at that age.
my in laws wanted to have my 4 yo for a week this summer, I said no. There’s nothing wrong with not feeling comfortable being away from your babies for a length of time you don’t want

in laws wanted our 3 dcs with them without me or dh around so they can parent their way eg unlimited chocolate, nap the toddler at 5pm and then give them back to us hyper exhausted and deregulated. It’s because they don’t like our family structure (and we are pretty chill! Just don’t want a whole day of tv and junk. And to stick to the lunchtime nap…)

If it were just about getting to see him and having a close relationship with him, it wouldn't matter whether you were there or not. There's no good reason why she needs to take him off on her own, without you. And certainly not for full days all of a sudden when he's not used to that.

It's ok for you to say you don't want her to do this. You're his parent, not her, you don't have to justify it. Your feelings come first.

If there's any push back and you do feel like explaining yourself just say you don't feel the need to have a break from him and she is welcome to visit all of you when she wants to see him.

You made a very good point about maintaining boundaries. It's really hard to close a door once it's been opened.

I never really understand why people are so anti the grannies having the grandchildren alone without the parents. This happened with both sets of grandparents here since our children were babies. Our children have a great relationship with their grandparents. Yes one set of grandparents don't follow the routine as much as I would like but at the end of the day the kids are safe, very happy and very loved.

I think go with your instincts OP

shes defo trying to cut you out - trust your instincts

and to other posters - MIL sees baby every week and gets to change etc so no lack of contact

It isn’t rubbish

what planet are you on!!!!

One day you’ll be the mother in law to your son’s partner. What will you hope for?

No idea who Maureen is

Rubbish

Is that you Maureen?

Do you think her MIL's behaviour was normal? Do you think having a GC that behaves like that fosters a healthy environment for a child?

Exactly the same experience for me hahahahahahaha. Everyone says oh its always dils complaining about mils. I let my mum and mil have the exact same time and ... freedom? I dont know the right word but yes mum and mil are both handed baby as soon as I see them, im relaxed and will catch up on my phone/emails, pop the tv on, make myself a cuppa yet why does my mum never feel the urge to go into the kitchen and close the door with my DC lol. Also supermarkets,we would go together sometimes and MIL would just WALK OFF and I wasn't able to find her in and baby in a larger one so would have to go checkout and wait at the exit !!

Interfering with the mother's recovery after childbirth IS harming the DC.

I do see this sort of behaviour quite a lot and think it is probably less intended as a wind-up than it might seem.

I think it makes the adult feel more comfortable because babies make it very obvious if they are unhappy with someone - and often babies DO prefer to be with mum. I think the adult wants to bond, but they find it hard to relax if they feel the baby's reaction is being observed and will be noted by onlookers if it cries, reaches for mum etc.

I think this lies behind wanting to take the parents away and is twofold: the reaction is not observed by others, and also the mother isn't nearby to distract the baby.

From that comes the idea that it helps the bond to develop, but in reality it is really just making the adult feel less awkward and overlooked. I'm not sure the child actually bonds any faster.

As a Step MIL can I give my take?

I never ever ever wanted children

I met a man who had a 2 and 3 year old , they lived 500 miles away so my only interaction was holidays - where they would spent a week or two with us - they have only ever known me and their dad together

So now I have 3 grandchildren - 4 to 19 - same parent - 2 fathers - me and granddad have been their constant

DGC 1 - I raised for the first two years of his life - never in my life having had a child of that age in my care in my life before

I made mistakes

But I love that child and I wouldn't put any child in harms way

DGC2 , DH wouldn't have them with us over night till they were 2 - because of the way they had been bought up and our age - we were a lot older and coping with a toddler was looking to be too much - and it was hard the first few times we had over nighters

DG3 we have over night since aged 2 - because we have DGC 2 stay as well

Our grandchildren love coming to us, well the 19 year old has backed off a bit as he is working, has, a GF etc

We offer a different experience to what they have as "normal" and some things we might clash on but mostly the children are happy to accept the rules - meals at tables , some sort of fruit or veg has to be eaten, bed time is bedtime and tablets are taken away

We cherish the time we have together without the parents. There's no clash about what the rules are - they are here and its our rules, and we are perhaps a bit stricter then their parents , but there's not a lot of kick back

Your MIL can actually bring a lot to a childs development so dont say forever it's not happening. Yes I was knackered having to put the needs of a small child baby before my own, but it came natural - even as a non birth mother

Your MIL will look after that child if it was the most precious possion - which it is

Yes. Mostly stuff that passed her off. Didn't see that she actually did anything dangerous to the child. Perhaps you'd like to enlighten me if ive missed it

Did you read anything she wrote?!

OMG yes - Why the fuck do they do that? Mine used to walk off in restaurants too so I couldn’t see her.

What did she actually do that was harmful to your DC