MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

That's fair on the wording of the first post.

Perhaps it was op's second and fourth post lamenting that she felt awkward about not being included that gave the impression the MIL had been more demanding about that aspect. After all, we can only go on what op has told us - and it seemed she felt the Mil HAD stipulated that (and yes stipulation was how it came across to me) . At least that's where I got that impression from.

Again, the use of demand. An all or nothing demand, even.

The OP:
DS has just turned 1 and MIL has started asking if she can have him for the day on her own as she feels like she doesn’t get any quality time with him (we see her every 1-2 weeks) and to ‘give me a break’.

MIL has started asking. She's not demanded. She's not imposed. She's not said 'if I can't have baby to myself I don't want you coming around with him at all'.

The hyperbole on this thread is strong.i

I assume most people who let GPs have 1:1 time with their babies did it for their benefit rather the GPs, eg so they could go to the hairdressers, date night, work, just needed one night of unbroken sleep. The primary reason was not for the GP’s benefit.

OP is letting GP see her baby pretty much on a weekly basis, which in most people’s books is a reasonable amount. And is working on building up the relationship with GP and baby which is the parent’s right to do. Not sure why some GPs can’t see that and start demanding 1:1 time, overnights etc especially when a child is so young.

All the GPs in our family lived miles away so weekly meet ups, overnights etc were not on the cards, but we facilitated other ways to build the bond between DC and them and they have close relationship with them. But as stated earlier in this thread we did have some teething problems with MIL at first and we had to be in charge of that relationship and not listen to her demands as to do otherwise could have had serious health consequences as refused to acknowledge food allergy

Look, I am normally on the side of GPs. I think they do get a tough time on here.

But wanting the op's baby for a whole day every week, and NOT wanting op to be part of that as, say, a trip to the park to feed the ducks together with Granny, is a huge ask. It's her baby.

There are so many other ways the GM could be building a lovely relationship without demanding that. It seems a bit of an all or nothing demand.

Funnily enough, while MNetters are fighting like rats in a sack about maternal vs GP 'rights' and wrongs, OP has quietly thought about the situation, decided where she is and isn't ready to make concessions and identified a 'small steps' way forward when the time is right and a good opportunity presents itself. She isn't withholding contact or a relationship between GM and baby, and is open to letting more develop over time. I think that's healthy assertiveness rather than preciousness and if I could, I would now vote @Hideousfrump is NBU.

Again, words like 'stipulating' and 'demanding' rarely describe accurately what is going on. If an OP says that a grandparent is wanting or asking for something, within a few posts, people are claiming they the GP is demanding or forcing something.

But don't you think they could show interest and have contact without stipulating that will look like a whole day every week? And that op will not attend?

Grandparents are moaned about on here constantly. Ironically, often because they don't show enough interest in their grandchildren. Or that they don't do enough free childcare. But if they actively love and want contact with their DGCs, they're intrusive and it's a red flag.

Basically they can't win.

I've found this an interesting thread because I have to say in these Mil/Dil "collisions," I normally find it is the DIL who is being unreasonable and should look to the bigger picture.

So many threads about: "I clearly stipulated we did NOT require onesies for baby, and that we would like dresses for Christmas but what do you think we got?! A dress AND a onesie!!! Mil claimed she'd already bought it." Or: " MIL KNOWS DH and I don't eat sprouts, but what do you think there was a big bowl of at Christmas dinner?!

I tend to always think, oh just put the kid in the onesie for a single visit and get over yourself. The child will have grown out of it in two months, and there's no need for treatises on boundaries over that. And if you leave them with GP while you and DH go to a wedding, then yes, they might get given something for lunch you wouldn't choose, but, in the bigger picture, it's part of having a wider family to fall back on.

But here I actually think it's the MIL who is BU, I think because, as a general rule, I think these relationships work best - especially for children - where the different "outposts" of family are taken as they come, and people don't try to dictate or demand. But here it is the MIL doing exactly that. OP is making sure MIL sees the dc regularly and beyond that, I think its a case of waiting till an occasion arises where it might be helpful to OP. I had good relationships with my GP but I don't have that many memories of time without my parents also (being allowed!) in the background. But we all grew up with GP very much in our lives.

