MIL wanting 1:1 time with GC aged 1

It's not normal to be hostile to a sons partner for a decade, and then finally start behaving yourself only because there is a baby you want access to

No. Not until you are ready.

How often do you spend time with him? If your working full or part time and she wants one of your day offs regularly. Then it would be a no from me unless it was a few hours for you to do something which you need to do on a once off or like once a month.

However, if you are at home and you can mostly trust her to meet his needs and let you know if he gets too upset away from you then I would. It’s good to foster a relationship with grandparents. Your relationship may not be great but unless she bad mouths you directly to the child. Then I don’t see a problem.

could always meet up at soft play, let her go in for two hours and you go off for shopping and lunch on your own. Doesn’t have to be a full day and even if it might be one day he may need to be built up to that anyway how.

I think it’s nice she wants to build on the relationship with her grandson as she spends more time with her other grandchildren.

Why not ask her to babysit in the evening so you can go out?

She could do Bath and bedtime which is fun but it’s controlled because it’s in your house and he’ll mostly be sleeping.

That’s how we managed it.

She’s been a parent of a one year old herself. And presumably has done a good job with your dh, or you wouldn’t have picked him? I’m a gran of a one year old and have had her for two or three overnight stays. Mainly offered to give my dd and her partner a break to have time together. It all worked out great. dgd sur survived and well rounded for a 15 month old. I have a lovely close bond with her. But of course it’s your choice. Being a grandma is a wonderful thing, and many many grandchildren have grown into lovely adults because of love and attention received from extended family as they grow. If you intend to let your mil provide childcare as she grows, then best to start off getting them used to each other now, rather than just allowing one on one contact when you start needing her to do childcare.

I'd say no to a regular day but yes to the occasional couple of hours when you want to do something of evening if you and your dh want to go out.

Re the napping at home - does that mean you never get to go out for a day? It might be worth trying leaving him with her just to encourage a bit of flexibility

I left nursery, MIL, my own mother and a qualified babysitter in charge of ours at 1. It happened we both worked night or weekend.
They turned out great.

YANBU, especially as she has not been accepting of you in the past. I’d be questioning why she thinks it’s a problem that you are also there when she sees her grandson.

Honestly I'm shocked with the vote with soe many people agreeing with you.

Surely it's perfectly normal for a grandmother to want to have their grandchildren alone? Especially as this grandmother already has experience as they've been looking after their other grand children.

My children (now adults) had their grandparents looking after them from about 6 months - gradually building up the time.
It's great development for any baby to have time apart from their parents - otherwise you might have problems when you need to drop them off at nursery or pre-school etc.

If your MIL has form for pushing boundaries I can understand your concern to a point - but if you put boundaries in place - perhaps just start with an afternoon every now and then? If that builds up to sleepovers - perfect that means you get to have some quality time of your own!

You might not get on well with mil for many reasons but I do think it’s always a good thing to have eager GP on side.

i found it very helpful to have mil’s help and and for my dc to be happy alone in her company when I was suddenly rushed to hospital one time and when my mum suddenly died. And if or when you have another baby you may appreciate a babysitter whilst you give birth!

why not start by getting her to babysit at your house while you go out for a few hours eg Christmas shopping or go to the gym or whatever. Or get dh to take the baby to see her for a few hours without you there.

She’s been a mum and gran for ages so she knows first time mums find this stuff hard, I’m sure. Give her a chance - all she’s guilty of is wanting to love your baby! And maybe you two don’t get along so she would just love to be given the trust of looking after the baby when you’re not there - find a way to get comfortable and you’ll reap the rewards. My kids utterly adore my PIL and I am endlessly grateful for there can never be too many people willing to love a child.

Do you not trust her to look after him properly and follow your instructions, or is it simply that you don't really like her because of her past treatment of you? If it's the former, fair enough. If it's the latter, I'd maybe rethink for your child's sake, because as he gets older he might wonder why his cousins get to spend time with Nana 1-1 but he doesn't.

I'd give her a morning or an afternoon. Not a whole day.

I have looked after both my DGDs, one day a week, since they were a year old. Usually at my house (we have a travel cot for naps), sometimes at their home. I have several friends with similar arrangements, generally started when the mother returned to work, after maternity leave. So it seems normal to me but if you're not comfortable you don't have to agree.

“it will mean MIL taking him to one of his toddler classes which selfishly I really like doing with him. ”

OP, nothing selfish about liking going to toddler class with him! He’s your DS, and YOU set the boundaries. I wouldn’t have dreamt of letting my PFB spend a whole day a week with my MIL - and I don’t blame you at all for feeling uncomfortable about it. Just tell her, maybe when he’s older, but while he’s nursery age, it’s not happening.

I felt the same - didn’t need a break! Ended up letting FIL take him for half a day a week for a few months but DS didn’t like it, I just felt antsy/couldn’t get much done, and one time FIL brought DS back in the same nappy he went in and the resulting rash took literally months and multiple doc visits to sort 🙃🙃 so that was the end of that arrangement.

I’d say do what you want and what you feel is best for you and your child OP. What’s best for you is generally best for your child. As is the mother, so goes the house, or whatever the phrase is!

Came to say this

Probably because she still doesn't really like you, but after 10 years she's realised you aren't going anywhere.

My child has the most amazing relationship with his nana , he has spent regular time with her since being a baby , they have a very special bond. You can say no, but be careful not to burn bridges as if you constantly say no now, she might not be as willing to help when he is older and when you will be appreciative of a break or childcare help. I also think it benefits the child in the long run.

Can you find a compromise? Maybe every 2 weeks she has him a full day, but no sleepovers yet if you aren't comfortable with that.

I never had this issue as in laws abroad but she will be developing a bond with her other grandchildren. Will yours feel that they missed out on that with your MIL? I didn’t have grandparents and was always envious of friends who were close to theirs. If you aren’t completely averse to the idea could you build up to a day by allowing a few hours here and there?

My parents have had their grandchildren one on one since about six months. Of course she can take him out! You’re being ridiculous.

Because it’s hard to relax and have fun if you constantly feel you are being assessed by your DIL.

It’s important for children’s happiness that they develop good bonds with wider family members. I’d definitely be taking her up on this. I’m glad I did with my (now) teens when they were younger.

I wouldn't agree to a whole day but perhaps a couple of hours one afternoon, up to tea time to see how he gets in.

Maybe while you get your hair cut or do a bit of Xmas shopping.

Saying no now may mean not getting help when you need or want it. A full day is a lot at 1 but her taking him out for 3 hours or so once a month let’s say will build up her relationship with him and mean that she would be better placed to watch him for a longer period, perhaps so you can go out together somewhere. Cutting her off from a relationship will mean she’s not an option in the future. I also don’t understand why taking a nap in the cot usually is a barrier, can’t he nap in the pushchair occasionally?