One incident 10 years ago would be one thing. Being treated like an unwelcome interloper for 10 years is different and much harder to just put aside for the sake of family harmony when OP's MIL couldn't have given a toss about family harmony when ostracising OP.

MIL been hoist by her own petard as she was the driver for the lack of a relationship between her and OP which has come back to bite her on the arse now that she wants access to OP's child.

Oh for Goodness sake, it is your child, not the grandmothers. She has no rights here. I wouldn't dream of demanding this from my daughter in law and I would think it odd if she requested it.

shes defo trying to cut you out - trust your instincts

Peak Mumsnet. Along with 'trying to get custody' and 'baby's mother being exiled' and 'a red flag'.

Meanwhile, in real life, most little ones are having a lovely time with unadulterated and unshared attention from a grown up who loves them dearly.

I’ve never understood people who seek to see a baby away from its mother or father. It’s so strange. And a red flag imo.

Not irrelevant. The fact that it is possible makes it relevant because that level of cruelty to a new mother is something to be avoided. Especially if it's the MIL's own new grandchild. Moreover, it might not have been something OP chose to mention, and it happened anyway.

Can't stand to be wrong?

Yes I understood that

YANBU. Just because she wants it, that doesn’t mean she has to have it. Tell her you have friends at the sessions you take him to, and don’t want to miss going.

However, I would compromise by asking her to look after him for a few hours once a week, perhaps in between naps. It’s good for him to have a good relationship with her and could be very useful in an emergency or if you were ill.

I certainly wouldn’t allow any overnight stays at the moment - it would be purely for her benefit, not his, and he is not a toy.

I was talking about when we were together and our DC was very young, not after we separated.

Absolutely, but that doesn’t mean that mum has to be exiled because her MiL has decided that she wants the village to herself for the day.

But irrelevant as that didn't happen and the child is over a year old

Exactly this.

Would you let your own mum have him 1:1 for the day (assuming you have a mum, and aren’t low/no contact - my apologies if I’ve assumed incorrectly and this isn’t relevant)? If so, MIL shouldn’t really be treated differently - your DP might have had past issues with your mum AKA his MIL but not stood in the way of her relationship with your DC. I know it’s different when it’s not your own mum.

I do think grandparents enjoy having 1:1 time because it is nice to feel like you’re not being watched, and - yes - to a certain extent it is like reliving parenting again in as much as it’s a lovely reminder of those days (and all the best bits, like none of the costs, sleepless nights, close relationship worries, working etc that you have when your own are little). I think it’s unusual for a grandparent to actually believe they are the parent again. Most genuinely aren’t trying to overstep - they love your child just as they love their own and want to care for and help out.

It can be a really beneficial relationship for all generations. Would you feel comfortable with a compromise of a few hours and build up to longer if it works well? You might find when you get used to it that a few hours to yourself is lovely

Not rubbish at all. Not taking care of the mother after childbirth, especially after a traumatic one, leads to PPD and other health problems. Bad outcomes for mothers often lead to bad outcomes for newborns.

Who hurt you?

If I didn’t have to go back to work when DS was one, I know I wouldn’t have done it either. I also didn’t want or need a break from him and going to work broke my heart. BUT… years down the line I’m so glad for those days he spent with his grandmothers as baby/toddler. They have such a close bond now and you can’t have too much love in your life. Wait until you’re ready though, there’s no rush.

Exactly this

Ultimately it's your child op, not a library book to send out on loan.

It's lovely to have close relationships with grandparents, but most grandparents don't require weekly rights of exclusivity to forge strong bonds.

If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. And that’s okay. Your MIL should take your lead on this as, to be honest, post partum women are vulnerable and their MH/wellbeing matters more.

It sounds like they have plenty of time together so you’re not withholding your DC from having a relationship. You shouldn’t feel guilty as you’re giving them everything they need to form a wonderful relationship. To be honest, the relationship they have is not about 1:1 time away from you but how much effort your MIL puts in when you are together. My parents see my son a lot less than my in-laws but he adores them because they totally enter his world when they are together.

It’s hard but it’s time to gently say that you’ll let her know as soon as you start doing solo time. You just have to say it and then it’s done!